(no subject)
ohhh gosh... i'm so sorry i stayed away for so long...
i'm not doing to well... have been stressed all the time... my head is constant thinking about weight, food, foodcontrole, my fat body etc...
so i don't know how but i screwed up badly this week.
my lowest weight in this month was exactly 50 kg... i'm now at 53.1 kg.... gosh i hate myself!
i know i don't want to get really ill and everything... but there is no worse feeling than gaining.. and having no control over myself...
so i bought some new dietpills and need to be below 52.5 monday morning.
i also decided form now on i'll wright everything i eat down... so it's more of a punishment because i'll have to face it again after eating...
the reason i was gone for so long... well i wasnt doing good... and then me an my bf broke up... and he said he would kill himself... and there was just soo much drama for a long time.
and then he told my parents about my obsession with foods... i fcking trusted him.... so now i'm really fcked...
wel atleast i was... because my parents got me to a psychologist and everything.. and sat down with me for 3 meals a day.... so i gained a lot back... but now they;re on a holiday and will be back the 11th of september... but i can decide what i eat myself.. and when they're back i will move from the Netherlands (were i live now) to London (england)! i'm so exited about it... except that i do not know anyone over there... and i just hope i will not gain a lot and will be able to have control once i live there...
i'm happy my parents are away now.. because i couldn't go to my prothinspo websites... an not to livejournal because they looked up everything i did on the internet.... so i was soo frustrated... an let go... and gained... and now i;m just depressed... i feel like i really failed everything
i met this new guy... and he just keeps asking things... and one night... i just was really depressed and bloated and i told him what i am thinking all the time.. and how i feel and so on... so now he nows... and he wants to 'help' me... but it's so hopeless because he really needs to backoff... i really like him though... and its just wiert
luckily i'll move out of this country in a couple of weeks!
xx
mathilde
i'm not doing to well... have been stressed all the time... my head is constant thinking about weight, food, foodcontrole, my fat body etc...
so i don't know how but i screwed up badly this week.
my lowest weight in this month was exactly 50 kg... i'm now at 53.1 kg.... gosh i hate myself!
i know i don't want to get really ill and everything... but there is no worse feeling than gaining.. and having no control over myself...
so i bought some new dietpills and need to be below 52.5 monday morning.
i also decided form now on i'll wright everything i eat down... so it's more of a punishment because i'll have to face it again after eating...
the reason i was gone for so long... well i wasnt doing good... and then me an my bf broke up... and he said he would kill himself... and there was just soo much drama for a long time.
and then he told my parents about my obsession with foods... i fcking trusted him.... so now i'm really fcked...
wel atleast i was... because my parents got me to a psychologist and everything.. and sat down with me for 3 meals a day.... so i gained a lot back... but now they;re on a holiday and will be back the 11th of september... but i can decide what i eat myself.. and when they're back i will move from the Netherlands (were i live now) to London (england)! i'm so exited about it... except that i do not know anyone over there... and i just hope i will not gain a lot and will be able to have control once i live there...
i'm happy my parents are away now.. because i couldn't go to my prothinspo websites... an not to livejournal because they looked up everything i did on the internet.... so i was soo frustrated... an let go... and gained... and now i;m just depressed... i feel like i really failed everything
i met this new guy... and he just keeps asking things... and one night... i just was really depressed and bloated and i told him what i am thinking all the time.. and how i feel and so on... so now he nows... and he wants to 'help' me... but it's so hopeless because he really needs to backoff... i really like him though... and its just wiert
luckily i'll move out of this country in a couple of weeks!
xx
mathilde