(no subject)
a certain person makes me feel like i'm unwanted in this house. i hate fighting with her, but the silence period is even worse. i hate it with all i have. i've tried talking to her, but she obviously doesn't want anything to do with me right now. so in the end i blamming myself for everything that has happend. from her obssession, to my parents fighting. well, atleast she makes it seem it's my fault. anyways when my dad took me to the mall earlier we talked about it.. we both agree she wont ever stop until she gets professional help. but she wont even consider the idea, b/c she doesn't believe she has a problem. god, i just don't know what to do. none of us can live with it, and i'm the one who suffers from this more than anyone else in the family. i would consider living with my grandparents, but i wouldn't be able to live with my grandpa. all i do is get bitched out from him for not being his 'ideal' teenager. screw that.. i'm me. but he can't accept it. in his eyes i need to be the straight A student, the girly girl who wears dresses all the time, i need to marry a certain type of guy that he approves of, i need to have a certain type of career. damnit i hate how he tries to play my dad's role. my grandma has even told him to let me live my own life, b/c he's pushing me away from him. but he doesn't care. my families view of myself is to be this perfect kid who can't ever mess up in life; to make up for all my brother's mistakes. so i have to try extra harder to prove everyone wrong, that i'm not going to end up like a high school drop-out who's life revolves around drugs, and using people to get by easily in life; as my brother does. my brother thinks i have it easy.. pshh i'm the one having to make up for what he has done, not him. i'm under so much pressure. and alot of the time i just don't think i'm ever good enough for anybody. that's not supposed to be a pitty myself line, that's just how certain people make me feel like. i feel so lost in life right now. i'm also developing some feelings again, that i can't act uppon. why can't i? b/c nobody in this family approves of it. my own heart isn't even free anymore. so i'm obviously living the life everyone else wants me to. living up to everyone elses standards, just so their freaking happy. well i hope they are, b/c i'm so unhappy with the way things are in my life.. yet i'm uncappable to change any of it. i'm reaching a point where i just want to tell everyone to FUCK OFF and run away from this place. i'd be way better escaping my moms alcoholism, my parents constant fighting, and hiding myself around everyone. i need an escape.