Charlize, you're on notice.
And now, I’m pleased to present:
The Second Annual Running Commentary to the Academy Awards!
7:53:
Billy Bush: Can you give us a prediction about tonight’s show?
Producer: It’s gonna be a great show, a great show.
Alaina: That’s… a horrible prediction.
8:02: Okay, where’s Jon Stewart?
------ On… on Brokeback Mountain!? With Billy Crystal and… what?
8:05: Hottest Opening Film EVAR. George Clooney and Jon Stewart? In bed together? That’s Fantasy Gold right there.
8:06: First Death to Smoochy reference.
8:10: Yes! Dick Cheney shot Bjork! Excellent!
8:13: “It’s All About the Gay Cowboys and Pudding” Montage: brilliant. It’s one of the things Jon Stewart’s good at: video montages.
8:20: Oh, so now they’re playing music under the entire speech, not just to cut the winner off? Not cool, Academy. Not cool.
8:26: Ben Stiller - what the hell are you doing? And where’s Owen Wilson? Shouldn’t he be there telling you that you’re making a putz out of yourself?
8:30: Let’s give a big hand to Tony Wonder and his Amazing Green Illusion! Enjoy your Chanukah cookie, man.
8:33: Look! Nick Park has bow ties! Aww… very cool - AND THEY HAVE THEM FOR THE OSCARS, TOO! BRILLIANT! Endless love for Wallace & Gromit and creators!
8:34: What the hell is Naomi Watts wearing? Rags?
8:42: Hey! There’s Owen Wilson! Where were you when Ben Stiller needed… oh man. He’s got a scruff thing going on… and… Luke’s there too! My favorite vampiric sheriff… oh my… Holy…
8:44: Okay I’m back. The Wilson Brothers are truly, Fantasy Gold. Sorry, George and Jon: you’ve been downgraded to Fantasy Silver.
8:47: Oh, the poor Wilson Brothers. They drew the short stick this year and are forced to present with animated characters.
------ Okay, the Chicken Little “no pants” thing was cute. Well done, Joan Cusak.
8:48: Wow, Jennifer Aniston’s there? Good for her!
8:57: Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell? This is gonna be GOOD. Wait, what’s with their faces? Oh. Makeup. I get it.
------ These guys kill me. Comedy Fantasy Gold.
9:01: Poor Jon Stewart. He is trying so hard, but he’s out of his element or something. I want to hug him and make him feel better.
9:02: Wow. Rachel McAdams must really need to work on her line readings when she acts, because that whole segment sucked.
9:04: Ahh! Norma Desmond reference! I’m scared. Hold me, Jon Stewart.
9:10: (Commercial) They still make TAB?
9:13: What? No applause for Lauren Bacall managing to read the teleprompter of doom?
9:16: Ahh! Sunset Boulevard shot! I’m scared. Hold me, Jon Stewart.
9:21: Hee! The woman just thanked the Academy for seating her next to George Clooney at the Nominee Luncheon. Oh, and Clooney’s reaction was priceless! I love you, George.
9:22: Charlize Theron! Did you come to the Oscars in character as Rita from Arrested Development? What the hell are you wearing? Is that a monkey on your shoulder?
9:23: The March of the Penguins people have STUFFED PENGUINS!
------ Hey, don’t forget to shine a light on Morgan Freeman.
9:24: “A talented and beautiful actress and singer”? J. Lo? Well, that announcer just lied through his teeth.
9:26: Check out the special effects for that performance. They even sprang for body doubles for Thandie Newton and Sandra Bullock.
9:30: Oh great, the Godzilla giving birth to a Hummer commercial again. Didn’t get enough of that during the Super Bowl… thanks for scarring me again, Humvee.
9:41: I was promised a surprise by the Oscar Announcer Guy! Where’s my surprise? Because the President of the Academy is NOT a surprise!
9:42: Ooohhh, I see what he did there - state of the “art,” state of the “heart” - you’re not as clever as you think you are, Mr. President.
9:44: Again, I want Salma Hayek’s dress! She looks stunning! I want!
9:46: Itzak Perlman’s the surprise? WEAK. I expect a bigger surprise next year, Academy.
9:58: I don’t know if I’d call Mary Poppins an “epic”…
------ It ain’t an Academy Awards Presentation until there’s a clip of Titanic.
10:06: I’d like to present the Slow Clap to Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin. Brava, ladies.
10:10: See, my feeling on the Honorary Oscar Award is that it’s a pity gift - like, the Academy realized that Robert Altman had never won, and said, “Whoops, our bad, here, have one before you die on us, and good luck in the future, 80-year-old.”
10:13: Seriously, Charlize, I am going to rip that thing off your shoulder in five minutes.
10:27: Jennifer Garner almost died! And here I was going to comment on how she’s rockin’ the Mommy Boobs and has been elevated to presenting the Sound Editing Award (up from supervising the Technical Awards and presenting with Animated Characters), but then she totally ruined her kick-ass spy-girl cred by tripping on her shoes.
10:30: DEATH REEL!
10:32: Aww, I forgot that John Fiedler died. Rest in Peace, Piglet. Oh, and thank you for not using a clip from Dallas for Barbara Bel Geddes.
10:33: And here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson.
10:40: “Martin Scorsese, zero Oscars. 3-6 Mafia, one Oscar.” My hero, Jon Stewart.
10:44: Hilary Swank has chosen a good dress! It must have been Chad Lowe’s fault in the past that she looked horrible.
10:50: John Travolta? He’s not dead?
11:10: Hahaha! Larry McMurtry’s wearing jeans! Is Joan Rivers aware of that?
11:15: NOT COOL, OSCARS, NOT COOL. There are two screenwriters for Crash, not one! I think Charlize Theron’s expression of disgust says it all. And believe me, it’s hard to tell what Charlize’s face looks like with that HUGE PURPLE THING ON HER SHOULDER.
11:19: Please tell me that Tom Hanks has lost the Robert Langdon hair… yes! Yes! He’s cut - no, no. No. He hasn’t. It’s just slicked back. Damn you, Tom Hanks!
11:22: Finally! Jack Nicholson - the Bono of movie stars, if you will - makes an appearance out of the front row.
11:23: Oh, Jack! You should host!
11:23:25: Steven Speilberg’s not even trying to care at this point--- WHAT THE FUCK?!
CRASH?! NOT BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN!?
*Alaina sits in open-mouthed shock for thirty seconds*
SERIOUSLY?! NOT COOL, ACADEMY. NOT. COOL.
Okay, wait. “Love, tolerance and truth”? That’s BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN’S message, you idiots!
Total predictions correct: 13 out of 24. Not too shabby.
Total references to Death to Smoochy: 1.
Total surprises that brought rage and inarticulation to Alaina’s mouth: 1.
Total more Oscars that hip-hop artists have over Martin Scorsese: 2.
Probability that Jon Stewart will return to host a future Oscars telecast: 10%
The Second Annual Running Commentary to the Academy Awards!
7:53:
Billy Bush: Can you give us a prediction about tonight’s show?
Producer: It’s gonna be a great show, a great show.
Alaina: That’s… a horrible prediction.
8:02: Okay, where’s Jon Stewart?
------ On… on Brokeback Mountain!? With Billy Crystal and… what?
8:05: Hottest Opening Film EVAR. George Clooney and Jon Stewart? In bed together? That’s Fantasy Gold right there.
8:06: First Death to Smoochy reference.
8:10: Yes! Dick Cheney shot Bjork! Excellent!
8:13: “It’s All About the Gay Cowboys and Pudding” Montage: brilliant. It’s one of the things Jon Stewart’s good at: video montages.
8:20: Oh, so now they’re playing music under the entire speech, not just to cut the winner off? Not cool, Academy. Not cool.
8:26: Ben Stiller - what the hell are you doing? And where’s Owen Wilson? Shouldn’t he be there telling you that you’re making a putz out of yourself?
8:30: Let’s give a big hand to Tony Wonder and his Amazing Green Illusion! Enjoy your Chanukah cookie, man.
8:33: Look! Nick Park has bow ties! Aww… very cool - AND THEY HAVE THEM FOR THE OSCARS, TOO! BRILLIANT! Endless love for Wallace & Gromit and creators!
8:34: What the hell is Naomi Watts wearing? Rags?
8:42: Hey! There’s Owen Wilson! Where were you when Ben Stiller needed… oh man. He’s got a scruff thing going on… and… Luke’s there too! My favorite vampiric sheriff… oh my… Holy…
8:44: Okay I’m back. The Wilson Brothers are truly, Fantasy Gold. Sorry, George and Jon: you’ve been downgraded to Fantasy Silver.
8:47: Oh, the poor Wilson Brothers. They drew the short stick this year and are forced to present with animated characters.
------ Okay, the Chicken Little “no pants” thing was cute. Well done, Joan Cusak.
8:48: Wow, Jennifer Aniston’s there? Good for her!
8:57: Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell? This is gonna be GOOD. Wait, what’s with their faces? Oh. Makeup. I get it.
------ These guys kill me. Comedy Fantasy Gold.
9:01: Poor Jon Stewart. He is trying so hard, but he’s out of his element or something. I want to hug him and make him feel better.
9:02: Wow. Rachel McAdams must really need to work on her line readings when she acts, because that whole segment sucked.
9:04: Ahh! Norma Desmond reference! I’m scared. Hold me, Jon Stewart.
9:10: (Commercial) They still make TAB?
9:13: What? No applause for Lauren Bacall managing to read the teleprompter of doom?
9:16: Ahh! Sunset Boulevard shot! I’m scared. Hold me, Jon Stewart.
9:21: Hee! The woman just thanked the Academy for seating her next to George Clooney at the Nominee Luncheon. Oh, and Clooney’s reaction was priceless! I love you, George.
9:22: Charlize Theron! Did you come to the Oscars in character as Rita from Arrested Development? What the hell are you wearing? Is that a monkey on your shoulder?
9:23: The March of the Penguins people have STUFFED PENGUINS!
------ Hey, don’t forget to shine a light on Morgan Freeman.
9:24: “A talented and beautiful actress and singer”? J. Lo? Well, that announcer just lied through his teeth.
9:26: Check out the special effects for that performance. They even sprang for body doubles for Thandie Newton and Sandra Bullock.
9:30: Oh great, the Godzilla giving birth to a Hummer commercial again. Didn’t get enough of that during the Super Bowl… thanks for scarring me again, Humvee.
9:41: I was promised a surprise by the Oscar Announcer Guy! Where’s my surprise? Because the President of the Academy is NOT a surprise!
9:42: Ooohhh, I see what he did there - state of the “art,” state of the “heart” - you’re not as clever as you think you are, Mr. President.
9:44: Again, I want Salma Hayek’s dress! She looks stunning! I want!
9:46: Itzak Perlman’s the surprise? WEAK. I expect a bigger surprise next year, Academy.
9:58: I don’t know if I’d call Mary Poppins an “epic”…
------ It ain’t an Academy Awards Presentation until there’s a clip of Titanic.
10:06: I’d like to present the Slow Clap to Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin. Brava, ladies.
10:10: See, my feeling on the Honorary Oscar Award is that it’s a pity gift - like, the Academy realized that Robert Altman had never won, and said, “Whoops, our bad, here, have one before you die on us, and good luck in the future, 80-year-old.”
10:13: Seriously, Charlize, I am going to rip that thing off your shoulder in five minutes.
10:27: Jennifer Garner almost died! And here I was going to comment on how she’s rockin’ the Mommy Boobs and has been elevated to presenting the Sound Editing Award (up from supervising the Technical Awards and presenting with Animated Characters), but then she totally ruined her kick-ass spy-girl cred by tripping on her shoes.
10:30: DEATH REEL!
10:32: Aww, I forgot that John Fiedler died. Rest in Peace, Piglet. Oh, and thank you for not using a clip from Dallas for Barbara Bel Geddes.
10:33: And here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson.
10:40: “Martin Scorsese, zero Oscars. 3-6 Mafia, one Oscar.” My hero, Jon Stewart.
10:44: Hilary Swank has chosen a good dress! It must have been Chad Lowe’s fault in the past that she looked horrible.
10:50: John Travolta? He’s not dead?
11:10: Hahaha! Larry McMurtry’s wearing jeans! Is Joan Rivers aware of that?
11:15: NOT COOL, OSCARS, NOT COOL. There are two screenwriters for Crash, not one! I think Charlize Theron’s expression of disgust says it all. And believe me, it’s hard to tell what Charlize’s face looks like with that HUGE PURPLE THING ON HER SHOULDER.
11:19: Please tell me that Tom Hanks has lost the Robert Langdon hair… yes! Yes! He’s cut - no, no. No. He hasn’t. It’s just slicked back. Damn you, Tom Hanks!
11:22: Finally! Jack Nicholson - the Bono of movie stars, if you will - makes an appearance out of the front row.
11:23: Oh, Jack! You should host!
11:23:25: Steven Speilberg’s not even trying to care at this point--- WHAT THE FUCK?!
CRASH?! NOT BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN!?
*Alaina sits in open-mouthed shock for thirty seconds*
SERIOUSLY?! NOT COOL, ACADEMY. NOT. COOL.
Okay, wait. “Love, tolerance and truth”? That’s BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN’S message, you idiots!
Total predictions correct: 13 out of 24. Not too shabby.
Total references to Death to Smoochy: 1.
Total surprises that brought rage and inarticulation to Alaina’s mouth: 1.
Total more Oscars that hip-hop artists have over Martin Scorsese: 2.
Probability that Jon Stewart will return to host a future Oscars telecast: 10%