and now someone else is gettin' all your best
It strikes me that, in order to completely explain my levels of anger and frustration I experienced today (Terror Level: Fuschia), I need to begin a couple of weeks ago, and explain the fundraiser on which I so mercilessly cut my thumb.
So there are all these jars, and someone -- some brave soul with a jigsaw, no doubt -- cut holes in the lids after my ... er, incident. Now, these jars are those large restaurant-sauce containers (dutifully cleaned and sanitized, have no fear), and each jar has a manager's picture on it. And the intent is that, for the next three weeks, the rep 'votes with their wallet' with their spare change for a manager of their choice. And the manager that rakes in the most dough will receive as their prize ... a pie in the face. In front of the whole store.
Come on, how awesome is that?! I wish that I had come up with it. (I didn't.)
So today, Deanna and I gather up the jars and start counting.
I am in last fucking place.
I have earned all of $.69. SIXTY-NINE FUCKING CENTS.
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.
I don't -- I mean -- I HAVE LITERALLY SPILT BLOOD OVER THIS FUNDRAISER. Sixty-nine fucking cents?! I can't even! Do these people not understand my true and undying commitment to physical comedy? Almost above anything else? And also, on top of that, I really like pie! Pies + Faces = Good!
And really, the point is that all of the money raised is going directly to the local United Way division, which is good.
But in the end, IT'S ALL ABOUT ME. WHY AM I NOT WINNING.
So tomorrow, I'm going to go in and -- HOLY GOD PEAR VODKA! (had a bad day on top of the coming in last place, and my shopping list consisted of: "pasta. milk. yogurt. oh so much vodka." that is a direct quote) -- give an amalgam of two different speeches: Fozzie's inspirational speech from The Great Muppet Caper, and one line that Buster says at the end of "Beef Consomme" on Arrested Development, regarding being punched in the face.
Ahem:
"SHAME ON YOU. I thought we were all helping out the United Way together. I'm just as poor as you are, but this has to be done! I mean -- we don't want the WOMEN'S DEPARTMENT to win! We've gotta do this! For -- for justice. For freedom! For comedy! Now will SOMEONE have the DECENCY to throw a pie in my face!"
Because, seriously: they won't let me wear stilettos as a fundraiser, and people love me, and I love pie and comedy and it's for a good cause! I HAVE HAD AN AMBULANCE CALLED FOR ME OVER THIS. WHY AM I NOT WINNING.
(the other reason for the oh-so-much vodka: 5 hours of leader-on-duty + the schedule needs to be done + a theoretical 8-hr day = BADNESS.)
So there are all these jars, and someone -- some brave soul with a jigsaw, no doubt -- cut holes in the lids after my ... er, incident. Now, these jars are those large restaurant-sauce containers (dutifully cleaned and sanitized, have no fear), and each jar has a manager's picture on it. And the intent is that, for the next three weeks, the rep 'votes with their wallet' with their spare change for a manager of their choice. And the manager that rakes in the most dough will receive as their prize ... a pie in the face. In front of the whole store.
Come on, how awesome is that?! I wish that I had come up with it. (I didn't.)
So today, Deanna and I gather up the jars and start counting.
I am in last fucking place.
I have earned all of $.69. SIXTY-NINE FUCKING CENTS.
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.
I don't -- I mean -- I HAVE LITERALLY SPILT BLOOD OVER THIS FUNDRAISER. Sixty-nine fucking cents?! I can't even! Do these people not understand my true and undying commitment to physical comedy? Almost above anything else? And also, on top of that, I really like pie! Pies + Faces = Good!
And really, the point is that all of the money raised is going directly to the local United Way division, which is good.
But in the end, IT'S ALL ABOUT ME. WHY AM I NOT WINNING.
So tomorrow, I'm going to go in and -- HOLY GOD PEAR VODKA! (had a bad day on top of the coming in last place, and my shopping list consisted of: "pasta. milk. yogurt. oh so much vodka." that is a direct quote) -- give an amalgam of two different speeches: Fozzie's inspirational speech from The Great Muppet Caper, and one line that Buster says at the end of "Beef Consomme" on Arrested Development, regarding being punched in the face.
Ahem:
"SHAME ON YOU. I thought we were all helping out the United Way together. I'm just as poor as you are, but this has to be done! I mean -- we don't want the WOMEN'S DEPARTMENT to win! We've gotta do this! For -- for justice. For freedom! For comedy! Now will SOMEONE have the DECENCY to throw a pie in my face!"
Because, seriously: they won't let me wear stilettos as a fundraiser, and people love me, and I love pie and comedy and it's for a good cause! I HAVE HAD AN AMBULANCE CALLED FOR ME OVER THIS. WHY AM I NOT WINNING.
(the other reason for the oh-so-much vodka: 5 hours of leader-on-duty + the schedule needs to be done + a theoretical 8-hr day = BADNESS.)