(no subject)
I am so sickly nostalgic today. Today I went to a 2 year olds birthday, who is the son of my girlfriend of ten years. A few of the girls I went to high school with were there with their new babies, and I couldn't help but sit back and observe the changes life brings that really sneak up while you're busy making other plans (Lennon). I felt really happy for my friend, proud to be her friend, her unconventional path of life and all the things she's accomplished to become the strong woman she is.
I'm enveloped in the memories of four years ago, an era of my life prior to college that brings me both serious happiness and underlying sadness for all the unnecessary pressure I voluntarily hid beneath. I feel as though life happens in big chunky phases, and in every phase, there is a current or distant issue to be examined and over-analyzed. And once the phase dissolves, retrospective analysis seems so fresh and easy. and damn it for thoughts being so fluid when you don't need them to be.
Coincidentally I'm thinking about senior year of high school as I'm in my senior year of college. The difference in environment is certainly stark, high school was entirely more emotional and associated with farewells and detachment of familiarity, whereas college is just a really interesting portion of my existence that I can't quite put into words. I really don't know what I've been doing for the past 4 years but fucking up and getting fucked. There are a few monumental experiences I've had since college began but they aren't related to any one place, rather they hover above a timeline that doesn't have a clear location. What I mean is that I've never had a second place, a discovered homeland that comes with moving away to school. I've gone away on hopeful sprees to new places but always ended up back on Flynn Ave, back to the same deep inadequacies that live in these walls, the trusty dysfunction that stems from loving my mother in the darkest, most desperate way a person can ever love someone.
I just really miss, or at least would like to remember how good it felt to be allowed to be unaware, and to experiment, and to dip into alternate waters for a chance to find something. drugs, groups, music, jobs, these aspects of life were interchangeable and it was acceptable to piss through them. I feel as though every year of my life is a step toward a necessary establishment. I'm frowned at when I don't have a defined rationale for why I'm getting this particular degree. I catch myself judging others more and more and actively have to slap and remind myself of how wrong it is. But maybe that is the common thread throughout life, and as you grow older you just learn to the art of bullshitted confidence. Another phase I suppose.
I don't know that I'd want to figure myself out. Much of everyone's life I think revolves around trying to understand what we are made of, what we can be, why we function. But if I had the chance to be told by some spiritual being exactly what it all means I think I'd decline. I think the point of the hurt, the smile and the unappreciated sunrise is this innate chase to find our purpose.
All in all,this entry is nothing. I miss Nick a lot.
I'm enveloped in the memories of four years ago, an era of my life prior to college that brings me both serious happiness and underlying sadness for all the unnecessary pressure I voluntarily hid beneath. I feel as though life happens in big chunky phases, and in every phase, there is a current or distant issue to be examined and over-analyzed. And once the phase dissolves, retrospective analysis seems so fresh and easy. and damn it for thoughts being so fluid when you don't need them to be.
Coincidentally I'm thinking about senior year of high school as I'm in my senior year of college. The difference in environment is certainly stark, high school was entirely more emotional and associated with farewells and detachment of familiarity, whereas college is just a really interesting portion of my existence that I can't quite put into words. I really don't know what I've been doing for the past 4 years but fucking up and getting fucked. There are a few monumental experiences I've had since college began but they aren't related to any one place, rather they hover above a timeline that doesn't have a clear location. What I mean is that I've never had a second place, a discovered homeland that comes with moving away to school. I've gone away on hopeful sprees to new places but always ended up back on Flynn Ave, back to the same deep inadequacies that live in these walls, the trusty dysfunction that stems from loving my mother in the darkest, most desperate way a person can ever love someone.
I just really miss, or at least would like to remember how good it felt to be allowed to be unaware, and to experiment, and to dip into alternate waters for a chance to find something. drugs, groups, music, jobs, these aspects of life were interchangeable and it was acceptable to piss through them. I feel as though every year of my life is a step toward a necessary establishment. I'm frowned at when I don't have a defined rationale for why I'm getting this particular degree. I catch myself judging others more and more and actively have to slap and remind myself of how wrong it is. But maybe that is the common thread throughout life, and as you grow older you just learn to the art of bullshitted confidence. Another phase I suppose.
I don't know that I'd want to figure myself out. Much of everyone's life I think revolves around trying to understand what we are made of, what we can be, why we function. But if I had the chance to be told by some spiritual being exactly what it all means I think I'd decline. I think the point of the hurt, the smile and the unappreciated sunrise is this innate chase to find our purpose.
All in all,this entry is nothing. I miss Nick a lot.