TV only softens the brain, like a ripe banana.
I finally finished watching Volume Three of Heroes. As usual, I wrote it kind of in real time, but I zoned out about two-thirds of the way through, so while these things are normally disjointed, this particular entry is so disjointed, it's like Sylar broke its legs off at the knees and then broke its wrists.
Or something. Anyway.
Heroes 3.13: Dual
When we last left our intrepid Heroes:
• Hiro and Claire had gone back in time to when NOAH! first got Claire from Sulu. Hiro was still mentally ten years old, until his mother a) gave him back his memories with her MUTANT HEALING POWER and b) made him The Catalyst. Then Arthur Petrelli showed up out of nowhere and dropped him off the edge of The Building after taking his powers, trapping him in the past.
• Claire, meanwhile, got sent back to the present somehow?
• Ando, Parkman, Speed Racer and Surly the Bike Messenger are looking for Hiro. Well, not so much Surly.
• Arthur claims the Catalyst is in himself, allowing him to help SpiderPig create a race of Super Soldiers.
• Sylar killed Arthur after gathering the Human Lie Detector Trait in a scene that is still kinda awesome.
We open with Sylar taking over the narration duties from SpiderPig, which, yes: I can always get behind less SpiderPig. Remember when I wanted to remove SpiderPig’s lilac shirt with my tongue? Those were good times. I miss those times. Stupid SpiderPig.
The downside is that Sylar is talking about God creating the Earth in six days, and trying to create the duality between Good and Evil where our Heroes are concerned, and ... all in all, it’s kind of an okay recap of what happened in the past twelve episodes, but it’s still kind of hokey.
The Petrelli Brothers
Oh, boy. Nathan’s taking over the plan for the Super Soldiers; he's going to carry on his father's legacy, which apparently is his legacy. Whatever. And now Peter’s going to try and kill Nathan again. But, is it Peter again, or Peter for the first time? Damn you, time travel! You ruin everything.
Okay, since when can Peter knock out Nathan with a single punch? When did Peter turn into Superman? Because he’s never been able to do that before. Oh, Peter took the formula again. WHEN? WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN? Because I don't remember him doing at any point in the past two episodes.
Oh, poor Peter. He’s just having fun trashing things now. And THANK YOU, FLYNT, FOR SHUTTING SPIDERPIG UP.
Claire and NOAH!
See, I missed creepy!Sylar. Sylar taunting Mama Petrelli and Claire at Primatech? That was pretty cool. And now he’s playing a game with them, to prove that they’re monsters like him? It’s about damn time. Because Claire is a little monster. She made someone commit suicide!
NOAH!’s giving CLAIRE a SHOTGUN!? Dude, don't be surprised when she accidentally shoots you in the ass.
Wow. Did anyone watch Gargoyles, back in the day of Disney Afternoon? This episode is very Hotel Cabal, if you get that reference.
All right. I took a brief moment to do my taxes (Yay federal refund! Goodbye, [most of my] credit card debt!). When I paused, the phone was mysteriously ringing in Claire and Mama Petrelli’s room. Let me guess: the call is coming from inside the house? Of course it is. Oh, Sylar, you are just taking every single horror movie cliche and using it, aren’t you?
Here’s a question before I get into a rant: did Sylar know that Nathan is Claire’s bio-daddy? He keeps calling NOAH! “daddy” (for Claire, not for him, but dude, that’d be awesome), so I’m assuming he never put those particular pieces together.
And rant. He wants Claire to kill Mama Petrelli. And he makes a good point: is she even worth saving? However, in the list of “Things Mama Petrelli Has Done That Makes Her Evil,” I offer this quote:
Sylar: “She wanted to blow up New York City, murdered her husband … and most importantly, lied to me.”
REALLY? LYING TO YOU IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN BLOWING UP NEW YORK, SYLAR? Jeebus H. Kristoff. And dude, Sylar, given the choice between the grandmother who wanted to lock her up in a cell and her father, I think she’s going to choose NOAH!.
Oh, sure, blame NOAH! for Elle’s death. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO SAWED HER HEAD OFF. And if you had taken her to, I don’t know, AN EMERGENCY ROOM INSTEAD OF A STOP-AND-SHOP, she may actually still be alive. GOD.
Claire, why did you sound so pissed off when you told Meredith you were coming back for her, like it was some sort of chore?
Okay, Sylar was actually Mama Petrelli’s son? But not Arthur’s son? Who’d Mama Petrelli bang back in the day? Who is Sylar related to now - OH DON’T LET IT BE NOAH, THAT WOULD SUCK. (I actually do know they’ve cast the role of Sylar’s dad and it's not NOAH!, but I can dream, can’t I?)
Guys - all they have to do is pull the glass out and Sylar lives. Does no one else realize that? He's going to come back; he always comes back.
Poor Meredith. She was pretty cool, when she wasn’t saying ‘asshole’ every five minutes or so. And she was pretty ripped; I want my arms to look like her arms. Rest in peace, Meredith.
Hiro
Parkman: "Hiro doesn’t need to have his abilities. How much trouble can he get into?"
REALLY? HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING THIS SHOW, PARKMAN? Because Hiro can get into trouble when he’s MAKING A SANDWICH.
SpeedRacer: "Well, anything he does in the past can change the present, right? Like, if he died?"
Apparently not, SpeedRacer. Heroes does not operate under a linear space-time continuum fuck-up theory. If you fuck up in the past, apparently, you were supposed to fuck up in the past. Everything is predestined; you do not need to pretend to be someone named Calvin Klein because that’s the name that happens to be on your underwear after your future grandfather runs you over with his car.
*sigh* I’m going to need a Pepsi. I’ll be right back.
The caffeine is already helping. Continue. I can’t believe I already have over five hundred words on less than ten minutes.
Why are you looking for SpiderPig? SPIDERPIG CAN’T DO ANYTHING ANYMORE.
SpiderPig
The infection has spread to your lungs? THANK GOODNESS. Oh, jeez, I don’t know what I want more, now: SpiderPig to get better, SpiderPig to kill himself after injecting him with The Formula, or Peter shooting SpiderPig.
AND THEN SpeedRacer comes along and kills the formula. Thank you, SpeedRacer, for taking that - wait, that wasn’t SpeedRacer. It was Flynt and Knox! Jeez, that’s a fakeout. Peter, now you’re just knocking over tables because everyone else is doing it.
Oh, it was SpeedRacer! And she only grabbed the formula. Okay, I can get that.
Oh, SpiderPig has the narration again? Dudes, no. And Tracey picked him up? Not cool, man. Not cool.
I still don’t really understand how Nathan landed on the “Heroes are evil” side of the fence. It’s so… weird, for his character. And I realize that Nathan has always been slightly shifty-eyed, but it’s like they needed to pick a character who would stay evil for the fourth volume, and they said, “Hey, Nathan’s always had questionable motives, plus he’s a senator, so the government can get involved, how about him?” It’s a very tacky way to end this volume.
Honestly, I’m losing interest in this show. I tuned out about half of this episode, mainly because I can’t take Claire whining anymore. Here’s hoping Volume Four is even better than Volume Three, because otherwise, I’m cancelling Heroes.
Or something. Anyway.
Heroes 3.13: Dual
When we last left our intrepid Heroes:
• Hiro and Claire had gone back in time to when NOAH! first got Claire from Sulu. Hiro was still mentally ten years old, until his mother a) gave him back his memories with her MUTANT HEALING POWER and b) made him The Catalyst. Then Arthur Petrelli showed up out of nowhere and dropped him off the edge of The Building after taking his powers, trapping him in the past.
• Claire, meanwhile, got sent back to the present somehow?
• Ando, Parkman, Speed Racer and Surly the Bike Messenger are looking for Hiro. Well, not so much Surly.
• Arthur claims the Catalyst is in himself, allowing him to help SpiderPig create a race of Super Soldiers.
• Sylar killed Arthur after gathering the Human Lie Detector Trait in a scene that is still kinda awesome.
We open with Sylar taking over the narration duties from SpiderPig, which, yes: I can always get behind less SpiderPig. Remember when I wanted to remove SpiderPig’s lilac shirt with my tongue? Those were good times. I miss those times. Stupid SpiderPig.
The downside is that Sylar is talking about God creating the Earth in six days, and trying to create the duality between Good and Evil where our Heroes are concerned, and ... all in all, it’s kind of an okay recap of what happened in the past twelve episodes, but it’s still kind of hokey.
The Petrelli Brothers
Oh, boy. Nathan’s taking over the plan for the Super Soldiers; he's going to carry on his father's legacy, which apparently is his legacy. Whatever. And now Peter’s going to try and kill Nathan again. But, is it Peter again, or Peter for the first time? Damn you, time travel! You ruin everything.
Okay, since when can Peter knock out Nathan with a single punch? When did Peter turn into Superman? Because he’s never been able to do that before. Oh, Peter took the formula again. WHEN? WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN? Because I don't remember him doing at any point in the past two episodes.
Oh, poor Peter. He’s just having fun trashing things now. And THANK YOU, FLYNT, FOR SHUTTING SPIDERPIG UP.
Claire and NOAH!
See, I missed creepy!Sylar. Sylar taunting Mama Petrelli and Claire at Primatech? That was pretty cool. And now he’s playing a game with them, to prove that they’re monsters like him? It’s about damn time. Because Claire is a little monster. She made someone commit suicide!
NOAH!’s giving CLAIRE a SHOTGUN!? Dude, don't be surprised when she accidentally shoots you in the ass.
Wow. Did anyone watch Gargoyles, back in the day of Disney Afternoon? This episode is very Hotel Cabal, if you get that reference.
All right. I took a brief moment to do my taxes (Yay federal refund! Goodbye, [most of my] credit card debt!). When I paused, the phone was mysteriously ringing in Claire and Mama Petrelli’s room. Let me guess: the call is coming from inside the house? Of course it is. Oh, Sylar, you are just taking every single horror movie cliche and using it, aren’t you?
Here’s a question before I get into a rant: did Sylar know that Nathan is Claire’s bio-daddy? He keeps calling NOAH! “daddy” (for Claire, not for him, but dude, that’d be awesome), so I’m assuming he never put those particular pieces together.
And rant. He wants Claire to kill Mama Petrelli. And he makes a good point: is she even worth saving? However, in the list of “Things Mama Petrelli Has Done That Makes Her Evil,” I offer this quote:
Sylar: “She wanted to blow up New York City, murdered her husband … and most importantly, lied to me.”
REALLY? LYING TO YOU IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN BLOWING UP NEW YORK, SYLAR? Jeebus H. Kristoff. And dude, Sylar, given the choice between the grandmother who wanted to lock her up in a cell and her father, I think she’s going to choose NOAH!.
Oh, sure, blame NOAH! for Elle’s death. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO SAWED HER HEAD OFF. And if you had taken her to, I don’t know, AN EMERGENCY ROOM INSTEAD OF A STOP-AND-SHOP, she may actually still be alive. GOD.
Claire, why did you sound so pissed off when you told Meredith you were coming back for her, like it was some sort of chore?
Okay, Sylar was actually Mama Petrelli’s son? But not Arthur’s son? Who’d Mama Petrelli bang back in the day? Who is Sylar related to now - OH DON’T LET IT BE NOAH, THAT WOULD SUCK. (I actually do know they’ve cast the role of Sylar’s dad and it's not NOAH!, but I can dream, can’t I?)
Guys - all they have to do is pull the glass out and Sylar lives. Does no one else realize that? He's going to come back; he always comes back.
Poor Meredith. She was pretty cool, when she wasn’t saying ‘asshole’ every five minutes or so. And she was pretty ripped; I want my arms to look like her arms. Rest in peace, Meredith.
Hiro
Parkman: "Hiro doesn’t need to have his abilities. How much trouble can he get into?"
REALLY? HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING THIS SHOW, PARKMAN? Because Hiro can get into trouble when he’s MAKING A SANDWICH.
SpeedRacer: "Well, anything he does in the past can change the present, right? Like, if he died?"
Apparently not, SpeedRacer. Heroes does not operate under a linear space-time continuum fuck-up theory. If you fuck up in the past, apparently, you were supposed to fuck up in the past. Everything is predestined; you do not need to pretend to be someone named Calvin Klein because that’s the name that happens to be on your underwear after your future grandfather runs you over with his car.
*sigh* I’m going to need a Pepsi. I’ll be right back.
The caffeine is already helping. Continue. I can’t believe I already have over five hundred words on less than ten minutes.
Why are you looking for SpiderPig? SPIDERPIG CAN’T DO ANYTHING ANYMORE.
SpiderPig
The infection has spread to your lungs? THANK GOODNESS. Oh, jeez, I don’t know what I want more, now: SpiderPig to get better, SpiderPig to kill himself after injecting him with The Formula, or Peter shooting SpiderPig.
AND THEN SpeedRacer comes along and kills the formula. Thank you, SpeedRacer, for taking that - wait, that wasn’t SpeedRacer. It was Flynt and Knox! Jeez, that’s a fakeout. Peter, now you’re just knocking over tables because everyone else is doing it.
Oh, it was SpeedRacer! And she only grabbed the formula. Okay, I can get that.
Oh, SpiderPig has the narration again? Dudes, no. And Tracey picked him up? Not cool, man. Not cool.
I still don’t really understand how Nathan landed on the “Heroes are evil” side of the fence. It’s so… weird, for his character. And I realize that Nathan has always been slightly shifty-eyed, but it’s like they needed to pick a character who would stay evil for the fourth volume, and they said, “Hey, Nathan’s always had questionable motives, plus he’s a senator, so the government can get involved, how about him?” It’s a very tacky way to end this volume.
Honestly, I’m losing interest in this show. I tuned out about half of this episode, mainly because I can’t take Claire whining anymore. Here’s hoping Volume Four is even better than Volume Three, because otherwise, I’m cancelling Heroes.