Damn it.
I think I'm getting sick. I have a really sore throat, and I'm very congested. So basically I'm just really uncomfortable right now, and that sucks. But what can you do? My parents will most definitely make me go to school, especially because of what happened.
Speaking of what happened, it seems I can't talk about it to people really, except to my close friends or to people I don't go to school with. But, for whatever reason, I can't talk about it with Ellie. I guess I'm just embarrassed or something. I'm not sure why. But I just don't want to think about it. All I can think about are drugs and being in love. Both are things I've never experienced. I'm so curious about both I want to burst. It's weird, I just feel this longing to be somewhere else right now. Where, I never know. But I do know that I want something out of life that I'm not getting. And it kills me to feel this way. But what can I do? Am I going to be like this my whole life? That prospect is so scary to me; I can't begin to describe it. I don't want to be the way I am, barely making it through the winter and annoying everyone and missing out on things. I want to be what I am destined to be, and maybe what I'm destined to be is dead.
Annie had this toy gun last night and it freaked me the hell out. You could just pull the trigger so easily, and it scared me. With just one squeeze of the trigger, you can end it all.
My friend Frankie once said that it was really scary for her, because she'd look around and everything she saw she could think of some way to kill herself with it - whether it was a piece of rope, a battery, a plastic bag, pills, whatever - it was just overwhelming. And I know how that feels now. It's so scary feeling like this. Everything just feels fucked up.
Someone just called me as I was writing this, crying. Home's apparently really bad right now. This person's dad is an alcoholic, and the person's dad just told her to fuck off. I guess it doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but when it's your dad screaming expletives at you when he's drunk and you're depressed as is, it can be a recipe for disaster. I hope everything works out okay for you.
Leave some comments for me. Cheer me up.
--Kayla
Speaking of what happened, it seems I can't talk about it to people really, except to my close friends or to people I don't go to school with. But, for whatever reason, I can't talk about it with Ellie. I guess I'm just embarrassed or something. I'm not sure why. But I just don't want to think about it. All I can think about are drugs and being in love. Both are things I've never experienced. I'm so curious about both I want to burst. It's weird, I just feel this longing to be somewhere else right now. Where, I never know. But I do know that I want something out of life that I'm not getting. And it kills me to feel this way. But what can I do? Am I going to be like this my whole life? That prospect is so scary to me; I can't begin to describe it. I don't want to be the way I am, barely making it through the winter and annoying everyone and missing out on things. I want to be what I am destined to be, and maybe what I'm destined to be is dead.
Annie had this toy gun last night and it freaked me the hell out. You could just pull the trigger so easily, and it scared me. With just one squeeze of the trigger, you can end it all.
My friend Frankie once said that it was really scary for her, because she'd look around and everything she saw she could think of some way to kill herself with it - whether it was a piece of rope, a battery, a plastic bag, pills, whatever - it was just overwhelming. And I know how that feels now. It's so scary feeling like this. Everything just feels fucked up.
Someone just called me as I was writing this, crying. Home's apparently really bad right now. This person's dad is an alcoholic, and the person's dad just told her to fuck off. I guess it doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but when it's your dad screaming expletives at you when he's drunk and you're depressed as is, it can be a recipe for disaster. I hope everything works out okay for you.
Leave some comments for me. Cheer me up.
--Kayla