i don't want to feel this way forever
sometimes theres those people that you really miss. you wonder what it would be like if they were with you. what it'd be like if you knew they were always going to be by you. if you knew they were always going to be there, to call and just talk to or hang out with. to simply care about you and listen to you.
and sometimes you think about those people you will never see again. those really cool people that you never really got to know but wish you would have. and you realize you never will get to know them and you will never, ever see them again in your life. that the time you had with them was so short and you never made use of it.
or those people that you did know and love. but it went to waste. it was ruined and trashed. you regret a lot but theres really nothing you can do at all. so you don't feel bad or sad really, just thoughtful. ugh no thats not the right word...but you know what i mean, you think about it a lot but it no longer upsets you because you're used to it. you're numb to it.
i think that's probably the winner for one of the worst feelings you can have.
por ejemplo...
the kid in my geometry class who always had cool clothes and a really unique style for a guy. i mean how many guys care about style and like to be different? no guy i've met, except him. and i always wanted to talk to him. he seemed like a cool kid. he liked good bands, had cool clothes, liked to be different. but i never did. i always thought of things to say to him, but didn't. i always talked myself out of it.
so i was thinking the last few days of school...this kids moving to like utah or something so what the heck, i should say something to him. let him know i think he's cool and different and that i liked that...you know...something cheesy because hell... i wasn't ever going to see him ever again anyway. so i decided after my geometry final i was going to say something to him.
he left though. i never saw him again.
i was buried in my 100 frickin' question final and never got to talk to him. i realized after i was done...i will never see him again. that's something i can never do over.
then kristi. she was cool. amazing at soccer. i wanted to hang out with her and jackie before she left for college. jackie told me she wished i talked to her more. brooklyn told me tonight though that she's gone. she's in north carolina and so i'll pretty much never see her again either. i don't know...maybe she'll come back but she was never really from around here so i don't know. that really depresses me if i think about it too much. i mean it really, really makes me sad. that's something i can never do over. someone i will never see or get a chance to know...ever again.
then there's those random kids who transfer out and stuff. that you never knew...and honestly never really cared to know but you still feel a bit sad that you'll never see them again.
there were these girls i met in kosovo too. i mean it doesn't depress me as much as kristi and the utah kid because i had to leave kosovo and come home. i didn't get a chance to know them because of fate, not my own choice like the others. but those were awesome people that i got a chance to meet and talk to, even though i needed a translator...that i will never see again.
or those friends who move away. one in particular for me. what if lauren wouldn't have moved? my friends and i from eigth grade would probably be so much closer. i'm almost positive we would have been friends through graduation. but she had to move. i never see her but i still talk to her. but it's not the same. now i feel weird to call her...because all we talk about is frickin' 8th grade. she's probably coming this summer, but it won't be the same. we'll laugh and reminisce over 8th grade then say goodbye and exchange sporadic conversations on the phone throughout the year until we see her again.
then there's those people that you're glad you knew, but at the same time wish you never would have met them. they caused you so many hell-like feelings without even knowing it...that you wish you could just completely block it out, and at the same time wish you could go back and fix it. fix it by letting them love you again.
it really effin' pisses me off when your internet doesn't work and you can't play any frickin' music. i've heard one song this whole time and i've been writing for a while. and my eye lid is twitching like mad due to my lack of sleep and its driving me nuts. seriosly crazy...3 days straight. its the damn summer school i tell you.
school ruins you i think. because then you're off school and you have nothing to think about but yourself. you're so used to going to school every single frickin' day...thinking about grades and teachers and peers and guys and friends and parents and everything. then it's out. you have nothing to think about. and at first...it feels good. it feels great to lay outside, read, write, run whenever you feel like it, not have anything to worry about anything, come home whenever you want...but then you think like me. you start to think about everything you should have done. but not necissarily in a bad way. it would depress me if i truly thought about it you know. i'm not truly thinking about it, i'm just reflecting. i know what i need to change. i know i need to be different. i know why i act the way i do for the most part. sometimes i feel like my own damn phsycologist. so i actually am fine. just reflecting. not really regretting because that's how i felt at the time. i'm not living in the past i just know i have regrets. but there's nothing i can do about it now except change for next time.