Long time no write
So my last post was almost two years ago. I had just graduated from college and was excited to embark on my life's adventure.
Well that was a fail. An epic fail.
2010 was a huge learning experience for me. I made a LOT of mistakes. More than I ever should have. I drank a lot, I acted like an immature ass and I also learned a lot about myself and who my true friends really are.
2011 has been full of ups and downs. I'm currently babysitting my cousin and working at my family's banquet hall and restaurant. I'm also currently in a relationship after three years of being a slut and generally making a lot of mistakes with men. He is usually the only person who can make me feel like life is worth it and he'll never know how much he has done to save me. Unfortunately, he is also the reason I feel the way I do right now and why I needed to write and to just get things off my chest.
I'm not going to write all the details, I'm not even sure what I'm going to say. I just needed to write, to take all the anxiety, the pressure, the awful unfulfilled feelings I have inside me. I'm trying to make myself feel better without doing what I would LOVE to do and hurt myself.
Last night I just drank 6 beers and cried my eyes out while he and I argued via text. I don't even know what the hell happened. Three days ago he's telling me how much he loves me, he's talking to me about how I am the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. The next thing I know he's telling me to come get my stuff on Monday and to not spend the night anymore. I pretty much live with him and I feel like he's pushing me out of his life. I'm worried I won't get to see him and the man who I have fallen in love with will no longer want to be with me. Or worse, I'll fall out of love with him. Yesterday was the worst because he just got pinned for his promotion to sergeant in the national guard. I wanted so badly to spend time with him, celebrate, show him how proud I am and I couldn't do that because he doesn't want to see me. It hurts because I'll never get that back. Then today he talks to my aunt about us and says I haven't been myself lately. He hasn't been himself lately, neither of us have been. We're stressed but he doesn't realize that.
So long story short I feel awful. I can't stop being weepy. People are noticing that I'm not my usual bubbly self. Every time I see him it's like someone is standing on my chest and I can't breathe. I hate this general sad, mopey, depressed feeling and I can't shake it and I'm terrified to see him tomorrow because what if he doesn't want me anymore? Love is stupid. I just worry that our constant bickering and these huge fights like this aren't normal. What if what I think is love is really not love? His questioning of me makes me question myself and makes me worry that mate I don't love him even though I know that I am.
It's not fair and it hurts and I hate it.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.