Fic: Reaching
Fandom: Star Trek: The Original Series
Rating: G
Pairings: Kirk/Spock
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Summary: Post-TMP. After accepting his simple feelings Spock wants to give everything he is to Jim, but the lingering trauma from the mind-meld with V’Ger is making that an impossible goal to reach.
Reaching
V’Ger had ascended to a higher level of being and the galaxy was safe one again. In the aftermath the new double bed in Jim’s quarters was being put to good use; as Scotty and his team made some minor repairs to the Enterprise before returning to spacedock. Jim had Spock on his back on the bed. His hands on Spock’s hips as he moved them in an ever increasing rhythm. Spock felt that he was close, he reached up and spread his fingers in a familiar pattern on Jim’s face, but the barest brush of connection with Jim’s mind caused him to immediately flinch away. It was still too much to handle so soon after V’Ger.
Jim’s rhythm slowed and he caught Spock’s hand as it drew back and kissed each finger in turn.
“Don’t rush it,” he said breathlessly. “We have the rest of our lives to get good at this.”
***
Despite Jim’s reassurances Spock was determined to regain the ability to mentally connect. For even though they had moved into together immediately upon their return to Earth and were working towards another five year mission together, Spock couldn’t ignore the fact that a large portion of his life was currently denied to him. As the days rolled on and progress remained non existent however, Spock became more and more despondent. He could not give himself to Jim as he wished, he was a failure again.
Another week later the weather firmly reflected Spock’s dark mood. Rain poured down on the city of San Francisco and lightning and thunder rolled across the darkened sky. Jim had gone to headquarters for a meeting and had yet to return. Spock watched the downpour from the living room window. The storm was one of the worst the city had seen for a long time and Spock wanted to know that he was all right.
He went to his meditation area in the bedroom and knelt down on the mat. He lit the lamp and breathed in deeply as the incenses began to fill the air. He continued breathing and closed his eyes, slowly Spock focused on his body, letting his mind explore all aspects of it. He could do that again at least. Once satisfied that he was ready Spock searched for the tiny bud that had once been his link to Jim. He slogged through the visions and data, and the seemingly endless stream of things that V’Ger had known and that had been unceremoniously forced onto him in V’Ger’s quest for answers.
Finally he found his long sought after prize, the tiny spark that confirmed for him that Jim was still among the living. He snapped back to reality with a gasp and fell backwards onto his back, his face covered in thin sheen of sweat. Spock let his features relax into the softest of smiles though, he had been successful.
Still, Spock paid the price for his enthusiasm. Within half an hour pain was shooting through his head. Pulsating from the base of his skull and radiating pain outward in all directions. Spock managed to stumble to the bed and lie down. He let his head sink into the pillows and kept his eyes squeezed shut against the spinning on the room. At least the power had gone out by then so he didn’t have to worry about the lights; although he was quite certain there was a sizeable dent in the comm system when he had thrown some knick-knack at it in a fit frustration. It obviously wasn’t broken though because it continued beeping away until he heard Jim’s voice.
“Hi, Spock, I’m sorry I’m so late, but the storm’s got almost everything shut down. I finally made it out of headquarters though and I’ll be home soon, bye.”
Spock felt his face burn green as he thought of what Jim would think when he found him like this, brought so physically low by a mental task that he use to do with ease.
An hour later, he could not be more accurate in his current state, Spock heard the soft swoosh of the door as it announced Jim’s arrival.
“Spock?” Jim’s voice called out through the apartment.
If they were bonded properly Jim wouldn’t have to search for him Spock thought ruefully.
Wet footsteps could be heard through the hallway until they stopped at the bedroom door.
“Hey,” Jim said, and smiled. “I guess there isn’t much else to do.”
Spock remained still on the bed.
“There’s a backup generator I’ll go-”
“No! No, Jim, please I…I need it dark.”
Jim frowned and came in to stand next to the bed.
“Migraine,” Jim said, his voice becoming a soft whisper. “I didn’t know you got them.”
“It is rare.”
Jim reached out a squeezed Spock’s shoulder gently in sympathy.
“I take it you don’t have any medication for it.”
“No.”
“Then I’ll fix it the old fashioned way.”
Minutes later Jim was curled up beside Spock in bed. Jim’s fingers moved softly through his hair. They pressed and released in turn and slowly dulled the pain.
“Is there something I can do to avoid triggering it?” he asked.
“No,” Spock responded softly. “It...it was my fault. I was working to rebuild a connection between us and I over estimated my abilities.”
Jim sighed softly and kissed Spock’s neck.
“I know this is difficult for you, Spock, but you don’t have to push yourself so hard for me. I’m happy with what we have, Spock, truly I am. This was something I didn’t even dare to dream about just a few short months ago and now...I love you, Spock. I want to marry you as is customary on Earth, and if it takes ten years for you to be ready to do the same on Vulcan then we’ll do it as our vow renewal.”
Though it was not Jim’s intention such words only served to make Spock feel worse; as had his acceptance over the past weeks. He was so accepting, so patient, and Spock knew he did not deserve it for leaving him.
“You should not have to wait any longer for me,” Spock said, thinking back on his actions at the end of their five year mission with renewed shame. “You were so patient with me during our mission together and you remained true while I abandoned you for Gol. I wish to give you all that I am to you now...and I cannot.”
Jim grimaced at being thought of as so perfect when he had been such an asshole during the three years they had been apart.
“You shouldn’t put me up on a pedestal, I don’t deserve it.”
Jim wrapped his arms around Spock, holding him close.
“I was married during your time at Gol,” he whispered.
“What!?”
Spock turned around to look at Jim and his body just as quickly protested, which was exactly what Jim had been trying to avoid. Jim silently got Spock comfortable again, still facing him, so he could look into his eyes.
“It wasn’t official...less than a marriage, but more than a betrothal as you would say. We agreed to a year to see how things went and...well badly doesn’t even begin to describe it. Lori was just a substitute, she knew that by the time she left, and deep down I knew it too.”
“About what happened before that.” Jim sighed. “We should have talked. There was always something between us, we both knew that. When it looked like you were ready to explore that I thought everything was going to be smooth sailing.” Jim snorted. “You worked to understand yourself and grow, and what did I do? I carried on like nothing had changed. I never hesitated to use my charms on a woman to my advantage. Never backed away from flirting during shore leave, never gave one thought to what you must have been thinking. I was selfish and I’m sorry.”
“Then after you left for Vulcan I just got worse. I hid away from my problems behind a desk and when I finally wanted to make things right I didn’t care who I trampled on to get there. Decker was right I wasn’t sorry that I kicked him out of the chair. I wanted my life back the way it was and to hell with anyone else’s wishes; Sonak was to be science officer, did you know that? I thought that if I couldn’t have you I would get someone like you. All of it was just trying to get you back in someway.”
Spock slowly let one hand come up and run through Jim’s hair.
“You do have me in someways.”
Jim stroked one finger gently down Spock’s face.
“I have you in every way, Spock, because you here and we’re together, like we always should have been. I don’t need a mental bond to know that.”
Jim leaned in and kissed him firmly on the lips.
“I’m not perfect, Spock, and you’re not perfect so this relationship certainly doesn’t need to be perfect.”
Spock looked in awe of the man he considered his t’hy’la.
“Jim.”
“Let it be.”
Yes, Spock decided he could do that.
As the migraine slowly began to fade Spock cuddled closer to Jim, tucking his head against his chest and shoulder. Jim sighed happily and they fell asleep together to the rhythm of the rain on the windows.
The End
Rating: G
Pairings: Kirk/Spock
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Summary: Post-TMP. After accepting his simple feelings Spock wants to give everything he is to Jim, but the lingering trauma from the mind-meld with V’Ger is making that an impossible goal to reach.
Reaching
V’Ger had ascended to a higher level of being and the galaxy was safe one again. In the aftermath the new double bed in Jim’s quarters was being put to good use; as Scotty and his team made some minor repairs to the Enterprise before returning to spacedock. Jim had Spock on his back on the bed. His hands on Spock’s hips as he moved them in an ever increasing rhythm. Spock felt that he was close, he reached up and spread his fingers in a familiar pattern on Jim’s face, but the barest brush of connection with Jim’s mind caused him to immediately flinch away. It was still too much to handle so soon after V’Ger.
Jim’s rhythm slowed and he caught Spock’s hand as it drew back and kissed each finger in turn.
“Don’t rush it,” he said breathlessly. “We have the rest of our lives to get good at this.”
***
Despite Jim’s reassurances Spock was determined to regain the ability to mentally connect. For even though they had moved into together immediately upon their return to Earth and were working towards another five year mission together, Spock couldn’t ignore the fact that a large portion of his life was currently denied to him. As the days rolled on and progress remained non existent however, Spock became more and more despondent. He could not give himself to Jim as he wished, he was a failure again.
Another week later the weather firmly reflected Spock’s dark mood. Rain poured down on the city of San Francisco and lightning and thunder rolled across the darkened sky. Jim had gone to headquarters for a meeting and had yet to return. Spock watched the downpour from the living room window. The storm was one of the worst the city had seen for a long time and Spock wanted to know that he was all right.
He went to his meditation area in the bedroom and knelt down on the mat. He lit the lamp and breathed in deeply as the incenses began to fill the air. He continued breathing and closed his eyes, slowly Spock focused on his body, letting his mind explore all aspects of it. He could do that again at least. Once satisfied that he was ready Spock searched for the tiny bud that had once been his link to Jim. He slogged through the visions and data, and the seemingly endless stream of things that V’Ger had known and that had been unceremoniously forced onto him in V’Ger’s quest for answers.
Finally he found his long sought after prize, the tiny spark that confirmed for him that Jim was still among the living. He snapped back to reality with a gasp and fell backwards onto his back, his face covered in thin sheen of sweat. Spock let his features relax into the softest of smiles though, he had been successful.
Still, Spock paid the price for his enthusiasm. Within half an hour pain was shooting through his head. Pulsating from the base of his skull and radiating pain outward in all directions. Spock managed to stumble to the bed and lie down. He let his head sink into the pillows and kept his eyes squeezed shut against the spinning on the room. At least the power had gone out by then so he didn’t have to worry about the lights; although he was quite certain there was a sizeable dent in the comm system when he had thrown some knick-knack at it in a fit frustration. It obviously wasn’t broken though because it continued beeping away until he heard Jim’s voice.
“Hi, Spock, I’m sorry I’m so late, but the storm’s got almost everything shut down. I finally made it out of headquarters though and I’ll be home soon, bye.”
Spock felt his face burn green as he thought of what Jim would think when he found him like this, brought so physically low by a mental task that he use to do with ease.
An hour later, he could not be more accurate in his current state, Spock heard the soft swoosh of the door as it announced Jim’s arrival.
“Spock?” Jim’s voice called out through the apartment.
If they were bonded properly Jim wouldn’t have to search for him Spock thought ruefully.
Wet footsteps could be heard through the hallway until they stopped at the bedroom door.
“Hey,” Jim said, and smiled. “I guess there isn’t much else to do.”
Spock remained still on the bed.
“There’s a backup generator I’ll go-”
“No! No, Jim, please I…I need it dark.”
Jim frowned and came in to stand next to the bed.
“Migraine,” Jim said, his voice becoming a soft whisper. “I didn’t know you got them.”
“It is rare.”
Jim reached out a squeezed Spock’s shoulder gently in sympathy.
“I take it you don’t have any medication for it.”
“No.”
“Then I’ll fix it the old fashioned way.”
Minutes later Jim was curled up beside Spock in bed. Jim’s fingers moved softly through his hair. They pressed and released in turn and slowly dulled the pain.
“Is there something I can do to avoid triggering it?” he asked.
“No,” Spock responded softly. “It...it was my fault. I was working to rebuild a connection between us and I over estimated my abilities.”
Jim sighed softly and kissed Spock’s neck.
“I know this is difficult for you, Spock, but you don’t have to push yourself so hard for me. I’m happy with what we have, Spock, truly I am. This was something I didn’t even dare to dream about just a few short months ago and now...I love you, Spock. I want to marry you as is customary on Earth, and if it takes ten years for you to be ready to do the same on Vulcan then we’ll do it as our vow renewal.”
Though it was not Jim’s intention such words only served to make Spock feel worse; as had his acceptance over the past weeks. He was so accepting, so patient, and Spock knew he did not deserve it for leaving him.
“You should not have to wait any longer for me,” Spock said, thinking back on his actions at the end of their five year mission with renewed shame. “You were so patient with me during our mission together and you remained true while I abandoned you for Gol. I wish to give you all that I am to you now...and I cannot.”
Jim grimaced at being thought of as so perfect when he had been such an asshole during the three years they had been apart.
“You shouldn’t put me up on a pedestal, I don’t deserve it.”
Jim wrapped his arms around Spock, holding him close.
“I was married during your time at Gol,” he whispered.
“What!?”
Spock turned around to look at Jim and his body just as quickly protested, which was exactly what Jim had been trying to avoid. Jim silently got Spock comfortable again, still facing him, so he could look into his eyes.
“It wasn’t official...less than a marriage, but more than a betrothal as you would say. We agreed to a year to see how things went and...well badly doesn’t even begin to describe it. Lori was just a substitute, she knew that by the time she left, and deep down I knew it too.”
“About what happened before that.” Jim sighed. “We should have talked. There was always something between us, we both knew that. When it looked like you were ready to explore that I thought everything was going to be smooth sailing.” Jim snorted. “You worked to understand yourself and grow, and what did I do? I carried on like nothing had changed. I never hesitated to use my charms on a woman to my advantage. Never backed away from flirting during shore leave, never gave one thought to what you must have been thinking. I was selfish and I’m sorry.”
“Then after you left for Vulcan I just got worse. I hid away from my problems behind a desk and when I finally wanted to make things right I didn’t care who I trampled on to get there. Decker was right I wasn’t sorry that I kicked him out of the chair. I wanted my life back the way it was and to hell with anyone else’s wishes; Sonak was to be science officer, did you know that? I thought that if I couldn’t have you I would get someone like you. All of it was just trying to get you back in someway.”
Spock slowly let one hand come up and run through Jim’s hair.
“You do have me in someways.”
Jim stroked one finger gently down Spock’s face.
“I have you in every way, Spock, because you here and we’re together, like we always should have been. I don’t need a mental bond to know that.”
Jim leaned in and kissed him firmly on the lips.
“I’m not perfect, Spock, and you’re not perfect so this relationship certainly doesn’t need to be perfect.”
Spock looked in awe of the man he considered his t’hy’la.
“Jim.”
“Let it be.”
Yes, Spock decided he could do that.
As the migraine slowly began to fade Spock cuddled closer to Jim, tucking his head against his chest and shoulder. Jim sighed happily and they fell asleep together to the rhythm of the rain on the windows.
The End