Mine Feels instead of mind fields
I'm depressed. I could analyze what the triggers were, but since I'm feeling all alone no matter who's around, I'm going to leave it at the fact that all my close people have special someones and are building a life with them.
I keep trying to be social, but the introvert is strong in me and I can't make myself go out and see people. I'm getting anxiety when I try. So it's my fault that I'm alone. I can't cut myself off from humanity and then bitch that my tiny feelings are hurt because I'm cut off from humanity. But that's what this is anyway.
Today the loneliness is pressing in on me. It feels like I'm completely isolated. I have a loving daughter and am on good terms with my ex and her fiance. There are people who would miss me if I were gone. But there's nobody for me to share the joy of a good day, or the pain of a bad day. I have nobody that I can surprise with flowers or poetry at random times. I have nobody who I can share my life with. I'm not even sure that my life is worth sharing at this point.
I'm pretty sure that if I planned it right it would take a week for anybody to realize that I wasn't around. Not that I'm thinking of not being around, but a week isn't so long. I've been more isolated than that before.
I know that the depression is a liar, it whispers things that I know aren't true, it shades the truth in such a fashion as to make all the worst interpretations, the correct ones, or at least the obvious ones. It narrows my field of vision until there is nothing on the horizon but itself. Endless depression, waking death, tip toeing through the mine feels.
I know these things with my mind but I don't feel them in my heart. I've always been driven by both and it's hard when the horses want to pull the chariot in too different directions and I don't seem to have any reigns.
Bah, there is nothing to be done because I'm not going to find somebody, and nobody is looking to find me. I will slog through this mine feel and I will come out on the other side remembering that I don't need anybody else to make me feel whole. I am enough all by myself.
But I don't want to be.
I keep trying to be social, but the introvert is strong in me and I can't make myself go out and see people. I'm getting anxiety when I try. So it's my fault that I'm alone. I can't cut myself off from humanity and then bitch that my tiny feelings are hurt because I'm cut off from humanity. But that's what this is anyway.
Today the loneliness is pressing in on me. It feels like I'm completely isolated. I have a loving daughter and am on good terms with my ex and her fiance. There are people who would miss me if I were gone. But there's nobody for me to share the joy of a good day, or the pain of a bad day. I have nobody that I can surprise with flowers or poetry at random times. I have nobody who I can share my life with. I'm not even sure that my life is worth sharing at this point.
I'm pretty sure that if I planned it right it would take a week for anybody to realize that I wasn't around. Not that I'm thinking of not being around, but a week isn't so long. I've been more isolated than that before.
I know that the depression is a liar, it whispers things that I know aren't true, it shades the truth in such a fashion as to make all the worst interpretations, the correct ones, or at least the obvious ones. It narrows my field of vision until there is nothing on the horizon but itself. Endless depression, waking death, tip toeing through the mine feels.
I know these things with my mind but I don't feel them in my heart. I've always been driven by both and it's hard when the horses want to pull the chariot in too different directions and I don't seem to have any reigns.
Bah, there is nothing to be done because I'm not going to find somebody, and nobody is looking to find me. I will slog through this mine feel and I will come out on the other side remembering that I don't need anybody else to make me feel whole. I am enough all by myself.
But I don't want to be.