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[madyabyum]

Although I may be posting in this one some, or at least keeping it open, I'm switching blogs for a while because I don't really care for the livejournal format.

New blog found at: madyabyum.blogspot.com (should you seek)

Comments

[madyabyum]

Everything is okay and no, it had nothing to do with you at all. Sometimes I feel embarrassed about some of my posts that are overly emotional or definitive but I like having a record of where I am internally and so I don't change or delete them.

Everything fell apart and that is just entropy. There's a frustration that comes with never being able to hold anything together, to keep a foundation or find safety and that's just where I am now. I'm trying to figure out why I bring chaos to people's lives without direct intention and why everyone seems to spin out of control around me. I want to be a better friend and to understand how I fail people.

My post was just me drawing a line. I don't want to be loved from a distance or in past tense. It's an unreal love, not based in reality or with an understanding of what I am. On the loneliness and homeless nights which seem to be more frequent than not, it only hurts to be told how great I am by people who don't want me in their lives. It's a hollow consolation.

I feel like a failure for still being a stripper after six years and that's also not something I want the peanut crunching crowd to sit at their computers to witness. I feel stupid for believing so whole-heartedly in naive ideals of love and fate and destiny and all of my words read back to me over the years as someone clinging to the possibility of hope and I just...want to hide and not speak or be touched.

I appreciate the love I've received from everyone, you included.

I just am giving up for a while. No gambatte. No pursuit of meaning or happiness. For now, I quit.

[madyabyum]

I understand. Sometimes we need to get off the court and study the other players and see if we are all playing in the same game of life. I hope you know that I'm truly hoping the best for you.

You are not a failure, you are a success in progress. You must dig through lead to find your gold. The past doesn't matter, the future does not exist, there is only now. Take your time licking your wounds but embrace each moment that you have been given.

You may not want to here this, but know that I am always with you in spirit...each and every day that comes to pass. Even as I write this and as you read this.

Know that I have a new understanding of reality that may be of some help to you:
Chaos births Order and from Order will rise Chaos. This is the nature of the universe, the cause and effect, the yin and yang.
Take care for now, hope this helps.
Love eternal.

[madyabyum]

Not that this realistically needs explaining but of course, I have nothing to do with any Serge Yee related agenda.

You know that.

[madyabyum]

It was good to hear your voice ad talk to you today. I meant what I said, it will never die. Remember to allow yourself to hold happiness. You absolutely deserve it contrary to what you have held onto for so long as a gospel of misery. Love yourself as so many of us do. There is so much love in this world for you if you would only see you for who you are... a beautiful being. Ah, so much more to say and always so little time.
Be kind to yourself,
We that love thee.

[madyabyum]

This first, because I'm listening to it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4MWVb6yR2s

[madyabyum]

Found this. No hidden meaning, just thought you'd find it funny.

[madyabyum]

I love this song. It rocks, I have it on my IPOD. I remember when he first put it out, I used to laugh my ass off! Soooo true...it's sad.
The human condition. Thanks for sharing.

Thinking of you.

[madyabyum]

I ran across this and it reminds me of you...it makes me cry. I hope you enjoy it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2mvlzsP2Jc

Re: Thinking of you.

[madyabyum]

Actually, that should have been this link instead.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqkPN9vhWCs

Re: Thinking of you.

[madyabyum]

Thank you. That was a really great song. :)

Re: Thinking of you.

[madyabyum]

I meant to tell you but forgot that it's funny Chris Kwasny is getting married because not too long ago at the Ren Fest he ran into my little sister and she called me that day to tell me he hung out there hitting on her lol.

Re: Thinking of you.

[madyabyum]

Yeah...that's Chris for you. I wish him well.

Glad you like the song and video. Two Souls to Console. Maybe we've been here before, doing the same things we do now and we are fated to do them again and again. In that respect, fates intertwined, I take comfort and breathe a sigh of hope for the next go round.