(no subject)
I haven't had a blatantly good day in a while, not that any of them have been bad either, they've just been...
I still feel out of place back here at PLU. I want life to feel normal again. I don't want to feel like I'm hesitantly prodding at each day, not willing to just jump in. I guess I'm just still detached. I became quite detached over the summer to cope with feeling like I wasn't achieving anything and now I can't reattach to life. I hate being so escapist and insulated. I don't like living in my tightly closed shell, opening only for a select few people over the years. There have been times I have managed to be more open to everyone, but as Dru desribed me, I'm just "too Scandinavian" in some ways. I'll talk with almost anyone about almost anything, but there are a few things that no one has ever heard and even when I'm being open, I still maintain a certain distance in conversation as insulation. I used to hate my temper, fearing my anger and fearing that it was my strongest emotion becaue of how frequently it appears, but I've realized it is my weakest, shallowest emotion and so I display it as another act of insulation. I don't know whay I'm like this, or why it's the hardest thing for me to change. I think I'm scared. Scared that if I let myself become truly invested in anything other than my private euphoria of music and writing, I would literally explode. If I could truly appreciate each day for it's beauty, I think I would wander around in a daze, sobbing uncontrollably at how much I love everything around me. It terrifies me, and yet I want it so badly.
I still feel out of place back here at PLU. I want life to feel normal again. I don't want to feel like I'm hesitantly prodding at each day, not willing to just jump in. I guess I'm just still detached. I became quite detached over the summer to cope with feeling like I wasn't achieving anything and now I can't reattach to life. I hate being so escapist and insulated. I don't like living in my tightly closed shell, opening only for a select few people over the years. There have been times I have managed to be more open to everyone, but as Dru desribed me, I'm just "too Scandinavian" in some ways. I'll talk with almost anyone about almost anything, but there are a few things that no one has ever heard and even when I'm being open, I still maintain a certain distance in conversation as insulation. I used to hate my temper, fearing my anger and fearing that it was my strongest emotion becaue of how frequently it appears, but I've realized it is my weakest, shallowest emotion and so I display it as another act of insulation. I don't know whay I'm like this, or why it's the hardest thing for me to change. I think I'm scared. Scared that if I let myself become truly invested in anything other than my private euphoria of music and writing, I would literally explode. If I could truly appreciate each day for it's beauty, I think I would wander around in a daze, sobbing uncontrollably at how much I love everything around me. It terrifies me, and yet I want it so badly.