Austin?
Rawrg. So here's the scoop on Austin.
Basically, he used to have a thing for me, but because he never felt any "sparks," he never pursued us and now wants to be friends. He feels like he needs a gay friend so he doesn't feel as slutty. He does not know I know this.
I, knowing this and liking him a great deal, went to dinner with him alone, and we had a good time. Our hands got close enough to hold, but I never did it. We kept walking really close so that we'd be touching. I ended up jumping on his back and he gave me a piggyback back to the dorm. We parted ways at about 7:48. He had a band thing to go to at 9:00. He invited me to dinner the next day.
At about 8:12, I text him saying "Could you drop by my room?" At 8:13, he replies with a "Sure in a few!" I'm already dressed up cos my English presentation, though I had dressed down for dinner; I just put the dress shirt back on and put on some cologne.
He comes into my room wearing a t-shirt and blue tie.
"Hi," he says.
"Hey! What's up?" I reply.
"Not much--going to band at 9:00."
"Oh yeah. I knew that. I really like the tie."
"You do? Thanks! I'm wearing a brown shirt, slacks, and dress shoes with it," he tells me. I'm fingering the tie. I decide it's now or never, so I pull him in close by the tie and kiss him firmly on the lips. No tongue, just a kiss. He begins to try to kiss back, but I pull away too quickly. I wish I hadn't.
He blinks a couple times. "Wow."
Heading off any awkwardness, I tell him, "I don't know if you feel the same way, and it's okay if you don't."
"I don't know... Nobody's ever done anything like this before."
There's a few lines here that I forget, (nothing important, I'm sure) but it ends with "I've got to get ready for band. I wish we could talk more about it." He has a pained expression on his face.
"It's okay. Just pop in afterwards!" I smile.
Then he leaves. It's 8:21. I sit in my room in case he wants to come back in a bit, but he doesn't. I call Robin up and we talk. I'm a babbling mess, and by the time I calm down and stop shaking, I'm feeling rather lost. She soothes me, and we walk around campus. I'm feeling good about myself.
We go up to Kurt's room, the RA for the unit above me, where he's resolving something between two people in his unit. Whatever confidence Robin had built up, Kurt tore it down. He said that I shouldn't expect him or Robin to force Austin to like me, and I try to tell him that I don't want Austin to like me if it's because of peer pressure but he keeps talking. He said that it was out of my hands now (yes, I understand) and that Austin was a big heartbreaker on campus. Have you ever been rejected before? No, but I think I can handle it. Do you think you can still be his friend? Yeah. I won't have any hard feelings; he just wouldn't have the same attraction to me that I do to him. He told me that I shouldn't be looking for people at Butler (we have about 4-5K people) and that Indianapolis has a large gay population. He said that Austin would probably call him in a few hours anyways, but that he wouldn't divulge anything from our meeting. He told me that I needed to stop thinking about it since I couldn't do anything. "Go watch a movie. Walk around." And with that, he let us out the door.
I went downstairs and cried onto Robin's shoulder. I wasn't quite sure what I had wanted or expected out of Kurt--mostly to be sympathetic, I think, and probably to give some insight into how Austin may or may not feel about me. I really didn't expect him to not even consider the possibility of Austin wanting me. We browsed Youtube a bit, but I escort Robin back home soon enough. We see Britlynn, Austin (girl), and a girl I had never met before. Her name was Abby.
What Kurt had torn down, the girls tried to bring back up. He probably doesn't know what to say. Just give it time. Don't start worrying until a week from now. You have dinner with him tomorrow? Well, worry after that. I'm not feeling great, but better. Every little bit counts.
I walked home, and he still hasn't popped by my room. What I'm thinking now is that he just never really saw me as date-able, and that now that he knows I am, he just needs to sort out his feelings for me. Schemas and dissonance. Ick.
I hope we still have dinner tomorrow. I want this resolved, either way, but I know it's not going to happen soon. I hope things turn out okay. I want to be strong, but after Kurt's tirade...it's hard.
Basically, he used to have a thing for me, but because he never felt any "sparks," he never pursued us and now wants to be friends. He feels like he needs a gay friend so he doesn't feel as slutty. He does not know I know this.
I, knowing this and liking him a great deal, went to dinner with him alone, and we had a good time. Our hands got close enough to hold, but I never did it. We kept walking really close so that we'd be touching. I ended up jumping on his back and he gave me a piggyback back to the dorm. We parted ways at about 7:48. He had a band thing to go to at 9:00. He invited me to dinner the next day.
At about 8:12, I text him saying "Could you drop by my room?" At 8:13, he replies with a "Sure in a few!" I'm already dressed up cos my English presentation, though I had dressed down for dinner; I just put the dress shirt back on and put on some cologne.
He comes into my room wearing a t-shirt and blue tie.
"Hi," he says.
"Hey! What's up?" I reply.
"Not much--going to band at 9:00."
"Oh yeah. I knew that. I really like the tie."
"You do? Thanks! I'm wearing a brown shirt, slacks, and dress shoes with it," he tells me. I'm fingering the tie. I decide it's now or never, so I pull him in close by the tie and kiss him firmly on the lips. No tongue, just a kiss. He begins to try to kiss back, but I pull away too quickly. I wish I hadn't.
He blinks a couple times. "Wow."
Heading off any awkwardness, I tell him, "I don't know if you feel the same way, and it's okay if you don't."
"I don't know... Nobody's ever done anything like this before."
There's a few lines here that I forget, (nothing important, I'm sure) but it ends with "I've got to get ready for band. I wish we could talk more about it." He has a pained expression on his face.
"It's okay. Just pop in afterwards!" I smile.
Then he leaves. It's 8:21. I sit in my room in case he wants to come back in a bit, but he doesn't. I call Robin up and we talk. I'm a babbling mess, and by the time I calm down and stop shaking, I'm feeling rather lost. She soothes me, and we walk around campus. I'm feeling good about myself.
We go up to Kurt's room, the RA for the unit above me, where he's resolving something between two people in his unit. Whatever confidence Robin had built up, Kurt tore it down. He said that I shouldn't expect him or Robin to force Austin to like me, and I try to tell him that I don't want Austin to like me if it's because of peer pressure but he keeps talking. He said that it was out of my hands now (yes, I understand) and that Austin was a big heartbreaker on campus. Have you ever been rejected before? No, but I think I can handle it. Do you think you can still be his friend? Yeah. I won't have any hard feelings; he just wouldn't have the same attraction to me that I do to him. He told me that I shouldn't be looking for people at Butler (we have about 4-5K people) and that Indianapolis has a large gay population. He said that Austin would probably call him in a few hours anyways, but that he wouldn't divulge anything from our meeting. He told me that I needed to stop thinking about it since I couldn't do anything. "Go watch a movie. Walk around." And with that, he let us out the door.
I went downstairs and cried onto Robin's shoulder. I wasn't quite sure what I had wanted or expected out of Kurt--mostly to be sympathetic, I think, and probably to give some insight into how Austin may or may not feel about me. I really didn't expect him to not even consider the possibility of Austin wanting me. We browsed Youtube a bit, but I escort Robin back home soon enough. We see Britlynn, Austin (girl), and a girl I had never met before. Her name was Abby.
What Kurt had torn down, the girls tried to bring back up. He probably doesn't know what to say. Just give it time. Don't start worrying until a week from now. You have dinner with him tomorrow? Well, worry after that. I'm not feeling great, but better. Every little bit counts.
I walked home, and he still hasn't popped by my room. What I'm thinking now is that he just never really saw me as date-able, and that now that he knows I am, he just needs to sort out his feelings for me. Schemas and dissonance. Ick.
I hope we still have dinner tomorrow. I want this resolved, either way, but I know it's not going to happen soon. I hope things turn out okay. I want to be strong, but after Kurt's tirade...it's hard.