Frustration
It's Thanksgiving. Not that I'd know if it wasn't for being out of school today. Matt volunteered to work, trying to build up good will so he gets Christmas off. He did get to come home early though, so that's worth something.
I went to the store when I woke up and ended up buying a ton of stuff for Thanksgiving dinner. Which Matt just informed me he's "too full" to eat because they fed him at work. Too bad I haven't had anything to eat at all today except for the left over onions from his stupid green bean casserole (which is on the counter, untouched).
I guess I'll cook everything tomorrow instead, while he's at work all day.
I was really hoping to talk to someone today, but from the look of things missed them in the hour I was at the store. Of course. Like everytime.
Waiting on response to something I really struggled with writing. But it's not a crisis--just a want.
I was up 'til 2am because I tried to go to bed and couldn't sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me.
It's holidays, so I'm morose and difficult.
I had an e-mail yesterday that I *think* means I got into the College of Education. I'm frustrated, because I haven't heard anything official yet, but this e-mail sounds like I'm in. I want my letter and to register for classes dammit. *sigh* I'm demanding, I know.
None of my packages have gotten here. I'm getting impatient for some of it. Maybe one the holiday is over. I'm waiting on a christmas present for a friend that I'm going to have to repackage and mail. Given mail I'm starting to worry about time.
I should be using today to work on the papers I have due. But I have no energy. Only a couple weeks left of school, not many exams either. I'm just mentally done right now though.
God I hope this school thing works out. I really hope I can be a teacher. I worry that I'm just not going to make it. I don't really think I can articulate how much of a blow to my confidence the drama this semester with AppleCorps (even if it was a misunderstanding) and not getting in last semester has been. I am SUPPOSED to succeed, first try, all the time. I'm supposed to be perfect. Everyone said how sure they were that I'd get in--and I wasn't good enough because I was "too nervous" or some crap. Not. Good. Enough. To me...it just burns and burns. I'm so afriad of failing again now.
I'm so insane sometimes.
Anyway, my jello salad is setting up perfectly this time. A releif.
Apparently I'm making steaks and mushroom caps for dinner tonight and turkey tomorrow.
I want to curl up and cry. I have no idea why. I need my friends to not mostly be a minimun of 3 hours away (with a few notable exceptions). I need to not be afraid of calling people when I'm feeling lonely.
And I can't do any of that.
*sigh*
I'm off to try and cook away my feelings of frustration, abandonment, and hatred of the holidays. At least I'll be the size of Montana and depressed when it's all over.
I went to the store when I woke up and ended up buying a ton of stuff for Thanksgiving dinner. Which Matt just informed me he's "too full" to eat because they fed him at work. Too bad I haven't had anything to eat at all today except for the left over onions from his stupid green bean casserole (which is on the counter, untouched).
I guess I'll cook everything tomorrow instead, while he's at work all day.
I was really hoping to talk to someone today, but from the look of things missed them in the hour I was at the store. Of course. Like everytime.
Waiting on response to something I really struggled with writing. But it's not a crisis--just a want.
I was up 'til 2am because I tried to go to bed and couldn't sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me.
It's holidays, so I'm morose and difficult.
I had an e-mail yesterday that I *think* means I got into the College of Education. I'm frustrated, because I haven't heard anything official yet, but this e-mail sounds like I'm in. I want my letter and to register for classes dammit. *sigh* I'm demanding, I know.
None of my packages have gotten here. I'm getting impatient for some of it. Maybe one the holiday is over. I'm waiting on a christmas present for a friend that I'm going to have to repackage and mail. Given mail I'm starting to worry about time.
I should be using today to work on the papers I have due. But I have no energy. Only a couple weeks left of school, not many exams either. I'm just mentally done right now though.
God I hope this school thing works out. I really hope I can be a teacher. I worry that I'm just not going to make it. I don't really think I can articulate how much of a blow to my confidence the drama this semester with AppleCorps (even if it was a misunderstanding) and not getting in last semester has been. I am SUPPOSED to succeed, first try, all the time. I'm supposed to be perfect. Everyone said how sure they were that I'd get in--and I wasn't good enough because I was "too nervous" or some crap. Not. Good. Enough. To me...it just burns and burns. I'm so afriad of failing again now.
I'm so insane sometimes.
Anyway, my jello salad is setting up perfectly this time. A releif.
Apparently I'm making steaks and mushroom caps for dinner tonight and turkey tomorrow.
I want to curl up and cry. I have no idea why. I need my friends to not mostly be a minimun of 3 hours away (with a few notable exceptions). I need to not be afraid of calling people when I'm feeling lonely.
And I can't do any of that.
*sigh*
I'm off to try and cook away my feelings of frustration, abandonment, and hatred of the holidays. At least I'll be the size of Montana and depressed when it's all over.