love ain't always so simple
~Relationships begin with genuine curiosity and openness: cultivate these in yourself. If you genuinely appreciate people-if you understand that every human being has some gemlike quality of the mind, heart, or spirit that you can learn from, and if you reach out-the relationships become inevitable. If begins in little ways: smile at people, say "hi," make small talk in lines or at work, ask questions. It's not so hard.
~Find pleasure in receiving. Some of us want always to be the Great Provider/Mother/Helper to the world, Daddy Warbucks the powerful philanthropist, and sometimes that is done out of fear and insecurity. Open your heart to the gifts of others; recognize, savor, and appreciate them. This, too, is a gift, to create sharing instead of dependency.
~Don't look for all your needs to be met in one person. Accept and enjoy them for who they are and what they can freely bring to your relationship. What they cannot give, seek in yourself or elsewhere.
~If you are going to love someone, love them for who they are, not who you would like them to become. Encourage, support, and celebrate positive growth and change in your loved ones, but never demand it.
~Show respect. Never criticize or demean your loved ones to others, even “jokingly.” Be courteous even in the middle of a fight. All to often people take advantage of the nearness and vulnerability of those they love, and behave towards them in ways they would never dream of inflicting on a stranger. Our families and friends deserve at least as much honor, respect, and courtesy as we show to others.
~Communicate. Explain clearly what you want or need, but without demanding, threatening or expecting. Never withhold your thoughts or feelings out of fear. Check assumptions, especially negative ones. Talk out problems.
{At the same time, don't ask your friends and family to become your therapists. If you have some ongoing emotional problem, give them a break and get professional help. Of course your loved ones will be there for you in a crisis, but day-to-day you should give them the best and strongest part of yourself, not a basket case of problems.}
~Never let problems between you linger, unless you are too exhausted, stressed, or distracted to put quality energy into a solution at the moment. Work things out at the earliest possible moment.
~Forgive. The people you love, who love you, are human beings, doing the best they can. They will screw up occasionally and act in a thoughtless, insensitive, or even cruel manner. These mistakes do not negate their good qualities-the reasons you love them in the first place. You do not have to “suffer slings and arrows” in silence; point out mistakes, explain their effect on you, tell your needs and preferences-then drop the subject from your mind and heart. Forgive. Refocus on the good stuff.
{This is not to say that you should accept ongoing abuse or dangerous behavior; if there is a pattern of harm, get professional help or get out of the relationship. Only you can draw the line between occasional human goofs and a pattern of destructive habits.}
~Look inside: “if what you seek you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.” Work to cherish and respect yourself, and that will be reflected in all your relationships.
We all need love, by which I mean caring and emotionally intimate relationships. (Sex is fine as well, but it's not the most essential ingredient.) And we can all find love. If you haven't got enough, give some away and watch it return threefold.
-Amber K "True Magick"