(no subject)
ok so i just lost a ton of stuff i just wrote ..i'll try to summ it up, this just mde me even more angry.
so as you may or may not know, today is my birthday. it has been going pretty badly, and i have been thinking a lot about stuff that upsets me.
today at lunch they guys across the hall were discussing the housing forms for next year. they have now deviated from the plans that i thought would be in effect. they're going to take gerard and make a whole big group by themselves leaving me out of the picture. so i guess i suck then. any way i thought that i would still be able too room with my current roomate, but as things turn out he is going to room with his friend paulie like i figured. so now i am stuck with titus. at first i thought maybe i could get allong with him, after all we are friends. but titus is loud and has little regard for others. he is always going 1000 miles an hour and cant lower the tone of his voice. he stays up late at night doing home work he had all day long to do. i just dont think i can deal with that kind of shit. so i dont know what the hell im going to do. i thought by now i would have known who my friends are. but there really is no one to trust, everyone will step on my face if it is convient for them. 80 % of the time thoes guys come into my room it is to borrow something of mine. not to mention one of them decided to vaccume up his friends puke with my vaccume at 3 in the morning. the other 20 % of the time they are just there to talk to my roomate which they clearly like better than me. so i guess i am a convient aquaintance at best.
i have also been really lonely. no matter what i do, i really feel like i have no one. im not trying to offend anyone, its just how i feel. i dont understand why girls dont like me. be it a physical problem, im not very big, im hairy, and really skinny. or maybe its just a personality problem. i am very passive and not at all aggressive. i would rather someone try to meet me than me meet them. and even if i do meet someone, i never ever ever ever have anything in common. girls arent interested in engineering, or science, or energy, or motorcycles, or physics or guitars. i dont play competative sports so that ally is out of the question. i just dont know what to say to someone that isnt going to make them bored to tears. and i always say stupid things. i sound like the akward kid cause i say something that is odd or off subject that they dont get. and like the saying goes " you gotta treat em rough to get the muff." im not about to be macho or any other primative male thing.
i love my guitar, she is my wife and the only girl for me. sure her body may not be so great, she is kinda old and missing some paint, full of scratches. ( i like my women like i like my trucks, old rusty and leaking oil.) but lately she's been getting me down. i have been playing for 6 years, and a lot of my friends are musicians. not once have i been invited to play with someone and actually had the plans go through. i always asked people if they wanted to jam, it was never an open ended suggestion. i just feel like a failure now. i still dont know a complete song and what i can play sucks at best. i dont care if i can move my fingers fast, if the sound coming out sucks no one will ever like it. i have thought about taking lessons again, but i really dont have the time for it, and even if i did i doubt that it would work, i am too set in my ways now. like a jedi that is too old and confused for training ( forgive my geek analogy). i just want to play something some day and for at least one person to honestly say what i played was good.
i just wish there was someone that could understand how hard it is to have friends that dont like the same things you like. when i hang out with my friends, im not usually doing what i like to do. i like welding and building stuff. you wil not find any person happer than seth joubert when he is building or fixing something. the problem is no else gets enthusiastic about it like i do. i always ask people if they want to build stuff with me. if you have read this far i have probably asked you to do something allong the lines of building something or working on something. its cause its what i enjoy doing. but not too many people are actually there to help, i want to share my interests and maybe perhaps the smidgeon of skill that i have. i cant do everything on my own, im tired of being alone. this kills me the most
i dont know what else to say, this has been eating at my insides for a long long time. i dont usually come clean about what bothers me, and i will have you know this is mostly the tip of the ice berg. i keep my good secrets.
so as you may or may not know, today is my birthday. it has been going pretty badly, and i have been thinking a lot about stuff that upsets me.
today at lunch they guys across the hall were discussing the housing forms for next year. they have now deviated from the plans that i thought would be in effect. they're going to take gerard and make a whole big group by themselves leaving me out of the picture. so i guess i suck then. any way i thought that i would still be able too room with my current roomate, but as things turn out he is going to room with his friend paulie like i figured. so now i am stuck with titus. at first i thought maybe i could get allong with him, after all we are friends. but titus is loud and has little regard for others. he is always going 1000 miles an hour and cant lower the tone of his voice. he stays up late at night doing home work he had all day long to do. i just dont think i can deal with that kind of shit. so i dont know what the hell im going to do. i thought by now i would have known who my friends are. but there really is no one to trust, everyone will step on my face if it is convient for them. 80 % of the time thoes guys come into my room it is to borrow something of mine. not to mention one of them decided to vaccume up his friends puke with my vaccume at 3 in the morning. the other 20 % of the time they are just there to talk to my roomate which they clearly like better than me. so i guess i am a convient aquaintance at best.
i have also been really lonely. no matter what i do, i really feel like i have no one. im not trying to offend anyone, its just how i feel. i dont understand why girls dont like me. be it a physical problem, im not very big, im hairy, and really skinny. or maybe its just a personality problem. i am very passive and not at all aggressive. i would rather someone try to meet me than me meet them. and even if i do meet someone, i never ever ever ever have anything in common. girls arent interested in engineering, or science, or energy, or motorcycles, or physics or guitars. i dont play competative sports so that ally is out of the question. i just dont know what to say to someone that isnt going to make them bored to tears. and i always say stupid things. i sound like the akward kid cause i say something that is odd or off subject that they dont get. and like the saying goes " you gotta treat em rough to get the muff." im not about to be macho or any other primative male thing.
i love my guitar, she is my wife and the only girl for me. sure her body may not be so great, she is kinda old and missing some paint, full of scratches. ( i like my women like i like my trucks, old rusty and leaking oil.) but lately she's been getting me down. i have been playing for 6 years, and a lot of my friends are musicians. not once have i been invited to play with someone and actually had the plans go through. i always asked people if they wanted to jam, it was never an open ended suggestion. i just feel like a failure now. i still dont know a complete song and what i can play sucks at best. i dont care if i can move my fingers fast, if the sound coming out sucks no one will ever like it. i have thought about taking lessons again, but i really dont have the time for it, and even if i did i doubt that it would work, i am too set in my ways now. like a jedi that is too old and confused for training ( forgive my geek analogy). i just want to play something some day and for at least one person to honestly say what i played was good.
i just wish there was someone that could understand how hard it is to have friends that dont like the same things you like. when i hang out with my friends, im not usually doing what i like to do. i like welding and building stuff. you wil not find any person happer than seth joubert when he is building or fixing something. the problem is no else gets enthusiastic about it like i do. i always ask people if they want to build stuff with me. if you have read this far i have probably asked you to do something allong the lines of building something or working on something. its cause its what i enjoy doing. but not too many people are actually there to help, i want to share my interests and maybe perhaps the smidgeon of skill that i have. i cant do everything on my own, im tired of being alone. this kills me the most
i dont know what else to say, this has been eating at my insides for a long long time. i dont usually come clean about what bothers me, and i will have you know this is mostly the tip of the ice berg. i keep my good secrets.