(no subject)
So lately I've been watching old Transformers G1 cartoons. I braved the Pit and read some Transformers fic, and even braved the Uber Pit and laughed at Transformer porn. And, naturally, I got inspired to write Transformers sillyfic.
Then I decided that writing whole fics was too much like hard work, so I wrote a bunch of promos for Cybertron television programmes instead. Enjoy!
---
VO: In fair Iacon, where we lay our scene...
Sunstreaker and Sideswipe roar down a highway. Starscream and Skywarp are on their tail.
Starscream: Those hunks of junk just flashed their brights at us! Get them!
VO: From ancient grudge breaks to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
The Autobots and Decepticons are engaged in a pitched battle. On the Autobot side, Roller weaves in and out of laser blasts. On the Decepticon side, Ravage snarls and goes for the smaller Autobots. Suddenly, across the battlefield, their optics meet. Romantic music plays as they gaze at each other.
VO: From forth the fatal ranks of these two foes
A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life...
Decepticon headquarters. Ravage paces on a balcony. Roller appears below and beeps loudly. Ravage looks around, then jumps from the balcony and joins him.
Cut to: Prime’s trailer. Roller and Ravage lie curled up together inside it. The door opens and Prime’s shadow falls across the pair.
Cut to: Decepticon Headquarters. Megatron aims his gun barrel at the camera.
Megatron: Miserable traitor!
Ravage runs out of the room, dodging laser blasts as he goes.
Cut to: Autobot Headquarters. Optimus Prime crouches down next to Roller.
Prime: I’m sorry, Roller. You can never see Ravage again.
VO: Whole misadventured piteous overthrows...
Exterior. Laserbeak swoops in and fires at Spike, who collapses at Roller’s wheels.
Spike: A plague on both your houses...
Interior. Roller fires on Laserbeak and destroys one of his wings.
VO:...do with their death bury their factions’ strife.
Interior. Roller and Ravage lie wheels- and belly-up on the floor. Prime kneels down beside Roller and traces his fingers along Roller’s underside.
Prime: (sorrowfully) Roller...
Soundwave carefully picks up Ravage’s body. The other Autobots and Decepticons look on.
Alpha Trion: All are punished!
CAPTION: Jazz Luhrmann’s
ROLLIO + RAVAGETTE
---
“American Idol” tune plays as a logo for Cybertron Idol appears onscreen.
VO (Shockwave): This week, on Cybertron Idol... will Arcee impress the judges enough to stay in the competition?
Arcee stands on stage, grooving as she sings.
Arcee: Straight up now tell me is it gonna be you and me forever, oh oh oh, or are you just having fu-u-un?
Cut to the panel of judges - Jazz, Blaster and Megatron.
Megatron: Terrible!
Jazz: Aw, come on, Megatron, that was pretty good!
Megatron: You sound like a dying Predacon with space syphilis!
Shot of Arcee looking disgusted.
Arcee: I don’t have to take that from you! Where’s your brilliant singing career the-
Megatron blasts her.
Jazz: Hey, now -
Blaster: That’s really wack, Jack!
Megatron blasts them both. Fade out to the Cyberton Idol logo as Megatron laughs diabolically.
VO (Shockwave): Tune in this week, and every week, for more humiliation and disintegration of naive young Autobots! All hail mighty Megatron, Ruler of Cybertron!
---
Open on a road in Iacon. Five flashy, pimped tuner cars fly along it.
VO: They’re spoiled. They’re obnoxious. They’re out of control. And they think they’re Primus’ gift to Cybertron.
Cut to Prowl, Ironhide and Optimus Prime, silhouetted against an Earth sunrise.
VO: But these pimped, tricked out young citybots are about to be knocked down a few gears, and learn what it takes to be soldiers.
A metallic blue female Autobot faces the camera.
Blue Autobot: My name is Sapphire Starlight!
Ironhide: From now on your name is Dipstick. And your carburettor’s mine!
VO: Overhauling their bodywork is easy...
A gold male Autobot, his arms and chest aglow with pink neon lighting, lies on a table in the middle of Autobot headquarters.
Prime: (to Ratchet and Wheeljack) Strip out that neon. And respray him yellow.
The male Autobot, now yellow, sans neon, and with white and black trim, sits weeping on a bench. A caption at the bottom of the screen reads “HUBCAP”.
“Hubcap”: This is the worst day of my life!
Wheeljack examines a silver female Autobot, while Prime watches.
Silver Autobot: I have SEVEN different alt modes!
Prime: Really.
The silver Autobot is now an ice-cream truck. A caption identifies her as “SNOWCONE”. And she’s crying.
VO: ...overhauling their attitudes is gonna take some hard work.
A red female Autobot is nose to nose with Ironhide.
Red Autobot: Listen, Short Bus, you don’t get to tell me what to do!
Cut to the female Autobot (identified as “TOWBAR”) as a small red 4x4, parked facing up a very steep slope. Her rear tyres are just touching a white line. She’s struggling to stay in position. Ironhide stands at the bottom of the slope.
Ironhide: I see those tyres move one astro-millimetre and you’re gonna start over, missy!
Interior (Autobot headquarters). A green female Autobot (“CARBON”) is having a conniption.
“Carbon”: I’m running away to join the Decepticons!
Cut to Decepticon headquarters. A green, battered rally car, with wire mesh for windows, speeds away from it amid blaster fire. Cut back to Autobot headquarters. “Carbon” is sitting on a bench while Prowl talks to her quietly.
VO: Over the next fourteen weeks, watch the heroes of Cybertron turn these kids around.
The camera pans over the five tuner cars. The picture dissolves into one showing the Autobots in their new alt modes: a blue dune buggy, a yellow taxi, a white ice-cream van, a green rally car, and a small red 4x4. The five vehicles start their engines and race towards the camera. Track out to show them racing along a valley floor while Prowl, Ironhide and Wheeljack fire blanks at them. Optimus Prime stands on a cliff edge, the sun glinting off his windows, watching.
VO: Who will stand, and who will fall?
Optimus Prime approaches the five Autobots. Without a word, he reaches out to one of them, and shakes her hand.
VO and CAPTION: Scrap Camp: Autobots.
---
Exterior: The Ark. The opening bars of “Wouldn’t It Be Loverly?” play over the scene. Grimlock stomps around, happily kicking up clouds of dust.
VO: Coming soon... the Ark Theatre Company in yet another adaptation of a classic Earth tale!
Closeup on Perceptor and Wheeljack, who are watching Grimlock frolic.
Perceptor: I’ll wager fifty credits that I can transform that brutish oaf into a perfect gentle-bot in time for the Cybertron Ball!
Wheeljack: I’ll take that bet!
VO: Starring Grimlock as Eliza Doolittle!
Closeup of Grimlock stomping rocks.
Grimlock: (sings) All me want is a room somewhere
Far away from the cold night air...
VO: And Perceptor as Henry Higgins!
Interior: A room in the Ark.
Perceptor: Repeat after me: the rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock no like rain! It get in optics! Make me Grimlock no see good!
Perceptor: (huge, dejected sigh)
Cut to a staircase at the entrance to a grand ballroom. Grimlock, in T-Rex mode, stands at the top. He is wearing a top hat and a bowtie.
Perceptor: (offscreen) Presenting: Mr. Grimlock!
Grimlock curtseys daintily, then makes his way carefully down the stairs, holding the tip of his tail in one hand so that it doesn’t swing everywhere.
Perceptor: By Primus, I think he’s got it!
Spike snaps a picture just as Grimlock reaches the end of the staircase. Grimlock recoils from the flash.
Grimlock: You steal me Grimlock’s spark!
He goes on a rampage and smashes into the table, knocking Energon cubes everywhere.
Perceptor: Well, that certainly wasn’t predictable...
Exterior: Night. Grimlock stomps around dejectedly, reprising “Wouldn’t It Be Loverly?” Meanwhile, Perceptor sits alone on a rock.
Perceptor: I’ve grown accustomed to his face.
VO: My Fair Dinobot!
Grimlock and Perceptor hug.
Grimlock: Friend!
(He picks Perceptor up and carries him inside.)
CAPTION: Ark Theatre Company Presents
MY FAIR DINOBOT
Coming Soon
---
Open on a blue tarp. Two mechanical bodies writhe sensuously underneath it. The words “Robotic Erotica” appear onscreen, in elegant calligraphy.
VO (low, breathy, female): Robotic Erotica is proud to present our latest raunchy adult feature, available now on DVD.
The camera pans down the body of an alluring pink female Autobot. A reverse camera angle shows that she’s standing on the edge of a canyon, watching an approaching convoy of vehicles on the highway below.
VO: Magenta Neon is a naive young Autobot... with deviant desires.
The female Autobot transforms into a car as the convoy gets closer. It’s a group of four trucks. The camera focuses on the leader, a red semi. It pans down his long, long trailer. Reverse angle shot of the female Autobot, who moans and rocks on her suspension.
VO: Come along for the ride as Magenta is schooled in the ways of car love by an experienced rig.
Interior: garage. The pink car quivers in anticipation as the red semi drives up behind her and carefully mounts her. The camera pans down the side as the two bounce gently on their suspension.
VO: From the people who brought you Red Hot Jets and Decepticon Diesel Dykes Gone Haywire...
A picture of a DVD cover appears on screen. The background picture is soft focus footage of trucks driving on a desert highway.
VO: ...comes Truckfucker, the latest in our Planes, Trains and Automobiles series. Order Truckfucker now and you’ll also get a free bonus DVD, The Best of Manual Carwash. All the raunchiest moments from our popular late night TV show, Manual Carwash.
Cut to a human spraying a small yellow car with a high powered lance on a gas station forecourt. The camera pans slowly down the side as the human slowly scrubs the car with a large, soapy brush.
VO: Getting all cleaned up has never been so dirty.
Cut back to the DVD covers.
VO: Order now, and get your motor running tonight.
Return to the blue tarp and the “Robotic Erotica” logo.
VO: Robotic Erotica - for all your erotic robot needs.
-^)--)~
Then I decided that writing whole fics was too much like hard work, so I wrote a bunch of promos for Cybertron television programmes instead. Enjoy!
---
VO: In fair Iacon, where we lay our scene...
Sunstreaker and Sideswipe roar down a highway. Starscream and Skywarp are on their tail.
Starscream: Those hunks of junk just flashed their brights at us! Get them!
VO: From ancient grudge breaks to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
The Autobots and Decepticons are engaged in a pitched battle. On the Autobot side, Roller weaves in and out of laser blasts. On the Decepticon side, Ravage snarls and goes for the smaller Autobots. Suddenly, across the battlefield, their optics meet. Romantic music plays as they gaze at each other.
VO: From forth the fatal ranks of these two foes
A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life...
Decepticon headquarters. Ravage paces on a balcony. Roller appears below and beeps loudly. Ravage looks around, then jumps from the balcony and joins him.
Cut to: Prime’s trailer. Roller and Ravage lie curled up together inside it. The door opens and Prime’s shadow falls across the pair.
Cut to: Decepticon Headquarters. Megatron aims his gun barrel at the camera.
Megatron: Miserable traitor!
Ravage runs out of the room, dodging laser blasts as he goes.
Cut to: Autobot Headquarters. Optimus Prime crouches down next to Roller.
Prime: I’m sorry, Roller. You can never see Ravage again.
VO: Whole misadventured piteous overthrows...
Exterior. Laserbeak swoops in and fires at Spike, who collapses at Roller’s wheels.
Spike: A plague on both your houses...
Interior. Roller fires on Laserbeak and destroys one of his wings.
VO:...do with their death bury their factions’ strife.
Interior. Roller and Ravage lie wheels- and belly-up on the floor. Prime kneels down beside Roller and traces his fingers along Roller’s underside.
Prime: (sorrowfully) Roller...
Soundwave carefully picks up Ravage’s body. The other Autobots and Decepticons look on.
Alpha Trion: All are punished!
CAPTION: Jazz Luhrmann’s
ROLLIO + RAVAGETTE
---
“American Idol” tune plays as a logo for Cybertron Idol appears onscreen.
VO (Shockwave): This week, on Cybertron Idol... will Arcee impress the judges enough to stay in the competition?
Arcee stands on stage, grooving as she sings.
Arcee: Straight up now tell me is it gonna be you and me forever, oh oh oh, or are you just having fu-u-un?
Cut to the panel of judges - Jazz, Blaster and Megatron.
Megatron: Terrible!
Jazz: Aw, come on, Megatron, that was pretty good!
Megatron: You sound like a dying Predacon with space syphilis!
Shot of Arcee looking disgusted.
Arcee: I don’t have to take that from you! Where’s your brilliant singing career the-
Megatron blasts her.
Jazz: Hey, now -
Blaster: That’s really wack, Jack!
Megatron blasts them both. Fade out to the Cyberton Idol logo as Megatron laughs diabolically.
VO (Shockwave): Tune in this week, and every week, for more humiliation and disintegration of naive young Autobots! All hail mighty Megatron, Ruler of Cybertron!
---
Open on a road in Iacon. Five flashy, pimped tuner cars fly along it.
VO: They’re spoiled. They’re obnoxious. They’re out of control. And they think they’re Primus’ gift to Cybertron.
Cut to Prowl, Ironhide and Optimus Prime, silhouetted against an Earth sunrise.
VO: But these pimped, tricked out young citybots are about to be knocked down a few gears, and learn what it takes to be soldiers.
A metallic blue female Autobot faces the camera.
Blue Autobot: My name is Sapphire Starlight!
Ironhide: From now on your name is Dipstick. And your carburettor’s mine!
VO: Overhauling their bodywork is easy...
A gold male Autobot, his arms and chest aglow with pink neon lighting, lies on a table in the middle of Autobot headquarters.
Prime: (to Ratchet and Wheeljack) Strip out that neon. And respray him yellow.
The male Autobot, now yellow, sans neon, and with white and black trim, sits weeping on a bench. A caption at the bottom of the screen reads “HUBCAP”.
“Hubcap”: This is the worst day of my life!
Wheeljack examines a silver female Autobot, while Prime watches.
Silver Autobot: I have SEVEN different alt modes!
Prime: Really.
The silver Autobot is now an ice-cream truck. A caption identifies her as “SNOWCONE”. And she’s crying.
VO: ...overhauling their attitudes is gonna take some hard work.
A red female Autobot is nose to nose with Ironhide.
Red Autobot: Listen, Short Bus, you don’t get to tell me what to do!
Cut to the female Autobot (identified as “TOWBAR”) as a small red 4x4, parked facing up a very steep slope. Her rear tyres are just touching a white line. She’s struggling to stay in position. Ironhide stands at the bottom of the slope.
Ironhide: I see those tyres move one astro-millimetre and you’re gonna start over, missy!
Interior (Autobot headquarters). A green female Autobot (“CARBON”) is having a conniption.
“Carbon”: I’m running away to join the Decepticons!
Cut to Decepticon headquarters. A green, battered rally car, with wire mesh for windows, speeds away from it amid blaster fire. Cut back to Autobot headquarters. “Carbon” is sitting on a bench while Prowl talks to her quietly.
VO: Over the next fourteen weeks, watch the heroes of Cybertron turn these kids around.
The camera pans over the five tuner cars. The picture dissolves into one showing the Autobots in their new alt modes: a blue dune buggy, a yellow taxi, a white ice-cream van, a green rally car, and a small red 4x4. The five vehicles start their engines and race towards the camera. Track out to show them racing along a valley floor while Prowl, Ironhide and Wheeljack fire blanks at them. Optimus Prime stands on a cliff edge, the sun glinting off his windows, watching.
VO: Who will stand, and who will fall?
Optimus Prime approaches the five Autobots. Without a word, he reaches out to one of them, and shakes her hand.
VO and CAPTION: Scrap Camp: Autobots.
---
Exterior: The Ark. The opening bars of “Wouldn’t It Be Loverly?” play over the scene. Grimlock stomps around, happily kicking up clouds of dust.
VO: Coming soon... the Ark Theatre Company in yet another adaptation of a classic Earth tale!
Closeup on Perceptor and Wheeljack, who are watching Grimlock frolic.
Perceptor: I’ll wager fifty credits that I can transform that brutish oaf into a perfect gentle-bot in time for the Cybertron Ball!
Wheeljack: I’ll take that bet!
VO: Starring Grimlock as Eliza Doolittle!
Closeup of Grimlock stomping rocks.
Grimlock: (sings) All me want is a room somewhere
Far away from the cold night air...
VO: And Perceptor as Henry Higgins!
Interior: A room in the Ark.
Perceptor: Repeat after me: the rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock no like rain! It get in optics! Make me Grimlock no see good!
Perceptor: (huge, dejected sigh)
Cut to a staircase at the entrance to a grand ballroom. Grimlock, in T-Rex mode, stands at the top. He is wearing a top hat and a bowtie.
Perceptor: (offscreen) Presenting: Mr. Grimlock!
Grimlock curtseys daintily, then makes his way carefully down the stairs, holding the tip of his tail in one hand so that it doesn’t swing everywhere.
Perceptor: By Primus, I think he’s got it!
Spike snaps a picture just as Grimlock reaches the end of the staircase. Grimlock recoils from the flash.
Grimlock: You steal me Grimlock’s spark!
He goes on a rampage and smashes into the table, knocking Energon cubes everywhere.
Perceptor: Well, that certainly wasn’t predictable...
Exterior: Night. Grimlock stomps around dejectedly, reprising “Wouldn’t It Be Loverly?” Meanwhile, Perceptor sits alone on a rock.
Perceptor: I’ve grown accustomed to his face.
VO: My Fair Dinobot!
Grimlock and Perceptor hug.
Grimlock: Friend!
(He picks Perceptor up and carries him inside.)
CAPTION: Ark Theatre Company Presents
MY FAIR DINOBOT
Coming Soon
---
Open on a blue tarp. Two mechanical bodies writhe sensuously underneath it. The words “Robotic Erotica” appear onscreen, in elegant calligraphy.
VO (low, breathy, female): Robotic Erotica is proud to present our latest raunchy adult feature, available now on DVD.
The camera pans down the body of an alluring pink female Autobot. A reverse camera angle shows that she’s standing on the edge of a canyon, watching an approaching convoy of vehicles on the highway below.
VO: Magenta Neon is a naive young Autobot... with deviant desires.
The female Autobot transforms into a car as the convoy gets closer. It’s a group of four trucks. The camera focuses on the leader, a red semi. It pans down his long, long trailer. Reverse angle shot of the female Autobot, who moans and rocks on her suspension.
VO: Come along for the ride as Magenta is schooled in the ways of car love by an experienced rig.
Interior: garage. The pink car quivers in anticipation as the red semi drives up behind her and carefully mounts her. The camera pans down the side as the two bounce gently on their suspension.
VO: From the people who brought you Red Hot Jets and Decepticon Diesel Dykes Gone Haywire...
A picture of a DVD cover appears on screen. The background picture is soft focus footage of trucks driving on a desert highway.
VO: ...comes Truckfucker, the latest in our Planes, Trains and Automobiles series. Order Truckfucker now and you’ll also get a free bonus DVD, The Best of Manual Carwash. All the raunchiest moments from our popular late night TV show, Manual Carwash.
Cut to a human spraying a small yellow car with a high powered lance on a gas station forecourt. The camera pans slowly down the side as the human slowly scrubs the car with a large, soapy brush.
VO: Getting all cleaned up has never been so dirty.
Cut back to the DVD covers.
VO: Order now, and get your motor running tonight.
Return to the blue tarp and the “Robotic Erotica” logo.
VO: Robotic Erotica - for all your erotic robot needs.
-^)--)~