My last update was WHEN?!?!
Okay, I don't know who I'm writing to, so I don't know if I should bother with writing as if I have an audience, but here's my excuse anyway:
I stopped writing because every time I sit down to write in this thing, it forces me to think about my life. Since I'm pessimistic by nature, I look back and see nothing but sheer, utter crappiness. Then, I think about how crappy it all is, and I write about it, and the words of crappiness materializing on the page make it all seem worse. So then I read the words to myself, and it just continues to seem sadder and sadder. So the short version is that my life and my livejournal make me very depressed. And that's why I quit writing in it.
So here I am again, writing away for no real reason, at 11:47 at night. I was gathering sources for my research paper, and once I was done I just wandered. I explain myself WAY too much. If people want to know, they'll ask. This shall be my mantra. Of course, a lot of times that kind of thinking causes me to bottle my emotions up and be all anti-social.
Okay, moving on.
Right now.
Roger that.
Heh.
Okay, really.
The tenth was me and Kyle's 8 month anniversary. Yes, I still love him just as much as always. All that's changed there is that I've become more aware of my beliefe that he's too good for me. So, I have this growing sense of paranoia about him leaving me. *takes a deep breath* I just have to make myself believe that he really loves me. It upsets Kyle that I have so many doubts, and that I can't trust that he really does love me, and that he's not just saying it. It upsets me, too, of course, but it upsets me more because it upsets him. I think I'll shut up about it now, but now at least you know about that and I've gotten it all out of my system. So maybe that wasn't just a bunch of pointless rambling incoherence.
Of course there's more Kyle stuff, though. He now works third shift (that is 10:00 p.m. to 7:00 a.m.) at Wal*Mart. The pay is so much better than Domino's that it makes me laugh. The hours seem much better for him now that he's not having to go to school during the day. His stupid mom didn't budget to send him to Calhoun for this semester, so no school for Kyle at the moment. He'll be going to Montevallo in the fall, though, and that's one of those things that gets me more upset than anything right now. I really really don't want him to leave, because I'll miss him, but I really do want him to go so he can get a good education and persue his dream of going to SCAD and becoming a comic book artist. I just know how much I'm going to miss him, and I'm not exactly looking forward to it. Plus I'm also worried that he's going to find some girl that he likes better than me. He says it'll never happen, but how can he be sure, you know? I really just need to learn to enjoy the present.
I ♥ Phantom of the Opera!
Kyle said that he might try to get us tickets to go see it live for our 1 year anniversary. It would rock, but I don't think it's running anywhere near us this year. It's a very sweet thought, though.
My OCD issues seem to be getting steadily worse. I just can't seem to stop. Not even if I'm hurting myself. I'm afraid that I'll be completely insane by the time I'm an adult. Like, 'in need of institutionalization', insane.
PMS type stuff is getting worse, too. Major rapid mood-swings and the like. Would birth control help? Anyone? I'd give mucho cookie points to anyone who could give info on this one, because PMS for me is like being a pregnant woman. It just sucks.
Speaking of birth control....heh....yeeeeeah....ehm
Ahem...hrrmmm...(don't worry, no way could I be pregnant, and protection was used)
Not that anyone would want to know any of that, but it's MY journal, so I'll write what I want.
It's midnight now, so I think I'll go to bed.
I ♥ Kyle
Buh-bye!
♥Katie♥
I stopped writing because every time I sit down to write in this thing, it forces me to think about my life. Since I'm pessimistic by nature, I look back and see nothing but sheer, utter crappiness. Then, I think about how crappy it all is, and I write about it, and the words of crappiness materializing on the page make it all seem worse. So then I read the words to myself, and it just continues to seem sadder and sadder. So the short version is that my life and my livejournal make me very depressed. And that's why I quit writing in it.
So here I am again, writing away for no real reason, at 11:47 at night. I was gathering sources for my research paper, and once I was done I just wandered. I explain myself WAY too much. If people want to know, they'll ask. This shall be my mantra. Of course, a lot of times that kind of thinking causes me to bottle my emotions up and be all anti-social.
Okay, moving on.
Right now.
Roger that.
Heh.
Okay, really.
The tenth was me and Kyle's 8 month anniversary. Yes, I still love him just as much as always. All that's changed there is that I've become more aware of my beliefe that he's too good for me. So, I have this growing sense of paranoia about him leaving me. *takes a deep breath* I just have to make myself believe that he really loves me. It upsets Kyle that I have so many doubts, and that I can't trust that he really does love me, and that he's not just saying it. It upsets me, too, of course, but it upsets me more because it upsets him. I think I'll shut up about it now, but now at least you know about that and I've gotten it all out of my system. So maybe that wasn't just a bunch of pointless rambling incoherence.
Of course there's more Kyle stuff, though. He now works third shift (that is 10:00 p.m. to 7:00 a.m.) at Wal*Mart. The pay is so much better than Domino's that it makes me laugh. The hours seem much better for him now that he's not having to go to school during the day. His stupid mom didn't budget to send him to Calhoun for this semester, so no school for Kyle at the moment. He'll be going to Montevallo in the fall, though, and that's one of those things that gets me more upset than anything right now. I really really don't want him to leave, because I'll miss him, but I really do want him to go so he can get a good education and persue his dream of going to SCAD and becoming a comic book artist. I just know how much I'm going to miss him, and I'm not exactly looking forward to it. Plus I'm also worried that he's going to find some girl that he likes better than me. He says it'll never happen, but how can he be sure, you know? I really just need to learn to enjoy the present.
I ♥ Phantom of the Opera!
Kyle said that he might try to get us tickets to go see it live for our 1 year anniversary. It would rock, but I don't think it's running anywhere near us this year. It's a very sweet thought, though.
My OCD issues seem to be getting steadily worse. I just can't seem to stop. Not even if I'm hurting myself. I'm afraid that I'll be completely insane by the time I'm an adult. Like, 'in need of institutionalization', insane.
PMS type stuff is getting worse, too. Major rapid mood-swings and the like. Would birth control help? Anyone? I'd give mucho cookie points to anyone who could give info on this one, because PMS for me is like being a pregnant woman. It just sucks.
Speaking of birth control....heh....yeeeeeah....ehm
Ahem...hrrmmm...(don't worry, no way could I be pregnant, and protection was used)
Not that anyone would want to know any of that, but it's MY journal, so I'll write what I want.
It's midnight now, so I think I'll go to bed.
I ♥ Kyle
Buh-bye!
♥Katie♥