"I love you, I miss you."
God what a shit day.
I got up early, was too tired and out of it to manage a shower, and Matt offered to drive me to class on his way tot work--but yet his parting words were to guilt me for wanting a ride. WTF?
Ed Psych was okay. Some good discussion. I feel kinda bad because I feel like I'm *that student* who always answers in there. But I just get...I get excited about the material. *shrug* I don't think that's BAD really...
Matt texted me during class, so I called back after, and talked really briefly while I *RAN* to Econ, since I was late.
Econ was just...whatever. That class is easy. I set up the computer and said hi to a friend. *begin part of why this was a shit day.* I knew this person would be busy all day, but figured I'd say hey. No response. All period.
Went to Chem. No response. All period.
Called Matt, he talked for less than a minute, asked me to hang on for 5 minutes and sat in dead silence, then said "I have to go, I'll call back in a little while" and hung up. I never heard back from him.
Went to Astronomy--it was boring, and I got no response from the person I was trying to talk to.
Went to lunch, Matt refused to answer his phone.
Ate lunch, no response.
Came home, no phone answer from Matt no IM response from friend.
Set up my computer to make noise, figuring friend was really busy and would at least say hi before going home from work. Was woken up sometime later by the computer telling me the person had signed out. Without taking even just...a few seconds to say hi, or anything.
I know it sounds really trivial. And it kinda is. Part of it is that talking, even briefly, with this person is part of my routine. I'm kinda OCD and my routine is pretty important to me. Part of it is that I care a lot about this person and I just like talking.
I don't know...I'm just feeling kind of unwanted. Matt got off an hour late, and all the notification I got was a text message.
Then there was a conversation about bip that left me feeling just...not good enough. There is something that Mae has absolutely every reason to be all over and I feel like she keeps getting pushed out for one reason or another (though, I just remembered something said to me yesterday that made me feel better at bit). I *HATE* feeling excluded. I hate it more when it's not really for a good reason. Also some other things going on with That Game that are leaving me feeling like I'm "doing it right" and getting the shaft for it. *sigh*
Anyway. Even though the bip paragraph was longest, it's FAR from my biggest issue. Just the most easy to articulate. It's more like the cherry on top of this day.
I feel freakin' unwanted today. I don't know why I'm so prone to feeling unwanted, but I am. And today is one of those days.
Luckily, another friend just listened to my ranting and I feel a little better. Matt also came home and ordered pizza.
*sigh*
I just want to live close to my friends, I want to feel included and loved and wanted. it's IMPORTANT to me, and it's really hard to feel so on the outside so much of the time, which is how I feel now. And I don't know why.
I don't *think* I'm a bad person. I don't *think* I'm annoying or irksome. I try to be there for people. I try to just be a good friend. But for all that trying I don't know if I lack social skills or what--I just feel on the outside a lot.
"I love you,
I miss you.
I need you,
I don't know why.
I wonder about you at night,
I think about you in the day.
I love you,
I miss you.
I need to feel your presence,
Selfish, but true."
I can't remember where that came from. I think i wrote it a few years back. The thing is, love to me isn't just about sexual/romantic love. It's about friendship and belonging. I love a lot of people, because I love a lot of my friends. Feeling disconnected from so many of the people I care about is really hard for me. I never thought of myself as social, but I'm slowly finding out I just might be.
EDIT
Oh, I might be feeling particularly wonderful since I think my uterus just pushed the big red self-destruct button. Gag.
I got up early, was too tired and out of it to manage a shower, and Matt offered to drive me to class on his way tot work--but yet his parting words were to guilt me for wanting a ride. WTF?
Ed Psych was okay. Some good discussion. I feel kinda bad because I feel like I'm *that student* who always answers in there. But I just get...I get excited about the material. *shrug* I don't think that's BAD really...
Matt texted me during class, so I called back after, and talked really briefly while I *RAN* to Econ, since I was late.
Econ was just...whatever. That class is easy. I set up the computer and said hi to a friend. *begin part of why this was a shit day.* I knew this person would be busy all day, but figured I'd say hey. No response. All period.
Went to Chem. No response. All period.
Called Matt, he talked for less than a minute, asked me to hang on for 5 minutes and sat in dead silence, then said "I have to go, I'll call back in a little while" and hung up. I never heard back from him.
Went to Astronomy--it was boring, and I got no response from the person I was trying to talk to.
Went to lunch, Matt refused to answer his phone.
Ate lunch, no response.
Came home, no phone answer from Matt no IM response from friend.
Set up my computer to make noise, figuring friend was really busy and would at least say hi before going home from work. Was woken up sometime later by the computer telling me the person had signed out. Without taking even just...a few seconds to say hi, or anything.
I know it sounds really trivial. And it kinda is. Part of it is that talking, even briefly, with this person is part of my routine. I'm kinda OCD and my routine is pretty important to me. Part of it is that I care a lot about this person and I just like talking.
I don't know...I'm just feeling kind of unwanted. Matt got off an hour late, and all the notification I got was a text message.
Then there was a conversation about bip that left me feeling just...not good enough. There is something that Mae has absolutely every reason to be all over and I feel like she keeps getting pushed out for one reason or another (though, I just remembered something said to me yesterday that made me feel better at bit). I *HATE* feeling excluded. I hate it more when it's not really for a good reason. Also some other things going on with That Game that are leaving me feeling like I'm "doing it right" and getting the shaft for it. *sigh*
Anyway. Even though the bip paragraph was longest, it's FAR from my biggest issue. Just the most easy to articulate. It's more like the cherry on top of this day.
I feel freakin' unwanted today. I don't know why I'm so prone to feeling unwanted, but I am. And today is one of those days.
Luckily, another friend just listened to my ranting and I feel a little better. Matt also came home and ordered pizza.
*sigh*
I just want to live close to my friends, I want to feel included and loved and wanted. it's IMPORTANT to me, and it's really hard to feel so on the outside so much of the time, which is how I feel now. And I don't know why.
I don't *think* I'm a bad person. I don't *think* I'm annoying or irksome. I try to be there for people. I try to just be a good friend. But for all that trying I don't know if I lack social skills or what--I just feel on the outside a lot.
"I love you,
I miss you.
I need you,
I don't know why.
I wonder about you at night,
I think about you in the day.
I love you,
I miss you.
I need to feel your presence,
Selfish, but true."
I can't remember where that came from. I think i wrote it a few years back. The thing is, love to me isn't just about sexual/romantic love. It's about friendship and belonging. I love a lot of people, because I love a lot of my friends. Feeling disconnected from so many of the people I care about is really hard for me. I never thought of myself as social, but I'm slowly finding out I just might be.
EDIT
Oh, I might be feeling particularly wonderful since I think my uterus just pushed the big red self-destruct button. Gag.