And I Think To Myself...
I can't stop thinking about being a nonbinary human. I follow a few NB people across social media and while I feel connected and drawn to that place, for myself, in my heart, I feel unsure. Because all the programming in my head is rebelling. There is SO MUCH to unpack - Disney princesses, romance novels, centuries of historic costume research, etc. I have two big folders in my head that all Things have been vaguely filed under: Masculine and Feminine.
When I was young, my father, bless his boomer heart, bought me dollies, makeup, dresses, hoping I would be a Girly Girl. He received my Tomboy self who eschewed dollies and barbies with disdain and loved collecting my little ponies, Ninja Turtles, and playing video games. Which, despite many requests, I never got for a present, even when my younger brothers did. So, I went on Feminine Strike. I said no to anything resembling a skirt and stopped as much hygiene as I could get away with. I did not like it in That Place, so I made some changes and very slowly started dipping my toe into Being Feminine. I asked my grandmother for skirts for Xmas when I was 14. I asked for help with make-up from my friends at age 17. My second year in college I got drunk enough to ask my friend for an eyebrow plucking lesson. And now, at 39, I have confidence to be as feminine presenting as I wish. I don't wish it very often these days(see also: depression, pandemic, two children)but I still like to skirt it up occasionally.
TLDR; I am comfortable feeling both feminine and masculine and I'm pretty sure I'm Nonbinary but I'm not positive because Imposter Syndrome. Or something.
So Ive been rolling all this around in my head(when there's room, it's been slow going), and thinking about all the ...unpleasantness that faces people who don't fit into the gender binary. Thinking about all the judging of other people that goes on every second of every day. The real problem that not taking into account the opinions of perfect strangers can literally ruin your day.
(I've always struggled to find the Right Way to dress? That both appeals to me and does not raise eyebrows too high, because sometimes it looks like I get dressed in the dark because I like to wear what I feel? )
I like to imagine what a wonderful world it would be if we never felt the need to express our opinions on other people's bodies. Like, if everyone in the world suddenly decided to walk around naked no one would say anything about it beyond a discreet murmur of, "Susan, just wanted to let you know you've a bit of garden in your bush." Susan looks down, brushes it away and replies, "OMG, thank you!" and they both go about their day.