Wow. Something to look forward to.
Why English Teachers Drink
(Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays)
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle
that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh
Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making
and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come
from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E
coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh,
like that sound a dog makes just before it throws
up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like,
whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch
tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30
years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock,
like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the
pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the
pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable
soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The
whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when
you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose
hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement,
just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the
star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field
toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban
neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy
Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were
like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob
informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a
mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had
rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my
brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just
might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the
kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the
metaphorical lame duck, either but a real duck that
was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.
23. The ballerina raised gracefully en pointe
and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers
chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he
thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage
truck backing up.
26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they
had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
27. She walked into my office like a centipede
with 98 missing legs.
28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after
you accidentally staple it to the wall.
(Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays)
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle
that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh
Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making
and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come
from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E
coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh,
like that sound a dog makes just before it throws
up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like,
whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch
tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30
years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock,
like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the
pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the
pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable
soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The
whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when
you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose
hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement,
just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the
star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field
toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban
neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy
Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were
like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob
informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a
mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had
rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my
brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just
might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the
kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the
metaphorical lame duck, either but a real duck that
was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.
23. The ballerina raised gracefully en pointe
and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers
chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he
thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage
truck backing up.
26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they
had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
27. She walked into my office like a centipede
with 98 missing legs.
28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after
you accidentally staple it to the wall.