hmmm, I guess I should read more memo's or somthing
First of all, what is up with this new format thingamajiggy?
Hmmmmm, well, I guess I will just wing it and plow through, hope for the best, I suppose.
Let me warn you, Just a small part of A HUGE ASS RANT AND STUFF to ensue.
Good news, I may have finally found the people who can actually help me deal with these issues in the future. TO get me back to my 'center' or somthing. I do not know what I want, except to feel okay. To also feel confident. I mean, I am to a point. I guess, to stand upon my own two feet and not be blown off of them so easily and reduced to defending myself like a 11 year old brat.
Okay, maybe I should write this in parts, or a book or somthing.
If you, dear reader, is reading this, please let me know if you want me even invading your space with this emotional drama. I respect you. Thank-you.
First off, some back ground, then some ranting.
Okay, I was raised a very wealthy rich brat. No doubt about it. But I am weird. When I was five, were we lived, almost all of my friends were either very poor, homeless, abused, you name it. Hell, one of my friends had a midget for a dad. That dude was meaner than a badger on the rag. I still get upset thinking about him ~shudders~
Anyway, it for some reason struck a chord with me. I used to give my toys away. I got beat for it. Blah blah story. I even stole toilet paper for my friend Christopher Brown who had shit all over himself. Weird memories and things like that stick with me.
So, imagine how upset my mother was when I did not want to do the game. You know the one. All fashion, back stabbing, being a stuck up cunt. Was never my thing. Anytime there is a family conflict, her reason, "Oh, They are just jelouse of our money." "OH, they are rich! They should Know", etc etc.
Robs family is rich too.
Rob and I are not rich. Hell, we are almost flat broke. BUT, we are happy. We get to spend a lot of time with our kids. If I am not there to do a feild trip or somthing, Rob is. Ect.
I love our neighborhood. We finally live someplace with Normal people like us. Normal being a catch all phrase.
We work hard and do our best. He and I lived a lot of life together.
We are practically like the couple from RUSH. Except we are not cops and he is not dead. But, that level of commitment and loyalty and trust is there.
My folks come along and trample everything. They compare us to this that and the other. They tell our kids if only he and I did this or that they would not be deprived. They complain about the pets. They want the airconditioning on 24/7. And want the windows open too. The list goes on and on. My mom barely touches her food, then eats oreos all day. then says that Mariea, Brents wife, her cooking does not make her gain weight like this. She compares my parenting to hers...She took child development too~ya, like 30 years ago.
She admitted I was a total batterd child, but hey, didn't we have a great life style? When I asked her what the fuck did the money have to do with her own child being beaten almost to death and raped as much as I was have to do with money, she turns around and says,
She is shocked that I do not take any responsibility for what happend to me.
I know I was no angel. Far from it. Yes, I was a wild hyper child.
However, I know my punishments far exceeded my crimes.
If I spiiled milk, I had my face slammed in it. If I messed somthing up of my dads, he destroyed all of my possesions.
My mom was always crying when I was upset by not being accepted for being me. Instead of supporting me, she would condemn me.
Etc.
SO, right now, trying to dance this tight rope of them being her until August has me a bit on edge.
I JUST WANT TO BE OKAY AND TO FEEL OKAY.
If I need to be rich to buy my freedom, so be it.
Not sure how to do that yet. Since I did sign away any inheretence.
That was for my childrens lives.
That is another tale there. But, since I am broke any my folks are not. They wanted to steal my children away. Aizees cancer was the perfect way. Yes, I know I could have won that eventually. But I did not want to fight it. I signed away any rights to any money from all relatives.
So be it. I will be okay. I have survived this long. I will continue to do so. But I just wish I could get over the emotional black mail already.
Hmmmmm, well, I guess I will just wing it and plow through, hope for the best, I suppose.
Let me warn you, Just a small part of A HUGE ASS RANT AND STUFF to ensue.
Good news, I may have finally found the people who can actually help me deal with these issues in the future. TO get me back to my 'center' or somthing. I do not know what I want, except to feel okay. To also feel confident. I mean, I am to a point. I guess, to stand upon my own two feet and not be blown off of them so easily and reduced to defending myself like a 11 year old brat.
Okay, maybe I should write this in parts, or a book or somthing.
If you, dear reader, is reading this, please let me know if you want me even invading your space with this emotional drama. I respect you. Thank-you.
First off, some back ground, then some ranting.
Okay, I was raised a very wealthy rich brat. No doubt about it. But I am weird. When I was five, were we lived, almost all of my friends were either very poor, homeless, abused, you name it. Hell, one of my friends had a midget for a dad. That dude was meaner than a badger on the rag. I still get upset thinking about him ~shudders~
Anyway, it for some reason struck a chord with me. I used to give my toys away. I got beat for it. Blah blah story. I even stole toilet paper for my friend Christopher Brown who had shit all over himself. Weird memories and things like that stick with me.
So, imagine how upset my mother was when I did not want to do the game. You know the one. All fashion, back stabbing, being a stuck up cunt. Was never my thing. Anytime there is a family conflict, her reason, "Oh, They are just jelouse of our money." "OH, they are rich! They should Know", etc etc.
Robs family is rich too.
Rob and I are not rich. Hell, we are almost flat broke. BUT, we are happy. We get to spend a lot of time with our kids. If I am not there to do a feild trip or somthing, Rob is. Ect.
I love our neighborhood. We finally live someplace with Normal people like us. Normal being a catch all phrase.
We work hard and do our best. He and I lived a lot of life together.
We are practically like the couple from RUSH. Except we are not cops and he is not dead. But, that level of commitment and loyalty and trust is there.
My folks come along and trample everything. They compare us to this that and the other. They tell our kids if only he and I did this or that they would not be deprived. They complain about the pets. They want the airconditioning on 24/7. And want the windows open too. The list goes on and on. My mom barely touches her food, then eats oreos all day. then says that Mariea, Brents wife, her cooking does not make her gain weight like this. She compares my parenting to hers...She took child development too~ya, like 30 years ago.
She admitted I was a total batterd child, but hey, didn't we have a great life style? When I asked her what the fuck did the money have to do with her own child being beaten almost to death and raped as much as I was have to do with money, she turns around and says,
She is shocked that I do not take any responsibility for what happend to me.
I know I was no angel. Far from it. Yes, I was a wild hyper child.
However, I know my punishments far exceeded my crimes.
If I spiiled milk, I had my face slammed in it. If I messed somthing up of my dads, he destroyed all of my possesions.
My mom was always crying when I was upset by not being accepted for being me. Instead of supporting me, she would condemn me.
Etc.
SO, right now, trying to dance this tight rope of them being her until August has me a bit on edge.
I JUST WANT TO BE OKAY AND TO FEEL OKAY.
If I need to be rich to buy my freedom, so be it.
Not sure how to do that yet. Since I did sign away any inheretence.
That was for my childrens lives.
That is another tale there. But, since I am broke any my folks are not. They wanted to steal my children away. Aizees cancer was the perfect way. Yes, I know I could have won that eventually. But I did not want to fight it. I signed away any rights to any money from all relatives.
So be it. I will be okay. I have survived this long. I will continue to do so. But I just wish I could get over the emotional black mail already.