they stole our cars and left us stranded...
it's so easy to lose direction, isn't it?
it's madness. one moment you are cruising along a straight road, going crazy over the lack of scenery, then suddenly everything forks everywhere. every-forking-where. and you mind goes numb at the thought of the turnings you are missing and yet... you carry on along that straight road. because it's always been a straight road, hasn't it. and there's only that one direction. and you think, yeah, that'd be a cool place to end up on. but what seemed cool a distance away, really isn't that great upfront. and you decide, maybe, just maybe, to explore one of the lanes.
and you're lost.
you feel stranded. wide scenery stretches before your perception and you keep taking in deep breaths to stop from panicking. but in the clenching and unclenching of fists, you realise how wrong you were before. that there really is so much more to behold. there's a distinct lack of reason now. there's a quiet solitude where you stare at the sky and note that you are alone. all alone in a big land. whilst the sun sets and the view grows soft, you have to lean back on the empty hut that you stopped at. afraid. nervous of the dark. and alone. so very alone.
there are moments in my life that terrify me. i've been alone before. growing up. an only child. having moved from my hometown much faster than my cousins have. i made do. i survived. i learned to make friends quickly. forming close bonds and associations to people. like a tendril that suddenly becomes an overwhelming creeper. i fall in love. not in love, but in love. with the friends i have. and all of a sudden i'm the cuckoo that has taken over the nest. wrestling for affection. and often winning. so people suddenly see me as a close friend. you know the phrase, "i've known him forever"? yeah. that's me. you see me. you know me. you love me. and then you're there. in that circle. and it'll seem like you've been there for a long time.
but who am i? where do i stand in all these chaotic love stories?
somedays i take stock of what i've achieved. and i don't know. i have gained so much. but i have also lost so much. so. damn. much. that closet where i hide my secrets, it grows bleak. dusty. a blackhole that consumes far more than it stores. and it's not a good feeling. it's times when i look at the empty corridor that i sink to my knees, unable to move or breathe. choking back the sobs that threaten to escape. emotional floodgates that must not be opened. ever. and on my knees do i crawl back. avoiding the deep, ghastly ravine before me. stepping back slowly. for my own sake. for my own sanity. and i claw back to safety. back to that straight road.
it is a strange journey. a meandering ride that leads nowhere. some people say they have goals. aspirations. dreams. so many dreams. caught on the beaded dreamcatchers. forced into windchimes and feathery shambles. mobiles with stars and moons, bells and sequins. they get entangled. confused. warped. unrecognisable. foreign. forgotten. wasted. so wasted.
but the road goes on. and on. and on. and we are forced to take the next step. to trudge on. it is not a choice.
no. not a choice. no at all.
and so i stand here. in the middle of nowhere. i've lost my purpose. my reason of being. i've gone nowhere. all this time, i've been running, driving, walking, crawling. and yet, here i am back again. and i know it, i'm lost. it's a cliche really. so much so that i've become blase about it. and uncaring. unfeeling. there's light somewhere. but it's not in my line of sight.
maybe one day i'll find the right path again. and till then, don't fault me in my insecurity. for i am quagmired. stranded. lost. and nowhere to be found.
DuaGu
"Up, up and away..."