(no subject)
Guestbook shenanigans aside, I've been missing GAFF lately. So I went pawing through the Pit last night looking for GA Transformers fanfic. Though I didn't find anything quite bad enough to be GAFF, I did find something that was pretty bad.
TEMPTATIONS (yes, all in caps)
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2588998/1/
This Transformers fanfic starts out with a fantastic premise - Optimus Prime (leader of the heroic Autobots) and Megatron (leader of the evil Decepticons) are stranded on a seedy asteroid, with a damaged ship, no money, and have to put aside their differences and work together. Well, except that the Autobot/Decepticon war is conveniently over and everyone’s all pals now, but never mind. It’s still a great setup, even if my ESL detector is tingling:
It took a lot of time, Prime’s patience and Megatron’s yelling to assure control officer that cracked and burned ship will not explode or fell apart. After fulfillment of heap of papers both mechs were free to move inside artificial world.
The first warning sign appears when Prime and Megatron try to get a job:
You will have room at first floor, energon for lower price once a day. Your duty will be keeping an eye at bar patrons and my girls upstairs…
and end up working as bouncers at the local fuck shop, where naturally they share a room. The author takes us through a typical working day where Megatron throws some guys around and is approached by a scout for Ultimate Robot Fighting or something, and Prime stands there angsting and hating every minute of it and not at all acting like a competent, battle-hardened war general. Meanwhile at night the sex noises make them all randy. Especially Prime.
Time they spent in their room was something completely different. The room was small, romantic one could say, with soft materials, warm colors, two soft beds and dim lights. Thin walls didn’t block noise from rooms around. Screams, moans, wet sounds and sometimes very suggestive clacking of metal slowly drove them mad. They spent almost all free time on looking for spare parts to their broken ship but they had to recharge. They tried to went off line as fast as possible but it was easier to think than perform.
Yes, I think we all know where THIS is going, don’t we boys and girls. But just in case we don’t, the author spells it out for the slow learners in the audience:
Often, long in the night cycle, both Prime and Megatron could found themselves laying awake and thinking about the mech on the next bed. It was need. Pure and simple need of physical pleasure.
I’m always amazed that in these contrived situations, ah, I mean, well-crafted romances that the “couple” end up considering each other as sexual partners out of frustration, yet never, you know, just jack off and get over it. Maybe they left their copies of Playbot back on Cybertron.
Anyway, Megatron rescues a prostibot from her pimp (for some reason) and sells her to the owner of the fuck shop - which the prostibot describes as "legal job". Sadly Megatron doesn’t don a big purple hat or start twirling a pimp cane. What he does do is take her up to his room and get busy. Loudly. Which naturally adds to Prime’s sexual frustration, and that I’m even using that phrase about a talking robot truck underlines the ridiculousness of this whole thing.
The great slash clichés now click into place. Prime gets drunk and he and Megatron start discussing their previous partners. It turns out that Megatron has been laid like a MILLION times. With lots of hookers. And Starscream. And they all wanted his hot hot body. And he went to sleep on a pile of money afterwards, probably. Meanwhile, Prime’s only been with one person (his canon girlfriend, Elita One) and he’s all repressed and shit, and runs screaming from the room when Megatron kisses him. Naturally, once he’s had a little taste of Megatron’s sweet sweet lips it’s only a matter of time before Prime caves in. Especially with Megatron being totally understanding and telling him he’s a healthy Transformer and it’s totally normal to feel horny, so get over yourself and make with the sex, Fuck Truck. Predictably, Megatron’s a fantastic stud who knows just what to do while Prime moans and writhes and is desperate to get off.
The sex scene would be a lot more amusing if they trash-talked all the way through it, a la their fight scenes from the show:
“You call that an interface cable?”
“Let’s see if you last longer than you do in battle, Prime!”
Happily we’re spared the lame convention of Transformers having penises under their crotchplates (a convention I like to call LOL ROBOT DICK), though this could have something to do with the story being archived at fanfiction.net. We’re also spared a scene with Optimus Prime crying in the shower. In fact, we’re spared any kind of longwinded ending:
Megatron looked at him, grinning and went to his bed. He buried his face in the pillow trying not to laugh.
One week later they were found.
They decided not to talk about what had happened.
END
Well, at least they’re not bringing each other coffee hot Energon and buying
each other chocolates for no reason... http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2210465/1/
-^)--)~
TEMPTATIONS (yes, all in caps)
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2588998/1/
This Transformers fanfic starts out with a fantastic premise - Optimus Prime (leader of the heroic Autobots) and Megatron (leader of the evil Decepticons) are stranded on a seedy asteroid, with a damaged ship, no money, and have to put aside their differences and work together. Well, except that the Autobot/Decepticon war is conveniently over and everyone’s all pals now, but never mind. It’s still a great setup, even if my ESL detector is tingling:
It took a lot of time, Prime’s patience and Megatron’s yelling to assure control officer that cracked and burned ship will not explode or fell apart. After fulfillment of heap of papers both mechs were free to move inside artificial world.
The first warning sign appears when Prime and Megatron try to get a job:
You will have room at first floor, energon for lower price once a day. Your duty will be keeping an eye at bar patrons and my girls upstairs…
and end up working as bouncers at the local fuck shop, where naturally they share a room. The author takes us through a typical working day where Megatron throws some guys around and is approached by a scout for Ultimate Robot Fighting or something, and Prime stands there angsting and hating every minute of it and not at all acting like a competent, battle-hardened war general. Meanwhile at night the sex noises make them all randy. Especially Prime.
Time they spent in their room was something completely different. The room was small, romantic one could say, with soft materials, warm colors, two soft beds and dim lights. Thin walls didn’t block noise from rooms around. Screams, moans, wet sounds and sometimes very suggestive clacking of metal slowly drove them mad. They spent almost all free time on looking for spare parts to their broken ship but they had to recharge. They tried to went off line as fast as possible but it was easier to think than perform.
Yes, I think we all know where THIS is going, don’t we boys and girls. But just in case we don’t, the author spells it out for the slow learners in the audience:
Often, long in the night cycle, both Prime and Megatron could found themselves laying awake and thinking about the mech on the next bed. It was need. Pure and simple need of physical pleasure.
I’m always amazed that in these contrived situations, ah, I mean, well-crafted romances that the “couple” end up considering each other as sexual partners out of frustration, yet never, you know, just jack off and get over it. Maybe they left their copies of Playbot back on Cybertron.
Anyway, Megatron rescues a prostibot from her pimp (for some reason) and sells her to the owner of the fuck shop - which the prostibot describes as "legal job". Sadly Megatron doesn’t don a big purple hat or start twirling a pimp cane. What he does do is take her up to his room and get busy. Loudly. Which naturally adds to Prime’s sexual frustration, and that I’m even using that phrase about a talking robot truck underlines the ridiculousness of this whole thing.
The great slash clichés now click into place. Prime gets drunk and he and Megatron start discussing their previous partners. It turns out that Megatron has been laid like a MILLION times. With lots of hookers. And Starscream. And they all wanted his hot hot body. And he went to sleep on a pile of money afterwards, probably. Meanwhile, Prime’s only been with one person (his canon girlfriend, Elita One) and he’s all repressed and shit, and runs screaming from the room when Megatron kisses him. Naturally, once he’s had a little taste of Megatron’s sweet sweet lips it’s only a matter of time before Prime caves in. Especially with Megatron being totally understanding and telling him he’s a healthy Transformer and it’s totally normal to feel horny, so get over yourself and make with the sex, Fuck Truck. Predictably, Megatron’s a fantastic stud who knows just what to do while Prime moans and writhes and is desperate to get off.
The sex scene would be a lot more amusing if they trash-talked all the way through it, a la their fight scenes from the show:
“You call that an interface cable?”
“Let’s see if you last longer than you do in battle, Prime!”
Happily we’re spared the lame convention of Transformers having penises under their crotchplates (a convention I like to call LOL ROBOT DICK), though this could have something to do with the story being archived at fanfiction.net. We’re also spared a scene with Optimus Prime crying in the shower. In fact, we’re spared any kind of longwinded ending:
Megatron looked at him, grinning and went to his bed. He buried his face in the pillow trying not to laugh.
One week later they were found.
They decided not to talk about what had happened.
END
Well, at least they’re not bringing each other coffee hot Energon and buying
each other chocolates for no reason... http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2210465/1/
-^)--)~