this one's for the fishies
okay okay. So here I am, living in montreal, working a job, supporting myself, almost afloat financially, barely avoiding the temptation to take up welfare or a disability pension, with lots of ideas of projects to tackle but no resources (ei tools and money) to accomplish them, feeling pretty much exhausted after each day of work, doing nothing much after work and on my days off except trying to sleep or listening to the radio and thinking of things to do that will probably never get done, and in the last week wasting lots of time playing with Facebook. Rather ironically, ever since I signed up for Facebook a week ago, my social life has been completely dead, apart from one night out at a show. I feel like I'd fit right in with that Japanese phenomenom of adult guys who just hole up in their rooms at their parents' home and just play video games, having no ambition to go out into the world. I probably would be doing just that if a) I had a video game console other than the original Gameboy and b) if my parents didn't kick me out of their home. Right now I'm thinking I would be quite content to just work six or seven days a week, and do nothing much else: just save up money for a few months til i can buy a computer and some peripherals and make crazy weird microtonal music for fun, and not worry about what else i want to do, what i'd rather be doing, what i should or could be doing or accomplishing to get ahead........
Lately I've been feeling comfortably depressed listening to the new radiohead album, which is the only album i have to listen to here, have enjoyed smoking too many cigarettes tho I decided to quit today, enjoyed some guinness beerssss the last couple nights, alone, had a good ol' Jewel dream last night, lots of other good dreams, some bad ones, one or two very vivid sex dreams to compensate for my complete lack of waking sex life (what's with that?)
A recurring theme in my inner drama is the urge to drop out of the rat race and become a buddhist monk, which I feel is an inevitable step, as in if i don't do it now, I will do it eventually, and I didn't do it in the past, but I'm nearly ready to commit now, but not quite, but one of these times I'll cave in. This theme seems to reflect another theme of impending suicide, like its something i'll eventually do too, nearly have in the past, almost feel ready to but not quite, but eventually I'll cave in. Maybe the Monk version is just a healthier morphism of the old fatalist dream...recurring nightmare...
Despite the dark shading, I feel happy. Sometimes I wish I could turn off my thoughts, sometimes i wish i was less lonely, but generally i feel good about things, like i started off with; i just wanna hit cruise control and just go with the flow for a while not looking for exits or detours, just lay back and turn up the radio...
How strange it is to me to a) have a job and b) enjoy working. this has not been the case since, oh, i was 11 delivering newspapers i think. I have a perverse enjoyment for a) getting up before 7am to go to work, which is totally uncharacteristic of me, and b) drinking all night and getting an hour or 2 or sleep before going to work drunk and taking tylenols and making myself puke in the bathroom and drinking loads of coffee and coke to fend off the hangover, also uncharacteristic of me.
Another Mirror of the aforementioned recurring theme is that of going insane, losing my mind, going mad.... I feel like I'm not far from the edge where the logical, firm reality tears or crumbles apart and things drift into absurdity and then its all over folks. like its chasing after me, occasionally catching my heels, inevitably engrossing me eventually in the warm-cold wet-dry seas of space where i'll swim adrift with all the other cooky spaced fish. I look forward to it.
It's time to go.... do nothing.
ciao,
andy gonzalez
Lately I've been feeling comfortably depressed listening to the new radiohead album, which is the only album i have to listen to here, have enjoyed smoking too many cigarettes tho I decided to quit today, enjoyed some guinness beerssss the last couple nights, alone, had a good ol' Jewel dream last night, lots of other good dreams, some bad ones, one or two very vivid sex dreams to compensate for my complete lack of waking sex life (what's with that?)
A recurring theme in my inner drama is the urge to drop out of the rat race and become a buddhist monk, which I feel is an inevitable step, as in if i don't do it now, I will do it eventually, and I didn't do it in the past, but I'm nearly ready to commit now, but not quite, but one of these times I'll cave in. This theme seems to reflect another theme of impending suicide, like its something i'll eventually do too, nearly have in the past, almost feel ready to but not quite, but eventually I'll cave in. Maybe the Monk version is just a healthier morphism of the old fatalist dream...recurring nightmare...
Despite the dark shading, I feel happy. Sometimes I wish I could turn off my thoughts, sometimes i wish i was less lonely, but generally i feel good about things, like i started off with; i just wanna hit cruise control and just go with the flow for a while not looking for exits or detours, just lay back and turn up the radio...
How strange it is to me to a) have a job and b) enjoy working. this has not been the case since, oh, i was 11 delivering newspapers i think. I have a perverse enjoyment for a) getting up before 7am to go to work, which is totally uncharacteristic of me, and b) drinking all night and getting an hour or 2 or sleep before going to work drunk and taking tylenols and making myself puke in the bathroom and drinking loads of coffee and coke to fend off the hangover, also uncharacteristic of me.
Another Mirror of the aforementioned recurring theme is that of going insane, losing my mind, going mad.... I feel like I'm not far from the edge where the logical, firm reality tears or crumbles apart and things drift into absurdity and then its all over folks. like its chasing after me, occasionally catching my heels, inevitably engrossing me eventually in the warm-cold wet-dry seas of space where i'll swim adrift with all the other cooky spaced fish. I look forward to it.
It's time to go.... do nothing.
ciao,
andy gonzalez