Fic -- Hero of This Story (Don't Need to Be Saved) [4/9]
“Hey, Katelyn?” Erin said, poking into the kitchen with a pen and paper in hand.
Katelyn looked up from the sink where her hands were pruning in soapy dishwater. She had sort of forgotten, the first time Erin had come to her in a huff asking her to “contribute,” how much she had sort of sickly enjoyed washing dishes. It sent her into some tranquil place that she couldn’t quite explain. There was something about splashing in the water and cleaning spots off of cheap glassware that took Katelyn away from the conflicting pangs in her chest and the guilty pictures she replayed through her mind.
“Yeah?”
Erin quirked an eyebrow at her and spoke gently, with a hint of suspicion in her voice, “You’re smiling. I asked you to do the dishes and you’re smiling.”
“So?”
“Never mind,” she said, looking bemused by the whole situation. “Do you need any groceries?” She caught herself before Katelyn could speak, “And do not say Cheetos or chocolate ice cream.”
Katelyn shut her mouth and shot Erin a look.
Erin laughed and peeked into the fridge, “You are such a teenager sometimes.”
Katelyn rolled her eyes, “You are such an old woman. We’re barely twenty by earth standards.”
Erin’s eyebrows knitted up on her face. “Do you really think that? That we’re that young?”
Katelyn sighed softly instead of answering. She knew that she wasn’t some twenty-year-old kid. She hadn’t been a kid since she had left home so many years ago. She felt older every single day of her life, which she supposed had to be true for everyone. But since Lucy had died, Katelyn was sure that she was aging years every single morning that she woke up.
She looked up from the dishes and saw Erin staring at her with her hands on her waist and her hip popped. Katelyn smiled a little.
Erin made her feel a little younger.
“What’s the worst that junk food could do to us?”
Erin sat deeper in her hip, accentuating the curve of her waist. “I am not doing this.”
Katelyn chucked at Erin as she walked out of the kitchen, mumbling about processed food and preservatives and sugar and saturated fat intake.
“We need milk,” Katelyn shouted down the hallway with her damp hands hanging over the sink. She could almost feel Erin rolling her eyes on the other side of their apartment.
When Erin came back she had sandals on her feet and a long scarf wrapped around her shoulders. She grumbled as she made her way out of the door.
Katelyn plunged her hands back into the water and grabbed a cracked, porcelain pitcher. She traced a finger down the line of the crack, thinking about that rhyme that little Earth children said about touching cracks. She couldn’t place it, but she knew that something horrible was supposed to happen. Maybe that was the kind in the pavement or the plaster of walls, and cracks in your dishes didn’t count, but Katelyn didn’t care because she knew that she was cursed anyway. Nothing could keep her from touching that crack, because nothing could keep her life from spiraling out of control every time she seemed to get her footing.
She rinsed the pitcher and set it on the counter top. There was no point, as Erin would say, in sitting around and moping, especially not when she needed to head out of the door for work. It was a new release day, so she couldn’t afford to be late; not unless she wanted to spend all day in the back room, checking used vinyl for quality. She was surprised that it wasn't a reward anymore. Katelyn Tarver was actually starting to enjoy talking to people.
--
“Hey, lady,” Erin said, brown eyes sparkling, as Katelyn trudged into the door, “how are you?”
“Fine. Tired,” Katelyn said dragging a hand through her hair and smiling a little as she saw Erin peeling vegetables at the countertop. “Roasted carrots again?”
Erin slammed the knife on the counter and snapped her head over her shoulder to look at Katelyn, “Do you have any better suggestions?”
“I wasn’t complaining,” Katelyn said softly. “Long day at work?” she added touching the tips of Erin’s pony tale absentmindedly.
“Sorry. Some people should just really think about waxing their backs,” Erin said grimly.
Katelyn chuckled softly, opening the fridge to see what sorts of health food Erin was going to try to pass off as edible today. By the sound of the knife hitting the cutting board with a thud, Katelyn knew that Erin's bad day was about something more that just massaging people who looked like they were still wearing their sweaters. She touched the small of Erin’s back softly, like she had done many times before; but this time, Erin stiffened under Katelyn’s long fingers.
“Kate?” Erin said quietly. Katelyn sort of loved that Erin was calling her something of her own. As much as she wanted it to bother her, she couldn’t find herself to be anything but comforted and excited when her name fell off of Erin’s lips.
“Mm-hmm,” she mumbled, chewing slowly on a piece of carrot that she had just popped into her mouth.
“What are we…” she closed her eyes and shook her head. Katelyn was starting to understand Erin’s soft smile that meant she doubted herself. Katelyn was really starting to hate that look and really starting to hate that she was always the cause of it. Erin smacked her lips before she opened her eyes to look at Katelyn again. Her eyes focused in on her like she was the only thing in the whole wide world. “What were you like before?”
“Before the accident? Or before Lucy?” Katelyn said with a soft sigh.
“You were different before you two…”
“I changed,” she paused, trying to get the right words together, “while we were together.” Katelyn needed all the strength she had to get the thought out, so she gently leaned herself back against the countertop. She had known that Erin would ask what happened with them; she had known this question was coming since she had walked out of that fuzzy place of anger and sadness. She knew she would have to deal with it eventually. Erin made everything sort of inevitable. “Things between us… they were almost perfect at the beginning. I loved her the minute I saw her, even if she never believed that. But by the time she…” Katelyn tapered off, too afraid of the truth to keep going, but feeling deep down like she had to say these things for herself, and for Lucy, and especially for Erin.
She owed them all at least that much.
“I did some things. To her. To us-”
But Erin stepped up to her and laid one finger across Katelyn’s lips, staring into her eyes. She was close enough that Katelyn could see that the circumference of the mole on her lip was the tiniest bit asymmetrical. “Don’t,” Erin said, her eyes all sympathy and softness, “You don’t need to tell me what happened. You don’t need to say it right now.”
Katelyn grabbed the fingers touching her lips and held them gently, rubbing the tiny callous on Erin’s index finger. Her other hand moved to Erin’s waist, pulling her a step closer without even thinking about it.
Erin’s voice was breathy when she spoke, and Katelyn could feel the warmth of it on her neck. “What were you like back then?”
Katelyn had to clear away a lump in her throat before she could speak. “I was…” she paused, thinking back to who she was before she lost everything. She laughed quietly. “Funny. I mean, fun to be around and free spirited and happy. And I was nicer.” She was mumbling the last word, trying not to feel ashamed at what she had become.
Erin nodded softly, eyes trained on Katelyn, reassuring her words. She had raised herself up to her tiptoes, so they were eye to eye. Katelyn didn’t know how Erin had gotten so close, but it didn’t matter and she certainly didn’t mind.
“I’m trying to be those things again,” she spoke into Erin’s mouth.
Before Katelyn knew it, Erin’s soft lips brushed against hers. She barely registered how warm and full they were before the magnetic force that had been keeping them apart was pulling them together. The hand Katelyn had left on Erin’s waist pulled them close, clashing their bodies together. Erin pressed harder on Katelyn’s mouth, nibbling softly on her bottom lip. Katelyn ran on instinct that she forgot she had and gently prodded her tongue into Erin’s mouth. Katelyn’s hands wound tighter around Erin’s body, locking her there; she would have been perfectly content if the raspberry taste floating around from Erin’s mouth never left her tongue. Erin’s neck started to tilt back a little as she eased to her flat feet. Katelyn took a hand off of her waist and ran one finger up and down Erin’s long neck. Erin pressed their lips together so hard that Katelyn wondered if she was trying to weld them shut.
She probably wouldn’t have minded if it had happened.
Katelyn opened her eyes and tried not to wince as Erin pulled back with a blinding grin on her face. Katelyn drank in Erin standing there with a big smile and closed eyes, looking like she wasn’t quite ready to be back in the tiny kitchen where she had to finish making dinner.
Erin’s voice trembled as she spoke, “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”
Katelyn laughed and pulled her in close, hugging Erin’s slim shoulders tightly. She licked her swollen lips, smelling the jasmine wafting out of Erin’s hair. Erin moved her hands down from around Katelyn’s waist and wormed them into the back pockets of Katelyn jeans. Katelyn worked hard not to let her hips squirm with Erin’s hands on her. She couldn’t help it as her back arched a bit, pressing her ribs into Erin’s breasts.
Erin took her head off of Katelyn’s shoulders, staring at her red lips.
“You hungry?” she asked, her voice raspy and her breath whispering itself in puffs on Katelyn’s neck. She bit her bottom lip, and Katelyn worked hard not to be irrationally jealous of Erin’s own teeth.
“Not at all.”
They tumbled into Erin’s bedroom, pulling at lips with teeth and clothes with anxious fingers. Katelyn hoped just a little that she hadn’t forgotten what she was doing; Katelyn never was particularly good at orienting her feet and balance on a bicycle. But Erin was mouthing at her neck and there was a moan slipping out of her lips. Katelyn has no idea how she could have thought she forgot what she was doing. Katelyn pulled Erin’s t-shirt off, because she had absolutely no time for it. She tried to keep her eyes closed, to relish the feeling of Erin’s tongue flicking over her jawbone, but Erin wa wearing this blush-colored, lace bra. Katelyn felt overwhelmed, like she had spun herself too fast in one of those spinning teacups at amusement parks.
Erin was tugging on the button of Katelyn’s jeans, her fingers brushing softly against the delicate skin that pulled taught between Katelyn’s hipbones. Katelyn tried desperately not to panic. There was no reason to feel like she was betraying Lucy’s memory.
Katelyn wasn’t sure why she respected a ghost more than she had ever taken care of the living girl that she had loved for so long, and she hated herself for that.
She grabbed Erin’s hands in one of her own and used the other to turn Erin’s chin up towards her own. Erin’s face was a little wild, but there was so much kindness in her eyes that it made a lump grow in Katelyn’s throat. It wasn’t just Lucy that played on her mind; she couldn’t do this until Erin knew the whole truth.
“I have to tell you something,” she said, stroking Erin’s hair behind her ear.
Erin mumbled a response and nuzzled her cheek in Katelyn’s hand.
“No. Erin. I…” she said, walking to the bed and sitting down. Erin stood in front of her; Katelyn rested her head on the pale curve of her stomach. “I have to tell you something. I haven’t… I haven’t…”
Erin rubbed Katelyn’s shoulders softly. “You haven’t done this since Lucy died?”
“No. I mean, yes,” Katelyn worked hard to control the words that came out of her mouth, because she knew the tidal wave of secrets was coming eventually. “I haven’t since, but…”
“You have only been with her?”
Katelyn could have laughed if she had been in a different mental place. She could have laughed if the early-evening light wasn’t spilling onto both of them or if Erin wasn’t touching her gently or if she didn’t feel so damn vulnerable.
“No,” she sighed. “Erin, I haven’t told you the truth about everything.” She paused, watching Erin trying to cover her shock, but there had been the fleeting second where she looked like Katelyn had slapped her across the face. “Lucy and I weren’t… Our relationship wasn’t perfect. Our relationship was as far as it could have gotten from perfect. She must have hated me by the time she died."
The silence ate at her, but it made it even harder to speak. She was terrified by the way Erin listened. She was terrified of being heard.
“I cheated on her. Repeatedly.”
“Oh,” Erin said.
Katelyn could tell that she was trying to find something to say. Erin was the kind of girl that would try to reassure you when you were the one that was horrible and had hurt far too many people without even trying.
“It-I know it isn’t an excuse. I know that I shouldn’t have done it, but-Things were horrible when I started. Things were… we were killing each other. And I wanted to work on it, but Lucy just threw her head in the sand. Some days I wonder if she ever cared about us at all. And I got into that headspace. I was going home with different girls every night."
Katelyn gaped at the air around her, wondering who said all of those things, and why she believed them. Tears started to form in her eyes, spilling down her cheeks, without a fight. When Erin sat down on the bed with her, holding her closely, Katelyn choked on a sob.
“I’m so sorry, Erin. I’m so sorry,” she said between gasps.
“Why are you sorry? You’re fine,” Erin said, hushing and stroking her hair.
“For doing that, for not telling you before you came into my bedroom now. For crying,” she sighed. “I’m so sorry.”
“Shh. Now stop. Don’t be sorry. I like knowing things about you. I like it when you tell me things, whenever you chose to tell me. I like it that you trust me now.”
Katelyn's sobs filled the room for longer than she have would liked to admit. Finally, they tapered off to sniffles and coughs and sighs, filled with so much self-loathing that they nearly poisoned the air in that tiny room.
“Kate?” Erin said when it was obvious that neither could take the silence anymore. “Kate, are you listening to me?” Katelyn shook her head into Erin’s neck. “I’m not angry about any of this. I’m not upset. I’m kind of worried about you. But I-I need you to know that I don’t care about anything that happened with Lucy if you're healed from them. You think things were perfect with Tori and me? You think we didn’t screw around behind the other’s back? It doesn't matter. None of that matters. The past doesn’t matter to me. You matter to me.”
Katelyn looked up at her. “You… care about me?”
“Yes. And I like knowing things about you,” she laughed. “You know, it’s killing me not to read your mind. You have no idea how much I want to know what’s going on inside that thick skull of yours. So, yes, I like it when you tell me so I’m not so damn tempted.”
“I like chocolate ice cream,” she said, kissing Erin softly on the lips.
“I knew that,” Erin said, moving in for another peck.
“I hate tea,” she kissed her again.
“I knew that.”
“I love music,” she said, kissing her again, longer and deeper. Erin kissed her back, wrapping her arms together until she was practically on Katelyn’s lap. Their mouths and hands moved together, wrapping them up in each other, just as before. But this time Erin’s mouth was slow and gentle-healing instead of hungry.
“I’m good at tennis.”
“That isn’t a secret. You are incredibly strong and fast. That’s your whole schtick,” Erin mumbled into the well of Katelyn’s shoulder with a smile.
“I care about you more than I’ve cared about anything in a long time.”
Erin didn’t respond; she held on tighter and kissed more deeply. Her fingers hovered over Katelyn’s skin like they were on fire.
Katelyn didn’t mind the slow melting feeling it gave her. Her heart had been ice for so long, maybe a little fire was just what she needed.
As she squirmed and sighed under Erin’s fingers, she laid them both back on the bed. Erin looked up into Katelyn’s eyes, arching one brow at her.
Before Katelyn could nod, the familiar beeping of the monitor went haywire. They both sighed and fell back onto the bed. The listened carefully to the message that told them about the change in the mission-to be ready in an hour, to be prepared to move to California, and the mysterious allusion to this mission that they couldn’t yet explain to them.
Erin sighed and watched Katelyn clamber off of the bed and to her closet where she started to pull things off of the shelf.
Katelyn looked back at her with just a little bit of disappointment in her eyes. “I’m also really good at moving.”