How am I?
Well I've decided to take a bit of time whilst both of my kidlets are passed out to sit and reflect on myself and why I can seem to get past this rut that I am in now. I think reading another post this morning spurred me to really sit down and confront what it is deep down that is keeping me where I am.
I mean really a grown person should be able to at least keep up with cleaninga 700 sq foot house....especially after others come in to help her do it.
Why can't I look at a room and see what needs to be done...Why when a room is full of stuff can't I just pick one thing up? I was beginning to feel that I was lazy and that was why but I'm not sure that's it.
I think I've come to the realization that I'm having panic attacks and instead of freaking out (most of the time now) ;) I am just totally shutting down and freezing up because my brain for some reason can't deal with it all.
It happened to me again today...and I just said to myself...this is not a big deal and added a little flylady 15 minutes in there and I took my first steps in several months to dealing with myself. I actually threw stuff out and put clothes in the washer.
As crazy as it sounds I felt at tiimes as if I was on the edge of having a heart attack...but I worked through it... Now my house is still incredibly trashed and to the untrained eye it may not look like I did anything today. I know I should probably do more...there I go again guilting myself back into my panic attack shell....
anyway.... I think I will try to do this everyday... confront those attacks and write about it here...mostly so I can remember and remind myself that I am not lazy...that I am really trying to make myself better... I can blame genes that give me depression... I can blame a less than ideal childhood situation...but that won't help me now... I need to fix myself so that I don't mess up my kids *sigh*
Wish me luck! :)
I mean really a grown person should be able to at least keep up with cleaninga 700 sq foot house....especially after others come in to help her do it.
Why can't I look at a room and see what needs to be done...Why when a room is full of stuff can't I just pick one thing up? I was beginning to feel that I was lazy and that was why but I'm not sure that's it.
I think I've come to the realization that I'm having panic attacks and instead of freaking out (most of the time now) ;) I am just totally shutting down and freezing up because my brain for some reason can't deal with it all.
It happened to me again today...and I just said to myself...this is not a big deal and added a little flylady 15 minutes in there and I took my first steps in several months to dealing with myself. I actually threw stuff out and put clothes in the washer.
As crazy as it sounds I felt at tiimes as if I was on the edge of having a heart attack...but I worked through it... Now my house is still incredibly trashed and to the untrained eye it may not look like I did anything today. I know I should probably do more...there I go again guilting myself back into my panic attack shell....
anyway.... I think I will try to do this everyday... confront those attacks and write about it here...mostly so I can remember and remind myself that I am not lazy...that I am really trying to make myself better... I can blame genes that give me depression... I can blame a less than ideal childhood situation...but that won't help me now... I need to fix myself so that I don't mess up my kids *sigh*
Wish me luck! :)