This is me
My daughter makes me smile(she drew that picture of me). My son makes me laugh. They are both giving me so many snuggles lately. I am lucky beyond words in those moments.
But inside.
Waaaaay down in there.
Past the cockles.
Past the liver.
Maybe, in the colon.
I don't know!
There is a ball of white hot anger.
I hate hate hate feeling angry. I never know what to do with it. I used to box and the heavy bag was very therapeutic that way but I don't have one now. Now I just. Stew in it.
I'm just mad about everything!
All the big stuff, all the small stuff.
So much seems unfair, and unwarranted.
I didn't deserve this bullshit.
My kids don't deserve this bs.
I know that processing feelings is meant to include anger but really. I *know* most of the things it's trying to bring my attention to! I'm *ignoring* them to sort out later. I get overwhelmed if I sit in the anger too much.
It feels like imploding. At sloth speed.
Who am I meant to spew my anger AT? Can't yell at STBX, that solves nothing and just aggravates the situation. Not supposed to be negative at myself(even though I am angry at myself and I can't help it.), there's no one left to blame but the aether. The universe. Happenstance.
Maybe *I* should take anger management classes.... 🤔
Anyway.
New year's eve was amazing. I saw almost all my favorite people, drank and smoked and ate brownies and even made it down the entire Oregon Trail! Super fun.
Now I just have to make it through the last weekend of school break. Lol That seems more daunting somehow.
Then the job hunt continues. "Murder me, Harry." I'm probably just going to get a job with Amazon so I can get going quick and get some benefits. Balls.
There is much adulting to do in the new year. 🫠
Speaking of adulting, I had an intake exam yesterday with my new PCP and I also wanted a new referral to get back into therapy, cause, ya know, divorce. All goes well and as I'm about to leave, the doc goes, hey you want an updated covid Vax real quick? Oh sureeeee! Look at how grown up I am! It didn't even hurt!
Today. I am killed. A slug in a salt bath. Shriveled and useless and suffering. My arm aches and is on fire. My energy levels are in the negatives. I don't even have the energy to give any shits. Sure! Sleep on the hard floors of your rooms! Have only pickles for dinner! Who cares! Oh are you hungry?? Ha! I told you! Smh pickles. Fools.
As soon as they're down I am going to bed it tf up. Put on some more Voltron and zone out. #selfcar