no more gasping for breath
Proudly Presenting: Alaina's Sixth Annual Running Commentary to the 82nd Academy Awards
8:01 - Dudes. When you say you're going to stir things up and ask us to tune in right at 8:00, I am expecting actual Oscars, not more of this Red Carpet Crap. So screw you guys, I'm watching The Soup Awards.
8:07 - If I haven't mentioned it before, Joel McHale is totally my new Pretend Boyfriend.
8:15 - Okay, I switched back for a second (there's a commercial). Sarah Jessica Parker. What. The FUCK. Are you wearing? You have no shape, it's too long, the color is heinous, you're being choked by your cape thing? Have you never watched The Incredibles? Obviously Edna Mode did not design that because the first rule of any type of formalwear is NO CAPES. But more importantly, why does your hair look as if you're paying homage to Princess Leia from Return of the Jedi?
8:16 - Meanwhile, Cameron Diaz looks gorgeous.
8:30 - Okay, here we go. Don't fuck with me, people.
-- What the fuck is this? You're introducing these people we've seen for three months? Dudes, where are the songs and the dances? THERE HAD BETTER BE AN ELIMINATION ROUND WITH THIS LINE UP.
8:31 - Is J.Lo sitting next to Robin Williams? Awkward!
8:32 - NEIL PATRICK HARRIS. NAME-DROPPING HAROLD AND KUMAR. I'M SORRY I SWORE. I TAKE IT BACK. I forgive everyone because NEIL PATRICK HARRIS SANG THE OPENING NUMBER.
8:35 - I was just going to ask which one of you was going to be the Lou Abbott. Well done, Steve.
8:36 - Wait, I have to pause this for a second. Dear Alec Baldwin: by claiming that Christopher Plummer got nominated for The Last Station because the Best Picture race was opened up to 10 nominees, therefore giving more attention to smaller films is faulty logic. The Last Station wasn't nominated for Best Picture!
8:39 - Yeah, Gabourey Sidibe, I made the same face at that Precious video game joke. Who wrote this shit?
8:42 - Kathryn Bigelow just wants everyone to shut the fuck up about James Cameron.
--- George Clooney doesn't really look happy to be there. Right now, I'm kind of with him.
8:45 - Why is George Clooney so pissed off?!
8:46 - Best Supporting Actor. And I and the entire Hollywood Industry are right!
8:50 - Harvey Weinstein looks stoned right now.
8:51 - Very nicely put, Mr. Waltz.
8:53 - Jeepers, even the trailer for The Blind Side is making me tear up. Thank goodness I didn't see that in the theater.
8:56 - JIMMY'S FUCKING BEN AFFLECK. AND THE AFFLECKS HAVE THE CLAPPER. I LOVE IT. Why do I love the commercials more than the Oscars, Oscar people?
8:59 - DUG! I love that damn dog.
9:00 - Best Animated Feature goes to Up. Of course it does. And though I didn't post it to my previous entry, I am now two for two.
9:04 - "The Weary Kind" is going to win Best Song. I'm calling it. And if I haven't said it before, I'm going to say it now - Colin Farrell really looks like this guy I went to high school with. It's kinda creepy.
9:05 - I win! "The Weary Kind" for Best Song. Three for three! And I'm sorry, I never expected T-Bone Burnett to look like that. Weird.
9:06 - Chris Pine, you lie. District 9 SUUUUUUUUUCKED. Your pretty blue eyes won't fix that.
9:08 - Look! The Incredibles is on ABC Family! Edna Mode, what do you have to say about these crazy fashions?
9:13 - This has been a five-minute commercial break, and I've totally wasted it by checking Facebook. ~PAUSE~ god bless Jeremy the TiVo
9:16 - And on the way back from the bathroom, I realized that I've never drank while watching the Oscars - I have always been sober. THAT NEEDS TO CHANGE. Thank you, Brad, for leaving your Red Stripes in my fridge all that time ago. ("They're still good! Red Stripes are always good!")
9:18 - This makes the third straight year that Tina Fey has presented the writing awards. What, other smart people can't write? (Never mind, don't answer that.) In other news, ROBERT DOWNEY JR., WHAT IS THAT TIE. IT IS DISTRACTING AND AWESOME. I HEART YOU. Be my Pretend Boyfriend? Yes? Okay.
9:21 - Original Screenplay will be Hurt Locker. GUESSING.
9:23 - The winner is: The Hurt Locker. Damn, I am on a roll! AND I DIDN'T SEE HARDLY ANY OF THESE MOVIES.
9:24 - I just glimpsed really quickly, because the dude was talking, but was that Jane Seymour sitting next to Jason Bateman? YES, yes it FUCKING WAS. Who did the seating arrangements for this?!
9:25 - "Please welcome Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick." OH NO - TRIBUTE TO JOHN HUGHES. I'm going to cry.
9:30 - Okay, here come the tears. Dudes, what are they going to do when the Death Reel starts? Also, this is going to be the longest freaking movie ever.
9:32 - WAIT. HOLD IT. GO BACK. Samuel L Jackson states that Up is "one of only two films in Oscar history to be nominated for Best Animated Feature Film and Best Picture." Do people not fact-check before going live with the script? Yes, Up is the second animated film to be nominated for Best Picture, but Beauty and the Beast - the first - could not have been nominated for Best Animated Film because the category wasn't formed until 2002. MORONS.
9:37 - That's just mean, that they make the girls in the very big skirts and the very tall heels walk down the M.C. Escher stairs in the background.
9:42 - And that's an unfortunate shot of Meryl Streep checking to make sure her double-sided tape is still working. Dudes, show some respect.
9:44 - Seriously, I'm fast-forwarding through these. Animated Short, Short Documentary, Short People, I just … beyond caring.
9:45 - Yup, just keep - WHAT THE FUCK. PLEASE TELL ME THAT'S BEN STILLER AS AN AVATAR. Hell YEAH IT IS. Pardon me while I laugh like a complete and utter asshole at his face. OH MY GOD HIS FAAAACE. And the taaaaaillll…
9:47 - I can't … I can't stop laughing, you guys. My stomach hurts from laughing. The picture is still paused, and now all I can think of is "BLUE STEEL." CAN'T. STOP. LAUGHING.
9:48 - I have just laughed for three minutes straight. And I haven’t even heard him talk yet. Ben Stiller? Marry me.
9:50 - No, Ben Stiller - it was an awesome idea. This is the happiest I've been since NPH stole the show an hour and a half ago.
9:51 - I can't believe I just spent so long on that. But dudes, that was totally worth it.
9:53 - Yeah Star Trek! Congrats on your win for Best Makeup. Excuse me while I fast-forward through your speech.
9:56 - Best Adapted Screenplay: I'm calling it for Up in the Air.
9:58 - And I was wrong. All right Precious. I am totally okay with that winning - as long as I don’t have to watch it.
10:00 - Oh, Steve Martin, you did not just mention Bringing Down the House, did you? That was one of the WORST MOVIES I've ever seen. Missy the Kid and I seriously considered asking for our money back. Queen Latifah, however, looks fantastic.
10:03 - Lauren Bacall is one saucy dame, and I want to be just like her when I grow up.
10:04 - All right, get moving, we haven't even gotten through the boring awards yet!
-- And here comes Robin Williams with ball jokes. God bless that man.
10:05 - Who won Best Supporting Actor last year? *looks back* Oh, right. Yeah, dead people can't present. Sorry Heath.
10:09 - Thank God. She threw a baby, dudes! She just threw out the Hattie McDaniel card.
10:12 - I also want to be Sigourney Weaver when I grow up. That woman looks FANTASTIC.
10:13 - You know, it's been almost two hours, and I haven't seen Daniel Craig yet. I'm not sure he's even supposed to be here tonight, but if he's not, he better have a damn good naked reason.
-- SHUT UP, AVATAR.
10:15 - Ha ha, "clothes-whores." Oh you two hosts that try so hard to be funny. And apparently, the role of "Tom Ford dressed Daniel Craig" is being played by Tom Ford. DAMN YOU, TOM FORD!!
10:16 - Sarah Jessica Parker. That dress STILL SUCKS.
10:18 - Oh good, the Corset Award still stands.
-- WHY ARE THEY HAVING CHARLIZE THERON present Precious?
10:22 - In thirty seconds, Kristen Stewart bit her lip four times.
10:28 - Okay. First off, I'm not sure I'd count Psycho or Silence of the Lambs as Horror movies. And I know for a fact that Young Frankenstein is NOT Horror. Who wrote this?!
-- Yay Hurt Locker beat Avatar! Keep it up, Hurt Locker!
10:29 - That woman who's listening to the Sound Editing person must be his wife. She's either crying because that's awesome, or someone's sticking a knife in her back telling her to keep quiet.
10:30 - Okay, the American Ales have gone bad. Back to the Red Stripes!
10:31 - John Travolta? He's not dead?
10:36 - Sorry, I stopped for a second to show Amelia the NPH moment. Who's this dude?
10:37 - OH GOD DEATH REEL. And WHO ORDERED JAMES TAYLOR. Thank you, Mute Button.
10:46 - I don't remember breakdancing in Sherlock Holmes. And I saw that movie three times.
10:48 - Oh man, this dude is being the bomb in Hurt Locker. In dance. Dear Christ on a stick.
10:50 - And now people are doing the robot. THERE WERE NO ROBOTS IN UP.
10:51 - Amelia: "Please let that kid spew all over when he gets up from breakdancing on his head."
Me: "That's a metaphor for how I feel about Avatar."
10:52 - I'm with you, George Clooney. I'm with you. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.
10:53 - YAY MICHAEL GIACCHINO! He got his first Oscar!! I HAVE LOVED YOU SINCE ALIAS. I am so happy right now!
10:57 - Jason Bateman!! How do I love Jason Bateman? I think we all know how much I love the Bateman.
11:04 - Either I'm getting older, or these Oscars are uberboring now. I just want to fast-forward, but I used those up during the documentary short subjects.
11:08 - I am so happy that Hurt Locker keeps beating Avatar. It's fantastic. I feel vindicated that those two and a half hours I wasted will be paid back in James Cameron not being king of the world this time.
11:10 - "Special Guests"? Guys, we've been down this track before. Unless that special guest is Daniel Craig or Joel McHale (or both please), you can't match my expectations. I've already seen NPH.
11:14 - Okay, so we finally have an American present Best Foreign Film, and it's fuckin' Quentin Tarantino? And we have to have Pedro Almodovar up there? Isn't he nominated for something? DUDES. ONE DAY STEPHEN COLBERT WILL PRESENT THIS AWARD, and everyone will thank me.
11:20 - I AM SO BORED RIGHT NOW YOU GUYS YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.
11:24 - Finally. An award I care about.
-- Oh no. They're doing the stupid thing where people talk about the nominees. WE DON'T CARE. Just award the damn award, for cripes's sake.
11:33 - Guess all those chest shots were worth it. Congratulations, Jeff Bridges. You deserve it.
11:41 - Oh God, I am going to bawl when Oprah talks to Gabourey Sidibe. BAWL.
11:43 - I also want to be like Helen Mirren when I grow up.
11:45 - Yup. Bawling. Tears. Running down my face. Fucking Oprah.
11:48 - I think Sean Penn's wearing the same suit he wore when he won last year.
11:53 - Damn you, Sandra Bullock. Between you and Oprah, I'm going to have to have a good long cry before I can go to sleep.
11:55 - Come on, Kathryn Bigelow. Make history.
-- Okay, now I really am crying. FUCK.
12:00 - Congratulations, Hurt Locker, and Kathryn Bigelow, and thank God Avatar didn't win. I'm going to go to bed now.
Okay, wait. I thought I was done, but I'm not. Yeah, we (and by 'we,' I mean 'Hollywood Elite') made history tonight - it's only taken 82 years, but a woman has finally won Best Director. According to Wikipedia (and you know how accurate that is), a comedy hasn't won Best Picture since 1998. That comedy was Shakespeare in Love, for those of you keeping track, and I don't know about you, but I don't consider that a comedy. I also don't count Juno, Little Miss Sunshine, or Sideways as comedies, as they are all kinda dark and angsty. The last 'comedy' I consider to actually be a comedy that was nominated for Best Picture was 1997's The Full Monty.
So here's where I make a stand. There were ten nominees for Best Picture, and only Up was a comedy. And that was freaking sad! I've said it before, I'm saying it here now, and I will continue to protest: WHERE WAS THE HANGOVER.
In 2011, I want to see an honest-to-goodness comedy. I want cursing, and sex jokes, and hilarious situations. I don't want no depressing angsty shit about people losing their jobs or fucking weird blue people. I want drunk people in Vegas stealing tigers (or this year's equivalent).
The time for humor is NOW. And NOW is our chance.
8:01 - Dudes. When you say you're going to stir things up and ask us to tune in right at 8:00, I am expecting actual Oscars, not more of this Red Carpet Crap. So screw you guys, I'm watching The Soup Awards.
8:07 - If I haven't mentioned it before, Joel McHale is totally my new Pretend Boyfriend.
8:15 - Okay, I switched back for a second (there's a commercial). Sarah Jessica Parker. What. The FUCK. Are you wearing? You have no shape, it's too long, the color is heinous, you're being choked by your cape thing? Have you never watched The Incredibles? Obviously Edna Mode did not design that because the first rule of any type of formalwear is NO CAPES. But more importantly, why does your hair look as if you're paying homage to Princess Leia from Return of the Jedi?
8:16 - Meanwhile, Cameron Diaz looks gorgeous.
8:30 - Okay, here we go. Don't fuck with me, people.
-- What the fuck is this? You're introducing these people we've seen for three months? Dudes, where are the songs and the dances? THERE HAD BETTER BE AN ELIMINATION ROUND WITH THIS LINE UP.
8:31 - Is J.Lo sitting next to Robin Williams? Awkward!
8:32 - NEIL PATRICK HARRIS. NAME-DROPPING HAROLD AND KUMAR. I'M SORRY I SWORE. I TAKE IT BACK. I forgive everyone because NEIL PATRICK HARRIS SANG THE OPENING NUMBER.
8:35 - I was just going to ask which one of you was going to be the Lou Abbott. Well done, Steve.
8:36 - Wait, I have to pause this for a second. Dear Alec Baldwin: by claiming that Christopher Plummer got nominated for The Last Station because the Best Picture race was opened up to 10 nominees, therefore giving more attention to smaller films is faulty logic. The Last Station wasn't nominated for Best Picture!
8:39 - Yeah, Gabourey Sidibe, I made the same face at that Precious video game joke. Who wrote this shit?
8:42 - Kathryn Bigelow just wants everyone to shut the fuck up about James Cameron.
--- George Clooney doesn't really look happy to be there. Right now, I'm kind of with him.
8:45 - Why is George Clooney so pissed off?!
8:46 - Best Supporting Actor. And I and the entire Hollywood Industry are right!
8:50 - Harvey Weinstein looks stoned right now.
8:51 - Very nicely put, Mr. Waltz.
8:53 - Jeepers, even the trailer for The Blind Side is making me tear up. Thank goodness I didn't see that in the theater.
8:56 - JIMMY'S FUCKING BEN AFFLECK. AND THE AFFLECKS HAVE THE CLAPPER. I LOVE IT. Why do I love the commercials more than the Oscars, Oscar people?
8:59 - DUG! I love that damn dog.
9:00 - Best Animated Feature goes to Up. Of course it does. And though I didn't post it to my previous entry, I am now two for two.
9:04 - "The Weary Kind" is going to win Best Song. I'm calling it. And if I haven't said it before, I'm going to say it now - Colin Farrell really looks like this guy I went to high school with. It's kinda creepy.
9:05 - I win! "The Weary Kind" for Best Song. Three for three! And I'm sorry, I never expected T-Bone Burnett to look like that. Weird.
9:06 - Chris Pine, you lie. District 9 SUUUUUUUUUCKED. Your pretty blue eyes won't fix that.
9:08 - Look! The Incredibles is on ABC Family! Edna Mode, what do you have to say about these crazy fashions?
9:13 - This has been a five-minute commercial break, and I've totally wasted it by checking Facebook. ~PAUSE~ god bless Jeremy the TiVo
9:16 - And on the way back from the bathroom, I realized that I've never drank while watching the Oscars - I have always been sober. THAT NEEDS TO CHANGE. Thank you, Brad, for leaving your Red Stripes in my fridge all that time ago. ("They're still good! Red Stripes are always good!")
9:18 - This makes the third straight year that Tina Fey has presented the writing awards. What, other smart people can't write? (Never mind, don't answer that.) In other news, ROBERT DOWNEY JR., WHAT IS THAT TIE. IT IS DISTRACTING AND AWESOME. I HEART YOU. Be my Pretend Boyfriend? Yes? Okay.
9:21 - Original Screenplay will be Hurt Locker. GUESSING.
9:23 - The winner is: The Hurt Locker. Damn, I am on a roll! AND I DIDN'T SEE HARDLY ANY OF THESE MOVIES.
9:24 - I just glimpsed really quickly, because the dude was talking, but was that Jane Seymour sitting next to Jason Bateman? YES, yes it FUCKING WAS. Who did the seating arrangements for this?!
9:25 - "Please welcome Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick." OH NO - TRIBUTE TO JOHN HUGHES. I'm going to cry.
9:30 - Okay, here come the tears. Dudes, what are they going to do when the Death Reel starts? Also, this is going to be the longest freaking movie ever.
9:32 - WAIT. HOLD IT. GO BACK. Samuel L Jackson states that Up is "one of only two films in Oscar history to be nominated for Best Animated Feature Film and Best Picture." Do people not fact-check before going live with the script? Yes, Up is the second animated film to be nominated for Best Picture, but Beauty and the Beast - the first - could not have been nominated for Best Animated Film because the category wasn't formed until 2002. MORONS.
9:37 - That's just mean, that they make the girls in the very big skirts and the very tall heels walk down the M.C. Escher stairs in the background.
9:42 - And that's an unfortunate shot of Meryl Streep checking to make sure her double-sided tape is still working. Dudes, show some respect.
9:44 - Seriously, I'm fast-forwarding through these. Animated Short, Short Documentary, Short People, I just … beyond caring.
9:45 - Yup, just keep - WHAT THE FUCK. PLEASE TELL ME THAT'S BEN STILLER AS AN AVATAR. Hell YEAH IT IS. Pardon me while I laugh like a complete and utter asshole at his face. OH MY GOD HIS FAAAACE. And the taaaaaillll…
9:47 - I can't … I can't stop laughing, you guys. My stomach hurts from laughing. The picture is still paused, and now all I can think of is "BLUE STEEL." CAN'T. STOP. LAUGHING.
9:48 - I have just laughed for three minutes straight. And I haven’t even heard him talk yet. Ben Stiller? Marry me.
9:50 - No, Ben Stiller - it was an awesome idea. This is the happiest I've been since NPH stole the show an hour and a half ago.
9:51 - I can't believe I just spent so long on that. But dudes, that was totally worth it.
9:53 - Yeah Star Trek! Congrats on your win for Best Makeup. Excuse me while I fast-forward through your speech.
9:56 - Best Adapted Screenplay: I'm calling it for Up in the Air.
9:58 - And I was wrong. All right Precious. I am totally okay with that winning - as long as I don’t have to watch it.
10:00 - Oh, Steve Martin, you did not just mention Bringing Down the House, did you? That was one of the WORST MOVIES I've ever seen. Missy the Kid and I seriously considered asking for our money back. Queen Latifah, however, looks fantastic.
10:03 - Lauren Bacall is one saucy dame, and I want to be just like her when I grow up.
10:04 - All right, get moving, we haven't even gotten through the boring awards yet!
-- And here comes Robin Williams with ball jokes. God bless that man.
10:05 - Who won Best Supporting Actor last year? *looks back* Oh, right. Yeah, dead people can't present. Sorry Heath.
10:09 - Thank God. She threw a baby, dudes! She just threw out the Hattie McDaniel card.
10:12 - I also want to be Sigourney Weaver when I grow up. That woman looks FANTASTIC.
10:13 - You know, it's been almost two hours, and I haven't seen Daniel Craig yet. I'm not sure he's even supposed to be here tonight, but if he's not, he better have a damn good naked reason.
-- SHUT UP, AVATAR.
10:15 - Ha ha, "clothes-whores." Oh you two hosts that try so hard to be funny. And apparently, the role of "Tom Ford dressed Daniel Craig" is being played by Tom Ford. DAMN YOU, TOM FORD!!
10:16 - Sarah Jessica Parker. That dress STILL SUCKS.
10:18 - Oh good, the Corset Award still stands.
-- WHY ARE THEY HAVING CHARLIZE THERON present Precious?
10:22 - In thirty seconds, Kristen Stewart bit her lip four times.
10:28 - Okay. First off, I'm not sure I'd count Psycho or Silence of the Lambs as Horror movies. And I know for a fact that Young Frankenstein is NOT Horror. Who wrote this?!
-- Yay Hurt Locker beat Avatar! Keep it up, Hurt Locker!
10:29 - That woman who's listening to the Sound Editing person must be his wife. She's either crying because that's awesome, or someone's sticking a knife in her back telling her to keep quiet.
10:30 - Okay, the American Ales have gone bad. Back to the Red Stripes!
10:31 - John Travolta? He's not dead?
10:36 - Sorry, I stopped for a second to show Amelia the NPH moment. Who's this dude?
10:37 - OH GOD DEATH REEL. And WHO ORDERED JAMES TAYLOR. Thank you, Mute Button.
10:46 - I don't remember breakdancing in Sherlock Holmes. And I saw that movie three times.
10:48 - Oh man, this dude is being the bomb in Hurt Locker. In dance. Dear Christ on a stick.
10:50 - And now people are doing the robot. THERE WERE NO ROBOTS IN UP.
10:51 - Amelia: "Please let that kid spew all over when he gets up from breakdancing on his head."
Me: "That's a metaphor for how I feel about Avatar."
10:52 - I'm with you, George Clooney. I'm with you. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.
10:53 - YAY MICHAEL GIACCHINO! He got his first Oscar!! I HAVE LOVED YOU SINCE ALIAS. I am so happy right now!
10:57 - Jason Bateman!! How do I love Jason Bateman? I think we all know how much I love the Bateman.
11:04 - Either I'm getting older, or these Oscars are uberboring now. I just want to fast-forward, but I used those up during the documentary short subjects.
11:08 - I am so happy that Hurt Locker keeps beating Avatar. It's fantastic. I feel vindicated that those two and a half hours I wasted will be paid back in James Cameron not being king of the world this time.
11:10 - "Special Guests"? Guys, we've been down this track before. Unless that special guest is Daniel Craig or Joel McHale (or both please), you can't match my expectations. I've already seen NPH.
11:14 - Okay, so we finally have an American present Best Foreign Film, and it's fuckin' Quentin Tarantino? And we have to have Pedro Almodovar up there? Isn't he nominated for something? DUDES. ONE DAY STEPHEN COLBERT WILL PRESENT THIS AWARD, and everyone will thank me.
11:20 - I AM SO BORED RIGHT NOW YOU GUYS YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.
11:24 - Finally. An award I care about.
-- Oh no. They're doing the stupid thing where people talk about the nominees. WE DON'T CARE. Just award the damn award, for cripes's sake.
11:33 - Guess all those chest shots were worth it. Congratulations, Jeff Bridges. You deserve it.
11:41 - Oh God, I am going to bawl when Oprah talks to Gabourey Sidibe. BAWL.
11:43 - I also want to be like Helen Mirren when I grow up.
11:45 - Yup. Bawling. Tears. Running down my face. Fucking Oprah.
11:48 - I think Sean Penn's wearing the same suit he wore when he won last year.
11:53 - Damn you, Sandra Bullock. Between you and Oprah, I'm going to have to have a good long cry before I can go to sleep.
11:55 - Come on, Kathryn Bigelow. Make history.
-- Okay, now I really am crying. FUCK.
12:00 - Congratulations, Hurt Locker, and Kathryn Bigelow, and thank God Avatar didn't win. I'm going to go to bed now.
Okay, wait. I thought I was done, but I'm not. Yeah, we (and by 'we,' I mean 'Hollywood Elite') made history tonight - it's only taken 82 years, but a woman has finally won Best Director. According to Wikipedia (and you know how accurate that is), a comedy hasn't won Best Picture since 1998. That comedy was Shakespeare in Love, for those of you keeping track, and I don't know about you, but I don't consider that a comedy. I also don't count Juno, Little Miss Sunshine, or Sideways as comedies, as they are all kinda dark and angsty. The last 'comedy' I consider to actually be a comedy that was nominated for Best Picture was 1997's The Full Monty.
So here's where I make a stand. There were ten nominees for Best Picture, and only Up was a comedy. And that was freaking sad! I've said it before, I'm saying it here now, and I will continue to protest: WHERE WAS THE HANGOVER.
In 2011, I want to see an honest-to-goodness comedy. I want cursing, and sex jokes, and hilarious situations. I don't want no depressing angsty shit about people losing their jobs or fucking weird blue people. I want drunk people in Vegas stealing tigers (or this year's equivalent).
The time for humor is NOW. And NOW is our chance.