You're aimed to me but you're shooting blanks
I swear to ... *sigh* Dear NOAH!: Why must you be so awesome? Because seriously, you're like the only reason I'm watching right now.
Petrelli Brothers
Okay, honestly? Just how much space does this eclipse cover? Because I’ve never heard of an eclipse being visible from California to Haiti.
NO! NO MORE SUBTITLES. I do not want more Wonder Twins. NO. SUBTITLES.
Who the hell is this Samedi person and what’s his significance? Because, you know what? I. DON’T. CARE.
WHERE DID PETER GET A GUN? I - *sigh*
When did Nathan study French? For what purpose? I really, really don’t understand this “Nathan and Peter go to Haiti” plotline. I mean, I know that they went to get the Haitian Sensation, but the whole “the Haitian’s brother is an evil dude with his own army” thing is bogus.
What is Nathan talking about? Oh man, Nathan’s going over to the dark Papa Petrelli side. I think. Maybe. Have I mentioned I’m confused?
Claire
NOAH!, I know you’re on a vengeance run, but come on, your little girl is in the hospital. Just ask yourself: what would Giles do?
Oh, good. Claire’s having her “I’m sorry Mommy” moment. WHICH IS CAUSING HER TO GO INTO CARDIAC ARREST?! Okay, that’s kind of awesome. They just - they just cracked her chest? Right there in the ICU? And Sandra’s watching them paddle her ittle baby’s heart INSIDE HER CHEST? That’s just … gah. Don't any of the writers watch Grey’s Anatomy? The surgeons are always shoving the parents out of the OR, and they don’t exactly direct them to the viewing gallery.
HOLY SHIT CLAIRE’S DEAD. HOLY SHIT, CLAIRE’S DEAD!!!! MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED! Praise be to God in the high- Oh, wait, there goes the eclipse, and … what? With the passing of the sun, Claire becomes alive? Is her curse, like, reverse vampirism?
Sylar/Veronica Mars
Seriously?! You two take time out from trying to capture the cheerleader and wreak havoc for fucking? Dear God, I hope NOAH!’s sniper bullet shoots one of you.
Isn’t that the same gun that Elle or Bob used to “kill” NOAH! at the end of last season? And BOOYAH for NOAH! sacking up and taking vengeance. Although really, for Claire? Claire has not been scared since the beginning of this season. She’s been a bitch and a fungdark, but scared? Not so much.
REALLY?!?! YOU’RE CONDUCTING TRIAGE IN A STOP ‘N’ SHOP?!?! I’m sorry, Claire - Sylar and Veronica Mars have taken over your title of STUPIDEST HERO EVER. Together, they are dumber than Claire. That's really fucking dumb. That's dumber than a stump. Dumber than a stump with a business degree. I mean, really? Veronica Mars, you’re not even wearing pants!
And as of this moment, you are no longer Veronica Mars. You are too stupid to still be named Veronica Mars. ELLE. DO NOT YELL AT GABRIEL AND GIVE AWAY YOUR LOCATION. GOD, HOW STUPID ARE YOU?
NOAH! JUST SLICED SYLAR’S CAROTID WITH AN EXACTO KNIFE. Which brings me to this:
Dear Jack Bristow, Rupert Giles, and Percival Cox:
I’m over you. I’m in love with NOAH! BENNET. The Exacto Knife has (nearly) replaced the Spork as the Weapon of Awesomeness. Godspeed in your travels, boys, but my love remains with the One Formerly Known as HRG.
This probably means that I won’t be able to stop watching this fucking show. Fuck.
SpiderPig
There’s a Post-It with Maya’s name on it? NOOOOOOO! LEAVE THE WONDER TWIN ALONE!
Okay, SpiderPig using a microscope to beat up Flynt? Almost - almost - lets him earn his real name back. Oh, but THEN HE PICKS UP MAYA’S POST IT, and SpiderPig he shall remain.
Ha, hahahahahahahhahahahaha. Of course, you stupid moron! As soon as the eclipse comes back, you’ll go back to being SpiderPig for realsies. Jeez, even Oz and Breckin Meyer figured that one out, and they’re comic book geeks. And ten points deducted from your already very very low score for giving Maya some more airtime.
Parkman/Speed Racer
Speed Racer has cerebral palsy? Aww…? This is the secret? This is the big freakin’ secret that Daphne was trying so hard to hide from Parkman? Really?? I … I swear, Heroes, I’m almost done. I’m not even kidding.
Aw, Speed Racer does have a Scarecrow. That’s kind of adorable. She still looks too much like Kristen Bell for my tastes, though. And look, more Daddy Issues!
OZ!! (and Hiro and Ando)
OZ!! With the classic, “Hey! This is not a library!” and “Best. Day. Ever.” It’s like Comic Book Guy slimmed down and turned into cute and lovable Oz.
Now, Ando, Hiro was ‘ten’ even before the eclipse, and that was due to Papa Petrelli. He’ll get his powers back, but he’ll still be ten. Not that there’s a huge difference between normal, adult Hiro and childhood regression Hiro, but the point still stands.
All right, OZ! Bringing the wisdom and awesomeness? It’s like season three of Buffy all over again.
Oh man. Oz is sending Parkman and Speed Racer on a quest. A quest … for a lowly bike messenger.
I want Oz to be a permanent Hero. I’m not even kidding. Oz makes everything better! Even Family Guy, and that’s saying a lot, because Family Guy sucks big fat donkey balls. I’m not even kidding. Family Guy is a cleaned-up donkey show.
After the Eclipse, Bennet Household
OH MY GOD, CLAIRE, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Jeez, I wish you had stayed dead.
NOAH!: You died? When?
Now he sounds like Joyce, rather than Giles. Same type of parental figure. And oh, poor Claire, she died twice. When she starts screwing vampires, then I’ll get worried.
Dear Casting Gods: KEEP JAMES MARSTERS away from Heroes. Thanks. Love, Alaina.
And then Sylar and Elle show up and Sylar almost strangles NOAH!, and NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN, CLAIRE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT HER FATHER. I … *sigh*
WHERE THE FUCK DID HIRO COME FROM?! And where did he send Sylar and Elle? I’M SO CONFUSED, oh my god.
And, in the end…
Sylar kills Elle by chopping off her scalp, like he never changed, like the eclipse never happened, and Claire and Hiro went back in time to witness NOAH! being given the gift of Claire. Which he’s probably wishing he could regift, in this holiday time of ours.
Which reminds me - I need to read that Buffy book so I can regift it on to Little E.
Here's my main problem with Heroes as of this minute: the characters suck. I don't know what happened to Claire in between last season and this, but she's gotten extra-whiny. It's like someone took Season Three Meredith Grey and Season Six Buffy Summers and tossed in a tiny bit of Sam from Reaper in the beginning. And I guess it's not that she's whiny, it's that she doesn't understand the motives of everyone around her, and she comes off as a ... as a fungdark. She thinks she's invincible and doesn't want anyone to try to protect her, because she doesn't think they love her for some stupid fucking reason, and I'm tired of her. I mean, I seriously did this \o/ when they revealed that Claire had died. I knew it wouldn't last, but I was hoping I'd get more than five minutes peace. Because did her time in the afterlife change her, mellow her out? NO. As soon as NOAH! walked through the door, she was the fungdark again.
SHUT. UP. CLAIRE. GOD.
And Peter ... words cannot describe the complete and total apathy I'm feeling for Peter Petrelli right now. Jesus H., folks, I mean, Peter was the original Sir Whines-A-Lot, but this is getting ridiculous. "The eclipse is supposed to test our resolve!" Bullshit! The eclipse, in a meta way, is a way for the writers to instill a little bit more drama. But in your reality, the eclipse is an astronomical event that happens waaay more frequently than it should in real life which somehow has connections to your powers that you're all just figuring out now. So the next time the writers paint themselves into a corner an eclipse is predicted, guess what? STAY INSIDE AND DON'T GO TO HAITI.
NOAH! is the only character that I can still empathize with and root for, and due to my absolute hatred of Claire, currently, that confuses me, because the person he's trying to protect and support is Claire. And remember my \o/? I was excited when she died again! It was awesome! It was quiet.
As long as she doesn't start complaining that she was in Heaven and the damned eclipse pulled her out, and then someone invokes the Musical Demon and then she tries to dance herself to death.
Actually, I would PAY to see that happen, as long as Uncle Peter/Spike doesn't stop her.
So look, I'm confused and annoyed and getting close to pissed off on Heroes. Here. A gift from me to you, via the No Fact Zone: My new favoritist song EVAR.
"Can I Interest You in Hannukah", a duet between Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, from A Colbert Christmas.
Petrelli Brothers
Okay, honestly? Just how much space does this eclipse cover? Because I’ve never heard of an eclipse being visible from California to Haiti.
NO! NO MORE SUBTITLES. I do not want more Wonder Twins. NO. SUBTITLES.
Who the hell is this Samedi person and what’s his significance? Because, you know what? I. DON’T. CARE.
WHERE DID PETER GET A GUN? I - *sigh*
When did Nathan study French? For what purpose? I really, really don’t understand this “Nathan and Peter go to Haiti” plotline. I mean, I know that they went to get the Haitian Sensation, but the whole “the Haitian’s brother is an evil dude with his own army” thing is bogus.
What is Nathan talking about? Oh man, Nathan’s going over to the dark Papa Petrelli side. I think. Maybe. Have I mentioned I’m confused?
Claire
NOAH!, I know you’re on a vengeance run, but come on, your little girl is in the hospital. Just ask yourself: what would Giles do?
Oh, good. Claire’s having her “I’m sorry Mommy” moment. WHICH IS CAUSING HER TO GO INTO CARDIAC ARREST?! Okay, that’s kind of awesome. They just - they just cracked her chest? Right there in the ICU? And Sandra’s watching them paddle her ittle baby’s heart INSIDE HER CHEST? That’s just … gah. Don't any of the writers watch Grey’s Anatomy? The surgeons are always shoving the parents out of the OR, and they don’t exactly direct them to the viewing gallery.
HOLY SHIT CLAIRE’S DEAD. HOLY SHIT, CLAIRE’S DEAD!!!! MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED! Praise be to God in the high- Oh, wait, there goes the eclipse, and … what? With the passing of the sun, Claire becomes alive? Is her curse, like, reverse vampirism?
Sylar/Veronica Mars
Seriously?! You two take time out from trying to capture the cheerleader and wreak havoc for fucking? Dear God, I hope NOAH!’s sniper bullet shoots one of you.
Isn’t that the same gun that Elle or Bob used to “kill” NOAH! at the end of last season? And BOOYAH for NOAH! sacking up and taking vengeance. Although really, for Claire? Claire has not been scared since the beginning of this season. She’s been a bitch and a fungdark, but scared? Not so much.
REALLY?!?! YOU’RE CONDUCTING TRIAGE IN A STOP ‘N’ SHOP?!?! I’m sorry, Claire - Sylar and Veronica Mars have taken over your title of STUPIDEST HERO EVER. Together, they are dumber than Claire. That's really fucking dumb. That's dumber than a stump. Dumber than a stump with a business degree. I mean, really? Veronica Mars, you’re not even wearing pants!
And as of this moment, you are no longer Veronica Mars. You are too stupid to still be named Veronica Mars. ELLE. DO NOT YELL AT GABRIEL AND GIVE AWAY YOUR LOCATION. GOD, HOW STUPID ARE YOU?
NOAH! JUST SLICED SYLAR’S CAROTID WITH AN EXACTO KNIFE. Which brings me to this:
Dear Jack Bristow, Rupert Giles, and Percival Cox:
I’m over you. I’m in love with NOAH! BENNET. The Exacto Knife has (nearly) replaced the Spork as the Weapon of Awesomeness. Godspeed in your travels, boys, but my love remains with the One Formerly Known as HRG.
This probably means that I won’t be able to stop watching this fucking show. Fuck.
SpiderPig
There’s a Post-It with Maya’s name on it? NOOOOOOO! LEAVE THE WONDER TWIN ALONE!
Okay, SpiderPig using a microscope to beat up Flynt? Almost - almost - lets him earn his real name back. Oh, but THEN HE PICKS UP MAYA’S POST IT, and SpiderPig he shall remain.
Ha, hahahahahahahhahahahaha. Of course, you stupid moron! As soon as the eclipse comes back, you’ll go back to being SpiderPig for realsies. Jeez, even Oz and Breckin Meyer figured that one out, and they’re comic book geeks. And ten points deducted from your already very very low score for giving Maya some more airtime.
Parkman/Speed Racer
Speed Racer has cerebral palsy? Aww…? This is the secret? This is the big freakin’ secret that Daphne was trying so hard to hide from Parkman? Really?? I … I swear, Heroes, I’m almost done. I’m not even kidding.
Aw, Speed Racer does have a Scarecrow. That’s kind of adorable. She still looks too much like Kristen Bell for my tastes, though. And look, more Daddy Issues!
OZ!! (and Hiro and Ando)
OZ!! With the classic, “Hey! This is not a library!” and “Best. Day. Ever.” It’s like Comic Book Guy slimmed down and turned into cute and lovable Oz.
Now, Ando, Hiro was ‘ten’ even before the eclipse, and that was due to Papa Petrelli. He’ll get his powers back, but he’ll still be ten. Not that there’s a huge difference between normal, adult Hiro and childhood regression Hiro, but the point still stands.
All right, OZ! Bringing the wisdom and awesomeness? It’s like season three of Buffy all over again.
Oh man. Oz is sending Parkman and Speed Racer on a quest. A quest … for a lowly bike messenger.
I want Oz to be a permanent Hero. I’m not even kidding. Oz makes everything better! Even Family Guy, and that’s saying a lot, because Family Guy sucks big fat donkey balls. I’m not even kidding. Family Guy is a cleaned-up donkey show.
After the Eclipse, Bennet Household
OH MY GOD, CLAIRE, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Jeez, I wish you had stayed dead.
NOAH!: You died? When?
Now he sounds like Joyce, rather than Giles. Same type of parental figure. And oh, poor Claire, she died twice. When she starts screwing vampires, then I’ll get worried.
Dear Casting Gods: KEEP JAMES MARSTERS away from Heroes. Thanks. Love, Alaina.
And then Sylar and Elle show up and Sylar almost strangles NOAH!, and NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN, CLAIRE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT HER FATHER. I … *sigh*
WHERE THE FUCK DID HIRO COME FROM?! And where did he send Sylar and Elle? I’M SO CONFUSED, oh my god.
And, in the end…
Sylar kills Elle by chopping off her scalp, like he never changed, like the eclipse never happened, and Claire and Hiro went back in time to witness NOAH! being given the gift of Claire. Which he’s probably wishing he could regift, in this holiday time of ours.
Which reminds me - I need to read that Buffy book so I can regift it on to Little E.
Here's my main problem with Heroes as of this minute: the characters suck. I don't know what happened to Claire in between last season and this, but she's gotten extra-whiny. It's like someone took Season Three Meredith Grey and Season Six Buffy Summers and tossed in a tiny bit of Sam from Reaper in the beginning. And I guess it's not that she's whiny, it's that she doesn't understand the motives of everyone around her, and she comes off as a ... as a fungdark. She thinks she's invincible and doesn't want anyone to try to protect her, because she doesn't think they love her for some stupid fucking reason, and I'm tired of her. I mean, I seriously did this \o/ when they revealed that Claire had died. I knew it wouldn't last, but I was hoping I'd get more than five minutes peace. Because did her time in the afterlife change her, mellow her out? NO. As soon as NOAH! walked through the door, she was the fungdark again.
SHUT. UP. CLAIRE. GOD.
And Peter ... words cannot describe the complete and total apathy I'm feeling for Peter Petrelli right now. Jesus H., folks, I mean, Peter was the original Sir Whines-A-Lot, but this is getting ridiculous. "The eclipse is supposed to test our resolve!" Bullshit! The eclipse, in a meta way, is a way for the writers to instill a little bit more drama. But in your reality, the eclipse is an astronomical event that happens waaay more frequently than it should in real life which somehow has connections to your powers that you're all just figuring out now. So the next time the writers paint themselves into a corner an eclipse is predicted, guess what? STAY INSIDE AND DON'T GO TO HAITI.
NOAH! is the only character that I can still empathize with and root for, and due to my absolute hatred of Claire, currently, that confuses me, because the person he's trying to protect and support is Claire. And remember my \o/? I was excited when she died again! It was awesome! It was quiet.
As long as she doesn't start complaining that she was in Heaven and the damned eclipse pulled her out, and then someone invokes the Musical Demon and then she tries to dance herself to death.
Actually, I would PAY to see that happen, as long as Uncle Peter/Spike doesn't stop her.
So look, I'm confused and annoyed and getting close to pissed off on Heroes. Here. A gift from me to you, via the No Fact Zone: My new favoritist song EVAR.
"Can I Interest You in Hannukah", a duet between Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, from A Colbert Christmas.