(no subject)
Things are never how you imagine them. You can guess and hypothesize all you want; even thinking that you MUST be right about some of it, at least? Ha. Ha ha ha. "Oh it is to laugh!" as my Mom would've said.
I used to think I was really good with Change. I would kind of brag about it, if I'm being honest. I never fear change!! I would announce, like an ass. Older Meg is here to tell you, I do. I did. I resist change with all my being. It is inconvenient, messy and awkward. You know, says Older Meg, how life Just Is? smh *eyeroll*
So I had this ever evolving view of my future, adding new things to my list of goals, most of which are kind of unattainable? At least, for someone who is as low motivation, low self-esteem as I am usually. I actually found one of my older goal lists recently and I remember writing it, like, Yes. I CAN do all this! Reading it last week, Oh it is to laugh! Silly Idealistic Youngling. And I have to say that it is a rotten feeling. It's a kind of guilt that is on a whole new level for me. If I let it, it can lay me low almost instantly. I have been clawing my way out of it for a couple weeks. Pretty successfully too!
I'm sure that these feelings are directly related to my general negative perspective in all things. But, I know it now. I can see how deeply its got me and that means I can really start working on the problem. The fear that's been eating at me in the darkness. Showing me the world through crap-colored lenses. My wonderful world. I disappoint myself so hard by not being able to look away; by to finding comfort in all that negativity.
Because my life isn't what I thought I wanted.
It's even better. I couldn't imagine this life, it's not even close to what I planned, but I am so content in this place. I have real support, a husband who challenges me and loves me , who is smart and funny and willing to work together, an amazing baby boy who is always filling my heart and making me laugh when he's not whipping things at my head. The freedom to do the creative things that make me happiest. And still I'm depressed. smh
I wonder if there is a part of me that just won't let go of that twenty-something mindset? Parents are OLD and LAME and even though I haven't changed, the world did and now I am OLD and LAME and a parent. Guess you never stop wanting to be the Cool Kid. Husband says I'm very Cool, and Child seems to like me quite a lot. Maybe I am? The pink, fuzzy, non-hooded sweatshirt with the kitschy llama design on it that I bought at the mall kind of tells me otherwise....
I do feel like I've lost my edge. Probably because the toddler dented it and dulled it. I feel that's kind of normal. Maybe I'm just shocked at how much of my edge that I don't want back. lol I need a different kind of edge!
So i guess that means it's time for a tattoo. lol
Ah. That feels better. Bleed the negativity for a minute.
Now, I have been watching Dragon Riders of Berk and One Day at a Time and they are bitchin'. Breath of fresh air from all the dark DC I've been immersed in.
We found a house! It will be owned by my MIL! She will live upstairs and we will live down and it will only be for a little while while we save up and sort out our credit for our own place.
The house is adorable and not to worry, my MIL is a chic, pot-smoking, crusading biker witch*. She is tiny and adorable and is buying us a house to save us from renting. I am very lucky.
Tonight is another Magic the Gathering draft in Cheney. Little B loves to go play with their kids and wreck their house. I like to talk to real adults and stretch my mind with some strategy. I am usually last, or next to last. I just play like, Aww shucks, did I forget?? and manage to win about one game out of 9. lol
The hubs and I made plans this weekend to each take ourselves out on a movie date while the baby takes his nap. one each day. Going together would be way more ideal, but with MIL doing us such a huge solid already(and recovering from bronchitis) we're using this as an opportunity to work on non-codependency. We're both fairly prone to it so this will be good.
And most exciting of all, we get to start work on Baby #2 next week! I'm on my period for the first time in about three years(it's as horrible as I remembered), almost a month after my iud came out. Once it's over...woo! We're aiming for a Sagittarius baby, possibly Capricorn. We're starting a bit early, but it's the best time per my ovulation calendar. Yes, I know our plan is overly specific and whimsical, and I couldn't care less. Why flippin not. Our first baby is a spirited Gemini, we need something chill to balance him out. lol
There is a lot of good. I just have to look for it. :)
This, writing, is really good too. Fuck you, depression! I even took a shower today!
*Not actual biker.