another emo tirade which you are honestly better off skipping
I'm trying to figure out why I'm so bad at things.
I mean, I'm not bad at EVERYTHING, just...important things? Things that any other reasonable person might prioritize. Maybe it's my subconscious' way of saying "fuck you, society" because apparently I don't already do that enough consciously. I am capable of planning a schedule, just not in any situation that matters for anything. Although, come to think of it, isn't the only reason that ever works that I leave 2 or 3 hours tacked onto every big plan for the things that will inevitably go wrong? And even then end up late? So maybe I actually am bad at everything but I try to keep to situations where my apparently unavoidable fuckups will go unnoticed.
Maybe once I feel obligated to someone else, I find myself incapable of taking action.
Maybe I'm just flaky and lazy and everything everyone hates about a person.
I mean, I don't think I'm a bad person but my opinion is obviously biased.
Just, what the fuck, self.
And I mean, without a car and a credit card I'd be even worse, and I do nothing to earn those things. But what am I supposed to do, just go "oh hey it's fine, you can take it back to the dealership, no big deal"? It is a big deal. Without an escape route I feel my patience slowly dissolving. I get edgy. But from an objective standpoint, don't people become more upstanding when deprived of an escape route? More...acceptable?
I don't want to just become acceptable for the sake of doing so.
Although, I suppose a part of me does. I spent a long time trying to reconcile that, but obviously because it was something important I managed to fuck that one up. I still have to convince myself once in a while that I want other people to care about me. It hasn't been going well. But on some level that lesson is burned into me like a scar on my emo emo kid soul.
Unrelatedly, I wish my parents would have bought me a Hanukkah present. Even considering all of the shit they normally provide me with. I don't even want anything really, but just a trinket would have been nice. A menorah. A stuffed animal or a t-shirt or something. I guess I have enough of both of those things. And it's not like they could have given me jewelry or anything because we both know I'd have taken that the wrong way. And it's not like they never spare any cash on my behalf, and it's not like I need them to prove they care about me...I'd have just really liked the quick rush of getting something.
Because fuck you, emotional support, what matters are things, right? There is literally no train of thought I can follow without getting somewhere that makes me hate myself. Even having made my peace with some of the rest of the world.
Everyone tries their best to live, and be happy, and make the people around them happy, right? Oh yeah. Everyone except me.
I'm so much more comfortable with liking myself and hating everyone else. The weight of the world being fucked up, is, for some reason, so much lighter than the weight of me being fucked up. This probably says loads about all the ways I'm a bad person, and honestly, I find it shocking that you all even pretend to put up with me. I don't understand how people can come to be friends without some kind of common interest, but honestly, does that even count? Who would put up with me if I didn't like X or play Y? My family? And even then, it'd just be obligation born of shared genetic data. When they're all 40 and 50 and have families, who the hell am I going to be? Just some loser aunt who brings video games and candy because she's got nobody who would even be willing to spend time with her.
I'm not evil. Just reprehensible. Maybe evil people don't exist. Just people without any real likable aspects to their character. Just people who liked themselves just enough so that they could delude themselves into thinking that nobody else really mattered. If that is evil, I suppose I'm no better, right?
So there you have it. I've somehow worked my way from "can't manage things well" to "basically Hitler". It's like self-applied Godwin's law. Maybe the reason I'm so bad at things is that when I do bother trying to think seriously, this happens.
I mean, I'm not bad at EVERYTHING, just...important things? Things that any other reasonable person might prioritize. Maybe it's my subconscious' way of saying "fuck you, society" because apparently I don't already do that enough consciously. I am capable of planning a schedule, just not in any situation that matters for anything. Although, come to think of it, isn't the only reason that ever works that I leave 2 or 3 hours tacked onto every big plan for the things that will inevitably go wrong? And even then end up late? So maybe I actually am bad at everything but I try to keep to situations where my apparently unavoidable fuckups will go unnoticed.
Maybe once I feel obligated to someone else, I find myself incapable of taking action.
Maybe I'm just flaky and lazy and everything everyone hates about a person.
I mean, I don't think I'm a bad person but my opinion is obviously biased.
Just, what the fuck, self.
And I mean, without a car and a credit card I'd be even worse, and I do nothing to earn those things. But what am I supposed to do, just go "oh hey it's fine, you can take it back to the dealership, no big deal"? It is a big deal. Without an escape route I feel my patience slowly dissolving. I get edgy. But from an objective standpoint, don't people become more upstanding when deprived of an escape route? More...acceptable?
I don't want to just become acceptable for the sake of doing so.
Although, I suppose a part of me does. I spent a long time trying to reconcile that, but obviously because it was something important I managed to fuck that one up. I still have to convince myself once in a while that I want other people to care about me. It hasn't been going well. But on some level that lesson is burned into me like a scar on my emo emo kid soul.
Unrelatedly, I wish my parents would have bought me a Hanukkah present. Even considering all of the shit they normally provide me with. I don't even want anything really, but just a trinket would have been nice. A menorah. A stuffed animal or a t-shirt or something. I guess I have enough of both of those things. And it's not like they could have given me jewelry or anything because we both know I'd have taken that the wrong way. And it's not like they never spare any cash on my behalf, and it's not like I need them to prove they care about me...I'd have just really liked the quick rush of getting something.
Because fuck you, emotional support, what matters are things, right? There is literally no train of thought I can follow without getting somewhere that makes me hate myself. Even having made my peace with some of the rest of the world.
Everyone tries their best to live, and be happy, and make the people around them happy, right? Oh yeah. Everyone except me.
I'm so much more comfortable with liking myself and hating everyone else. The weight of the world being fucked up, is, for some reason, so much lighter than the weight of me being fucked up. This probably says loads about all the ways I'm a bad person, and honestly, I find it shocking that you all even pretend to put up with me. I don't understand how people can come to be friends without some kind of common interest, but honestly, does that even count? Who would put up with me if I didn't like X or play Y? My family? And even then, it'd just be obligation born of shared genetic data. When they're all 40 and 50 and have families, who the hell am I going to be? Just some loser aunt who brings video games and candy because she's got nobody who would even be willing to spend time with her.
I'm not evil. Just reprehensible. Maybe evil people don't exist. Just people without any real likable aspects to their character. Just people who liked themselves just enough so that they could delude themselves into thinking that nobody else really mattered. If that is evil, I suppose I'm no better, right?
So there you have it. I've somehow worked my way from "can't manage things well" to "basically Hitler". It's like self-applied Godwin's law. Maybe the reason I'm so bad at things is that when I do bother trying to think seriously, this happens.