From A 2004 Journal Entry (#3)
The cat sleeps in my arms on its back, cradled, vulnerable; the way no one's ever been for me. Belly open.
Like a child.
My mother, yesterday, "Your life is destroyed. You'll never do anything with yourself, and I hope you see that. I hope you see that you've failed, Jacqui. And there's very, very little hope of you recovering yourself."
My "self"?
self...
recover? my "self"?
And it's so peculiar. So quiet. So goddamned lonely here, in this alternate reality where I believe that I'm not so bad, really. I can't be, can I?
"No wonder he left you. Who would want to live with someone like you?"
I don't know.
How should I fucking know?
I alternate between delusion and void and shades of autumn where I shed skin and personality, remaking and perfecting. Chisel, shave, snap.
Someone tell me, please.
My father:
"Jackie,
Why don't you disappear, nobody needs you around! Taylor[my sister], especially at her age does not need the constant rejection from someone she loves. I wouldn't take her love for granted, you're wearing thin on her as you do on everyone. I'm sure you will think I want you to feel guilty, I don't. I want you to leave Taylor alone and not build up false hope. She doesn't deserve it. Just leave her alone!"
And everytime I think I'm looking, I'm just looking down.
Like a child.
My mother, yesterday, "Your life is destroyed. You'll never do anything with yourself, and I hope you see that. I hope you see that you've failed, Jacqui. And there's very, very little hope of you recovering yourself."
My "self"?
self...
recover? my "self"?
And it's so peculiar. So quiet. So goddamned lonely here, in this alternate reality where I believe that I'm not so bad, really. I can't be, can I?
"No wonder he left you. Who would want to live with someone like you?"
I don't know.
How should I fucking know?
I alternate between delusion and void and shades of autumn where I shed skin and personality, remaking and perfecting. Chisel, shave, snap.
Someone tell me, please.
My father:
"Jackie,
Why don't you disappear, nobody needs you around! Taylor[my sister], especially at her age does not need the constant rejection from someone she loves. I wouldn't take her love for granted, you're wearing thin on her as you do on everyone. I'm sure you will think I want you to feel guilty, I don't. I want you to leave Taylor alone and not build up false hope. She doesn't deserve it. Just leave her alone!"
And everytime I think I'm looking, I'm just looking down.