Confesion
****WARNING****
Do not read this entry if you have any type of impression that I am macho, grand or a fighter. I am a teddy bear at heart.
****WARNING****
I decided to go out to day and buy Jarhead the movie. I hadn't seen it and was wondering what it was all about. Let me start off by saying that yes it was a very good move. Right on par with the first half of Full Metal Jacket for the current age. But, I found my self in tears most of the movie. Although I was not part of desert shield/store I was in the Marine Corps and I did have friends that went to Iraq for OIF. My former unit (1st/3rd Radio battalion) was one of the first to go. I wasn't a grunt, a scout sniper or anything of that nature. But I got to my unit just as forces were starting to deploy over there for the big war. I remember getting tot eh unit and everyone starting to prepare to go out to the snd box. I got there and like always I proved my self as being a valuable asset to the unit. I enjoyed the fact taht as such a new guy that I was going to be able to go. I got the news kind of happy. I get to go and use all of this training that I had recieved. But, A few weeks after the list that I was on was announced I started getting restless. I starting waking up in cold sweats, if I was even able to fall asleep at all. I remember one sleepless night that I was lying in bed and thinking about what it was going to be like. I cracked. I got out of bed in the middle of the night and went for a walk. I took a walk around housing and around the barracs. I probly walked most of the base that night.I don't know why I decided that it would be a good idea to take a walk in the middle of the night but I know that I needed to. I walked and thought. I thought hard and long. I thought about what would it be like to actualy be out there in the heat, sand getting into places on my body that I didn't know even existed. But, for some reason that sounds like fun almost like a challange. I was in teh Marine Corps after all. We were all about challenges. But, that wasn't what was bothering me. I also thought about what it would be like to be out there and get hurt or even killed. What would iit do to my mom? But, once again taht didn't bother me. I joined the armed services. It was my duty to go and do teh best that I could. then I thought about how fun it would be to pull the trigger. To see the muzzel flash. To not be worrying about what the range master is going to say. That seems like fun. Then it flashed. This wasn't wide open esert. This was urban terrain. This was cities and towns. I wouldn't be able to tell who was going to be my "enemy" or who was going to be an ally. What happens if I turn a corner and walk into a family eating dinner. The Husband jumps up grabs a gun and points it at me. Now I know what I must do I must kill or be killed. But, what if that same husband didn't have his gun, what if i was blocking the path to his means of protection. What if he was comming at me with his steak knife. I knwo that he could kill me. And I know that I could take him down with out the need of a rifle. But, I also understood that in the rush of things I would freeze. I would see his face, I would see his wife and children. he /they are people. they are just liek us. ok, so my politicalviews are different from his. But, what if they weren't what if all both of us wanted was a nice world for our family to grow up in with no violence. I could never know I couldn't sit him down and talk to him. I would have to pull the trigger. I would feel the heat from the explosion in the rifle comming off. I would see his head explode. blood all over myself, his family. I would have murdred him right infront of his family. I would have ruined a family that was just having a nice night at home. What would you do if the roles were reversed? I don't want you to say some political mombo-jumbo. Look at this from a human stand point. How is my killing that guy who has a fmily any better then me going down to some person I hate's house and doing the same thing? I would get more joy out of killing a person taht I hated then this person. I am not going to say that he is innocent. But then again what if he is? What if this guy just wanted to do something better with his life but his government made him do this? In a different life could this guy have not been my best friend? I realised taht I couldn't do it. Next day I told one person. That I couldn't go. And I was taken off the list. Ever since I came to that realisation I wanted out. I couldn't take it. This job of pride and of love became my worst enemy over night. And my hated was relected everyday. I never told anyone why I hated teh Marine Corps so much but now you know. For those of you that got hurt in my wake I'm sorry. I didn't even realise until now the hated I had or where it came from. Now, noone get me wrong the people that are figting for our country, I respect tehm and I wish tehm well and think about them everyday. But, not for me I can't do it. I love the life's of others way too much to be able to take a life. now you also know why i'm such a pasifist. To everyone that I have hurt I'm sorry. I love you my friends deeply. If my current job was run liek teh marine corps minus a few things I would be so proud. But today, I can say that my life is better to knwo taht I will never again be called upon to kill another human.
Phil
Do not read this entry if you have any type of impression that I am macho, grand or a fighter. I am a teddy bear at heart.
****WARNING****
I decided to go out to day and buy Jarhead the movie. I hadn't seen it and was wondering what it was all about. Let me start off by saying that yes it was a very good move. Right on par with the first half of Full Metal Jacket for the current age. But, I found my self in tears most of the movie. Although I was not part of desert shield/store I was in the Marine Corps and I did have friends that went to Iraq for OIF. My former unit (1st/3rd Radio battalion) was one of the first to go. I wasn't a grunt, a scout sniper or anything of that nature. But I got to my unit just as forces were starting to deploy over there for the big war. I remember getting tot eh unit and everyone starting to prepare to go out to the snd box. I got there and like always I proved my self as being a valuable asset to the unit. I enjoyed the fact taht as such a new guy that I was going to be able to go. I got the news kind of happy. I get to go and use all of this training that I had recieved. But, A few weeks after the list that I was on was announced I started getting restless. I starting waking up in cold sweats, if I was even able to fall asleep at all. I remember one sleepless night that I was lying in bed and thinking about what it was going to be like. I cracked. I got out of bed in the middle of the night and went for a walk. I took a walk around housing and around the barracs. I probly walked most of the base that night.I don't know why I decided that it would be a good idea to take a walk in the middle of the night but I know that I needed to. I walked and thought. I thought hard and long. I thought about what would it be like to actualy be out there in the heat, sand getting into places on my body that I didn't know even existed. But, for some reason that sounds like fun almost like a challange. I was in teh Marine Corps after all. We were all about challenges. But, that wasn't what was bothering me. I also thought about what it would be like to be out there and get hurt or even killed. What would iit do to my mom? But, once again taht didn't bother me. I joined the armed services. It was my duty to go and do teh best that I could. then I thought about how fun it would be to pull the trigger. To see the muzzel flash. To not be worrying about what the range master is going to say. That seems like fun. Then it flashed. This wasn't wide open esert. This was urban terrain. This was cities and towns. I wouldn't be able to tell who was going to be my "enemy" or who was going to be an ally. What happens if I turn a corner and walk into a family eating dinner. The Husband jumps up grabs a gun and points it at me. Now I know what I must do I must kill or be killed. But, what if that same husband didn't have his gun, what if i was blocking the path to his means of protection. What if he was comming at me with his steak knife. I knwo that he could kill me. And I know that I could take him down with out the need of a rifle. But, I also understood that in the rush of things I would freeze. I would see his face, I would see his wife and children. he /they are people. they are just liek us. ok, so my politicalviews are different from his. But, what if they weren't what if all both of us wanted was a nice world for our family to grow up in with no violence. I could never know I couldn't sit him down and talk to him. I would have to pull the trigger. I would feel the heat from the explosion in the rifle comming off. I would see his head explode. blood all over myself, his family. I would have murdred him right infront of his family. I would have ruined a family that was just having a nice night at home. What would you do if the roles were reversed? I don't want you to say some political mombo-jumbo. Look at this from a human stand point. How is my killing that guy who has a fmily any better then me going down to some person I hate's house and doing the same thing? I would get more joy out of killing a person taht I hated then this person. I am not going to say that he is innocent. But then again what if he is? What if this guy just wanted to do something better with his life but his government made him do this? In a different life could this guy have not been my best friend? I realised taht I couldn't do it. Next day I told one person. That I couldn't go. And I was taken off the list. Ever since I came to that realisation I wanted out. I couldn't take it. This job of pride and of love became my worst enemy over night. And my hated was relected everyday. I never told anyone why I hated teh Marine Corps so much but now you know. For those of you that got hurt in my wake I'm sorry. I didn't even realise until now the hated I had or where it came from. Now, noone get me wrong the people that are figting for our country, I respect tehm and I wish tehm well and think about them everyday. But, not for me I can't do it. I love the life's of others way too much to be able to take a life. now you also know why i'm such a pasifist. To everyone that I have hurt I'm sorry. I love you my friends deeply. If my current job was run liek teh marine corps minus a few things I would be so proud. But today, I can say that my life is better to knwo taht I will never again be called upon to kill another human.
Phil