Existitial - UPDATED / (My Day yesterday - Part 2)
The results are in. Apparently, wine or beer helps with the muscle problem. Not as an opiate. But. in smaller amounts, apparently because it helps thin the blood. (In which case, aspirin might also help). If thinning the blood helps. then it means that the muscle problem is associated with either the capillaries being too tight, or else the problem is that they get blocked, (i.e. the blood is just too thick). Since all the muscle problems began after I got "COVID", (as an additional symptom on top of the CFS fatigue following exertions), then it is most likely that microclotting is the problem. If this is the case, then it means my muscles are riddled with lipidated graphene oxide - not a good thing. [Less likely, but possible: Bare-naked microplastics + CFS]. And, so long as I keep pushing myself, this amount will grow, But, I cannot stop trying to leave here, everyday, because stress from the neighbours is too much. (And no one has fucking helped, in this department).
I looked in the mirror and saw I have been gaining weight. This means I am not exiting more fat that I "take in,: despite the whole process/es of DETOX. This means that detox has not been as successful as I had hoped. (Maybe it could be, if I were allowed just to stay home for a year and stop exerting those muscles). And, this is more support for there being a lot of LGO in me. Fuck. "Everybody hurts," sings Michael Stipes - but not like this!
The alcohol might be related to the eye flashes disappearing temporarily, but, I can tell, it is NOT good for the eyes.
Yesterday, I imagined these little, "scenaria of hopelessness," which I might describe later, They don't involve me, directly. They probably all came from dreams, though. At 3:30am, I awakened to the sad, lovely strains of John Lennon, followed by REM... This two, plus Nirvana, often had the same sort of empty, existential angst thing going on.
PS - Leaving the library, (with difficulty), I contended with dark, spitty tornado weather. Luckilly, I've been keeping my black umbrella in the cab - smart. I was so full of fatigue and pain and, "stupid carelessness," that I really knew that, if I met the girl at the supermarket, I would not be in top, or even useful, form. And, this turned out to be true. She was offering cookies inside the store - which otherwise would have been the perfect opportunity to say something cute, but I just say no, in my loose goose way, at least giving her a longer-than normal look, and went on. Apparently, this was enough for her, because, after that, she began singing out, "Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee!" Ha ha, lol. So. Either she like me or she just likes males liking her, because there were a few male workers nearby, like dogs on leashes.
An advantage I have, here, is that everyone seems to be on leashes. And, this is one reason for all the passive aggressions, etc. And all the assumed petty competition, based on nothing but jealousy, insecurity and taking 'affrontery'. Bottle up. It's the reason why Army Guy just talked out loud, commenting on my behaviour - something was simply unfounded. But, he apparently had no social skills in working out these sorts of private knows. Same thing with the cafe owner just plain telling lies about me. Poor social skills - idiocy - can help identify narcissism - (existing despite alternative highly manipulative behaviour). [Or, maybe everyone, like me, is full of "COVID" brain cleavage. People are no longer clever. Their brains have been separated by cleavers. In the meat department].
Anyway... I mentioned that everyone here is seemingly very friendly, although, "quick to anger or take offense" - or something milder than this. ["Become annoyed" - maybe that was the term I was looking for]. Make one wrong move - like you, too, are not also on a leash, and they will get confused or angry, and will then proceed to try to politely put you back in your place. And how do they do the latter? By acting like little know-it-all autocrats. Automatic hypocrites, or Democrats... This seems to be coming a lot from older females. Like the woman at the cash register yesterday. Which was a silly little thing which I might bother desrcibing later. Just, trust me, this is the social situation here, and, naturally, I'll end up lampooning it in a novel.
But... Remember, when I first got here, I mentioned that a lot of people in minimal, or imaginary, positions of authority - mostly public SERVANTS - do this thing where, after you start up some exchange with them, they start telling you what to do? In small ways? Like, "I'm going to have you sign here,"? Same thing: Little automated tyrants. Its sad and ugly to see, former Americana declining into this petty garbage...
I watched another video on how the, "Chinese model," was being used as the rulebook for changing America. See how H.Clinton, the little dictator, projects again that if Trump is elected, he will become a terrible dictator? And you see all this censorship, and control, and deprivation, and so on - led and promulgated by the WEF - AND CHINA?
On their leashes, many Americans are being led into a system of autocracy and, as a result, they are themselves trying on the robes of autocracy - imitating it, as a defense mechanism, I guess. But, instead of cooperating individuals, if you have a society full of little dictators, then there is nothing but strife, divide-and-conquer, and only the most powerful surviving. Fascism. Which always starts on the left. But, again, its sad to see this developing even in small towns. Especially weird to see in old ladies.
Not the fashionable college girls, but the table of other college girls who willingly and enthusiastically cleared away for me, yesterday. They, on the other hand, had the good, cheerful American attitude. Which I honour and work for. The attitude all the narcissists hate. The attitude not born from being on a leash. The attitude where, if you associate with it in any way, you are branded as being irresponsible, untrustworthy, or a pedophile. And, if you act like you are not weighted down by white guilt, rather than being buoyed by generosity, you are branded as being a racist. Fuck it all. Its pathetic and disgusting.
And, listen. I have been enduring great suffering all my life. Who are such people, to assume they have any rights or sway say in my life - in who I am or what I do?
Show is 2+ hours, but ofet very relevant and eve pithy.
I looked in the mirror and saw I have been gaining weight. This means I am not exiting more fat that I "take in,: despite the whole process/es of DETOX. This means that detox has not been as successful as I had hoped. (Maybe it could be, if I were allowed just to stay home for a year and stop exerting those muscles). And, this is more support for there being a lot of LGO in me. Fuck. "Everybody hurts," sings Michael Stipes - but not like this!
The alcohol might be related to the eye flashes disappearing temporarily, but, I can tell, it is NOT good for the eyes.
Yesterday, I imagined these little, "scenaria of hopelessness," which I might describe later, They don't involve me, directly. They probably all came from dreams, though. At 3:30am, I awakened to the sad, lovely strains of John Lennon, followed by REM... This two, plus Nirvana, often had the same sort of empty, existential angst thing going on.
PS - Leaving the library, (with difficulty), I contended with dark, spitty tornado weather. Luckilly, I've been keeping my black umbrella in the cab - smart. I was so full of fatigue and pain and, "stupid carelessness," that I really knew that, if I met the girl at the supermarket, I would not be in top, or even useful, form. And, this turned out to be true. She was offering cookies inside the store - which otherwise would have been the perfect opportunity to say something cute, but I just say no, in my loose goose way, at least giving her a longer-than normal look, and went on. Apparently, this was enough for her, because, after that, she began singing out, "Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee!" Ha ha, lol. So. Either she like me or she just likes males liking her, because there were a few male workers nearby, like dogs on leashes.
An advantage I have, here, is that everyone seems to be on leashes. And, this is one reason for all the passive aggressions, etc. And all the assumed petty competition, based on nothing but jealousy, insecurity and taking 'affrontery'. Bottle up. It's the reason why Army Guy just talked out loud, commenting on my behaviour - something was simply unfounded. But, he apparently had no social skills in working out these sorts of private knows. Same thing with the cafe owner just plain telling lies about me. Poor social skills - idiocy - can help identify narcissism - (existing despite alternative highly manipulative behaviour). [Or, maybe everyone, like me, is full of "COVID" brain cleavage. People are no longer clever. Their brains have been separated by cleavers. In the meat department].
Anyway... I mentioned that everyone here is seemingly very friendly, although, "quick to anger or take offense" - or something milder than this. ["Become annoyed" - maybe that was the term I was looking for]. Make one wrong move - like you, too, are not also on a leash, and they will get confused or angry, and will then proceed to try to politely put you back in your place. And how do they do the latter? By acting like little know-it-all autocrats. Automatic hypocrites, or Democrats... This seems to be coming a lot from older females. Like the woman at the cash register yesterday. Which was a silly little thing which I might bother desrcibing later. Just, trust me, this is the social situation here, and, naturally, I'll end up lampooning it in a novel.
But... Remember, when I first got here, I mentioned that a lot of people in minimal, or imaginary, positions of authority - mostly public SERVANTS - do this thing where, after you start up some exchange with them, they start telling you what to do? In small ways? Like, "I'm going to have you sign here,"? Same thing: Little automated tyrants. Its sad and ugly to see, former Americana declining into this petty garbage...
I watched another video on how the, "Chinese model," was being used as the rulebook for changing America. See how H.Clinton, the little dictator, projects again that if Trump is elected, he will become a terrible dictator? And you see all this censorship, and control, and deprivation, and so on - led and promulgated by the WEF - AND CHINA?
On their leashes, many Americans are being led into a system of autocracy and, as a result, they are themselves trying on the robes of autocracy - imitating it, as a defense mechanism, I guess. But, instead of cooperating individuals, if you have a society full of little dictators, then there is nothing but strife, divide-and-conquer, and only the most powerful surviving. Fascism. Which always starts on the left. But, again, its sad to see this developing even in small towns. Especially weird to see in old ladies.
Not the fashionable college girls, but the table of other college girls who willingly and enthusiastically cleared away for me, yesterday. They, on the other hand, had the good, cheerful American attitude. Which I honour and work for. The attitude all the narcissists hate. The attitude not born from being on a leash. The attitude where, if you associate with it in any way, you are branded as being irresponsible, untrustworthy, or a pedophile. And, if you act like you are not weighted down by white guilt, rather than being buoyed by generosity, you are branded as being a racist. Fuck it all. Its pathetic and disgusting.
And, listen. I have been enduring great suffering all my life. Who are such people, to assume they have any rights or sway say in my life - in who I am or what I do?
Show is 2+ hours, but ofet very relevant and eve pithy.