(no subject)
Okay dear imaginary readers...I have a story to tell, a story of a lonely peasant girl who's life has been long and hard in a very short amount of time. She is stronger then ten men and wiser then any fortune teller. She's lived many lives, but has only one dream. She has faced the greatest odds and lives to tell of them. Her weaknesses are that she loves only one man that she knows not if he truly loves her back and that her heart is still pure after all the toxins she has walked through.
I'm awaiting to hear from my financial aid adviser to find out if I have won my dependency status. My parents want nothing to do with me. I was in a car accident last Wednesday...I kind of hoped that might be a wake up call to my folks...it wasn't. Jason...aka love of my life....although I'm beginning to have doubts, has taken as much care of me lately as my parents have so I'm having a hard time coping with that.
He's a marine and we don't live in the same place right now so I understand...I've been UNDERSTANDING....but isn't there a point where even understanding means that I get a say.... that just because I "understand" doesn't make what's going on is right or okay. I'm thinking that moving on is really becoming an option. We've been together off and on for a year and I don't know if i hoped that it would get easier or if we would get closer...but either way we haven't accomplished anything in the way of making this fucked up whatever you want to call it...work. Worst of all...his family loves me and I love them like a second family. It hurts because I'm here with all of them and they remind me of him and instead of being happy I feel a sharp stab in the heart. I don't know what to do other then smile and pretend like he and I are all OK.
I need something else in my life. Something that distracts me from all the ugly and conflict...something that makes me happy and whole again. I turn to God and pray that one day it will all be fine, but all the chaos in my life and all the clutter stop me from seeing a clear blue sky.
I'm looking into things I haven't dreamed of in a while...like performing...in a circus. It sounds like a child's dream, but there was a time where I thought I could do it for real. On stage doing cartwheels and flips and crazy contortions. Painted and wrapped in exotic prints. It's ridiculous and I might be starting a little late, but I'm working on getting back into physical shape that will allow me to do the stunts and tricks I did five years ago.
I want to do something with my life. I want to feel the thrill of being alive and doing the things I love. I want to dream again. This so called life I'm living has been on the mediocre side and I'm not cut out for this. I need new and exciting...it's time to shed this skin and start anew.
I'm awaiting to hear from my financial aid adviser to find out if I have won my dependency status. My parents want nothing to do with me. I was in a car accident last Wednesday...I kind of hoped that might be a wake up call to my folks...it wasn't. Jason...aka love of my life....although I'm beginning to have doubts, has taken as much care of me lately as my parents have so I'm having a hard time coping with that.
He's a marine and we don't live in the same place right now so I understand...I've been UNDERSTANDING....but isn't there a point where even understanding means that I get a say.... that just because I "understand" doesn't make what's going on is right or okay. I'm thinking that moving on is really becoming an option. We've been together off and on for a year and I don't know if i hoped that it would get easier or if we would get closer...but either way we haven't accomplished anything in the way of making this fucked up whatever you want to call it...work. Worst of all...his family loves me and I love them like a second family. It hurts because I'm here with all of them and they remind me of him and instead of being happy I feel a sharp stab in the heart. I don't know what to do other then smile and pretend like he and I are all OK.
I need something else in my life. Something that distracts me from all the ugly and conflict...something that makes me happy and whole again. I turn to God and pray that one day it will all be fine, but all the chaos in my life and all the clutter stop me from seeing a clear blue sky.
I'm looking into things I haven't dreamed of in a while...like performing...in a circus. It sounds like a child's dream, but there was a time where I thought I could do it for real. On stage doing cartwheels and flips and crazy contortions. Painted and wrapped in exotic prints. It's ridiculous and I might be starting a little late, but I'm working on getting back into physical shape that will allow me to do the stunts and tricks I did five years ago.
I want to do something with my life. I want to feel the thrill of being alive and doing the things I love. I want to dream again. This so called life I'm living has been on the mediocre side and I'm not cut out for this. I need new and exciting...it's time to shed this skin and start anew.