Will it go 'round in circles?
I have been having one of my central/front mega-headaches that is intractable as a giant tree-stump. I have been sleeping a huge amount, trying to shake it, but no ducks. Lucky that I have actually been able to sleep, though - that helps in other areas. I believe these rare headache gems, which feel like dead cells, might sometimes result when I drink even when I have a migraine. As you may know, drinking only makes migraines worse. But these little terrors are even worse than those.
My dog's personality changed after I brought him inside yesterday, noonish. He was fine during his daily cookie feast, of course, but then he lost all interest in me. Hardly even a tail-wag when I babied him. I felt his forehead, and it was warm. I just looked at him lying there, and it was like he was on his way to dying. This brought back memories of my beloved Malamute as she passed away from heat-stroke, or whatever it was. (Will never forget her being able, even while in severe torture, to extend her fore-paw to me a little, to comfort me as I fell apart desperately in tears and pleas).
But it turned out, he wasn't rally sick. Maybe a bit queasy from eating a tiny amount of weeds outside, and this affected his mood. But his mood was the real problem. It seemed like he was absolutely disappointed with me. So, I thought about this. I had done nothing unusual to summon such disfavour, other than to being annoyed slightly that he wouldn't sit down outside, as asked. (He gets this way when he is diverted by people outside, (or by his nose), or also because he wants it to look like he has no boss-of-him).
I thought back to what else had happened when we were outside. Yes, there had been two micro-aggressions from two angry males, at me (along with him). (I will clarify them later, LJ). See - one big problem when the Nethers attacked us day and night, (banging doors and walls, etc.), was that the stress made my dog nervous, but also it tested his loyalty to me. Thus: If people hated his master, then maybe his master was the problem - and so maybe get passive-aggresssive towards the master. (This is one way anger/violence spreads in society, you know). So, maybe now my dog, who had just been through a period of great delight in living with me, was suddenly thinking deeply that, because of those two incidents, maybe he should oppose me.
Later, as I got up to check for mail, I saw said dog sleeping on the floor, with his mouth quivering in a gaping snarl. And his whole body was trying to run or jump in his sleep. I have never seen him look so aggressive. In his dream, he was probably attacking or biting someone. Was it me? That would be just too weird - too much. So, I think he was trying to sort things out, but was really more interested in attacking either of those two angry males, and not me. (In his dreams). Well, after he had slept through that, he turned into a lovable little kid again, wagging his tail, waiting for the next wonderful thing from me.
Aside: This made me think about pets, or dogs as pets. (He is closest to wolf, btw). Think about it. They go from birth to death being our little children. They mainly have no problem with that, and feel little need to veer into radical political thinking, because they just go from hour-to-hour, living in comfort or security, looking forward to the next dinner, toy, treat, game, etc. Like being TV zombies, addicts, or kids living in cages in the basement. Of course, they were bred to be lifelong children, this is how we made them this way. But, it is a little sad that a full living creature never gets the chance to think or feel or act for himself of herself, independently.
But when something REAL outside threatens them, with life-or-death, their ancient instincts kick in, and the result can be hate, rebellion, confusion, chaos, etc. They may feel forced to stand alone. And to question loyalties. Or to choose loyalties, or defend loyalties. I think my dog woke up to the latter, and realised he was on my side.
But it was less about me than about those guys outside. First of all: The crazy bald man downstairs has been increasing his little assaults against me again. He, a consummate coward, has been daring so because he has noticed that everyone else around here is back to acting like I am the great white Satan. (This old man is Jewish, btw). Well, while I was sitting on my porch, nicely asking my dog to sit down, there came a GIANT loud coughing or throat-clearing from his window. I don't know what he thinks he is accomplishing by this cowardly nonsense - (more of which I could describe, of late). I just carried on as usual. But the aggression was obvious to my dog.
The second incident, yesterday, came from three black men, who stood staring directly at me and my dog, from across the street. One of them bitched angrily at, or about me. (Everyone acted like this as soon as I moved here, so it doesn't really have much to do with me. The prejudice comes before the facts). They were associated with the house across the way, which, for the last year or two, has been a party place for black males, but which is now up for sale, I wonder why. And I believe the bitching guy lives somewhere behind that house.
It could be that everyone over there has it in their heads that I had somehow gotten their (white) landlords to put that house up for sale - or it could just be that they are generalising their hate to me, as is the custom. But there is actually a history, where the bitching guy is concerned, and my dog remembers it...
Once, while I was with my dog ON THIS HERE PRIVATE PROPERTY, lanky Bitchy Guy opens up yelling at me with a mouth bigger than a toaster, telling me to control my dog! My poor Alpha dog had to just tolerate this hate. He had done nothing wrong. And I don't know how he is supposed to go to the bathroom otherwise. Insane. So, I just ate it, although it riled my CFS nerves. But, some time later, it turns out that the guy gets moved in to the house right next door! Looked like trouble would be inevitable, as this guy had no other issue than prejudiced hate against me.
Along with a white wife or gf, he had two mean, barking dogs in there. I am sure the wife tamped down his constant anger, although it circulated through the dogs, the neighbourhood, ad infinitum, as well. Every time I went outside with my dog, these dogs barked loudly and violently at us. Finally, as I saw the wife peering at us out the window, as if we were criminals, I shouted, "SHUT UP YOUR DOGS!" - just as Bitching Guy had yelled at me. What comes around goes around.
I had no ideas what trouble might come of this, but I would have been ready to kill this jerk if he were to attack me. Same way I feel about A-hole guy...who, btw, jumped out right after I had yelled at that house, shouting, "You don't yell at these people!" Because, A-hole Guy is not only the handyman for the LL of that house, thinking he owns the hood, but he also will never miss a chance to make himself look 'good' and me to look bad.
These are the politics played out by idiots who have no clue they are perpetuating the stereotype of the angry black male, or that, by it, they are bringing their whole community down.
So much stress these two have caused me - along with the Nethers, with whom A-hole guy is associated, and along with the crazy man downstairs - and now all these new white people who are buying into to the party line, at a time when it is fine to single out white males as voodoo dolls representing Trump. But, it turns out that the actual landlord of that house, (a black woman who lives nearby), ended up evicting Bitching Guy, his wife, and those two dangerous dogs. My incident probably helped. But they probably also had rent issues with such a loser. One day, I looked out my window, and the police were breaking into their apartment. I believe all they found were the two dogs.
Later, once, while I was walking my dog, we heard dogs barking, coming from somewhere behind that house across the way, which I told you about, (and which is now for sale). Sure enough, my dog and I recognised these dogs as being those had been evicted from next-door. It caused my dog a little stress, even though they were far away. It gets filed away into DREAMS.
As went took my dog out, 2:30am, last night, and got to our spot 'closest' to the house across the way, someone set of a serious of loud fireworks - from somewhere behind that house. Who do you suppose that was? And why do you suppose he was doing that? Coincidentally: right when my dog and I were nearby, at our regular time?
Those fireworks might have been inspired by something else, though. Besides this, or general frustration. Just yesterday, the apparently Catholic black couple who lives in the brick house next door to that house sat on their porch and had a loud joking match with some older woman sitting on the steps of that house (across the way). It was very friendly. Which was unusual, because the Catholic couple had apparently never socialised with the group at that house, heretofore. Now knowing that the jerks next-door were soon to be moving, maybe they were just doing that catholic thing where they try to prove that they are great wonderful people despite all the lies, or etc., of the past. And, so, maybe angered by this, Bitching Guy, and the fat man that rents that house the way, set off the fire-crackers in retaliation against the Catholics.
Note that the 'catholic' couple once had two teens living with them, who are now gone. I got some weird behaviour from the girl. And the boy sometimes stood outside their house, next to the sidewalk, glaring at me, meaning to intimidate me. (The very day he was moving his stuff out, he espied me standing up to A-hole guy, and must have realised what a derelict he had been, thinking he had ever intimidated me). Well, that is exactly what Bitching Guy pulled yesterday, right, with his two cohorts? And that is what Nether Guy did when I first moved here - him standing on the front lawn glaring directly at me, only feet away, as I loaded my stuff from truck inside. This is either something they do in this town, or it is something nationwide which I never noticed because all the CFS time I spent in Ye Olde City. Anyway, it is a black racist affront, based on the assumption that all whites are afraid of blacks.
Also, most of this is just weird, dysfunctional passive aggression - this is how life goes on around here, and occasionally people get shot. Trying to keep everyone down. But mostly it is a retarded mindset which everyone shares. Up until a two years ago, there were cherry bommb and gunshots going on all around here. BB-gun pellets were shot at my windows. All sorts of passive aggression, trying to get me to move away. Etc. I happen to have a bunch of cherry bommbs of my own, by chance, from years and years ago. Yet I have never set a single one off here, in the last 7 years dealing with this nonsense. I thought about the idea, but was above it. For one thing, I don't want to harm the psyches of any kids around here, any more than they are being damaged. But, also, my philosophical ideas are now part of my body, and my body doesn't see the sense in it. And, because of my solitary inclination, crime, and gunshots, and cherry bommbs, have all gone down every year since I have been here. Up until last night.
I see the hate all revving up again, despite all my efforts and patience and suffering. (I am not being melodramatic - I suffer via CFS). And I see how it is being done - mainly via A-hole Guy. And I see how this black community is being screwed by these Alpha Assholes.
There are vast forces beyond my control, pushing in to return everything and everyone to the Mean World Order. That includes national politics, economics, corporations, elites, television, video games, mental illness, global warming, every stripe of racism, sexism, etc., as well as these Alpha Asshole who always try to exploit any sign of peace, happiness, freedom, progress, etc., whenever they can. They swoop in like gas to a vacuum. All I am trying to do is live my life with least harm to my CFS and my dog. But to walk free means to walk against the hate.
Considering what will be happening to the global environments and economies, with increasing global warming, I see little amelioration of rising social strife everywhere, which is the true criminal behind all these mass shootings. You look at some of my entries and should see there are real factors going on that could drive weaker men than me to violence.
This is one reason I write these things out. To let you see the finer details of the bigger picture, from one person's perspective. Even how negativity and micro-aggressions affect my dog, and how it all keeps circulating within society, ever-evoking repetitions of violence. I am not trying to cause anxiety or hate in you. I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO WAKE UP - AND TO GROW UP. I am alone in my existence, and so it helps that you at least read.
I've been anticipating doing some weeding soon. That would be sure to cause all kinds of weirdness now - and it would look like I am being defiant. But with this headache, and having been up when I am usually sleeping, I might end up postponing this one more day - maybe 'til after the coming rains. We'll see how I feel. I need to rest.
My dog is sleeping now, in this bedroom. He is dreaming, with his paws knocking the wall. Surely to warrant more attacks from the insane man downstairs.
Update: Dog is happy. Health was not up to doing weeding. Got yelled at by some man on porch of party house across the way. Filled with drunks.
My dog's personality changed after I brought him inside yesterday, noonish. He was fine during his daily cookie feast, of course, but then he lost all interest in me. Hardly even a tail-wag when I babied him. I felt his forehead, and it was warm. I just looked at him lying there, and it was like he was on his way to dying. This brought back memories of my beloved Malamute as she passed away from heat-stroke, or whatever it was. (Will never forget her being able, even while in severe torture, to extend her fore-paw to me a little, to comfort me as I fell apart desperately in tears and pleas).
But it turned out, he wasn't rally sick. Maybe a bit queasy from eating a tiny amount of weeds outside, and this affected his mood. But his mood was the real problem. It seemed like he was absolutely disappointed with me. So, I thought about this. I had done nothing unusual to summon such disfavour, other than to being annoyed slightly that he wouldn't sit down outside, as asked. (He gets this way when he is diverted by people outside, (or by his nose), or also because he wants it to look like he has no boss-of-him).
I thought back to what else had happened when we were outside. Yes, there had been two micro-aggressions from two angry males, at me (along with him). (I will clarify them later, LJ). See - one big problem when the Nethers attacked us day and night, (banging doors and walls, etc.), was that the stress made my dog nervous, but also it tested his loyalty to me. Thus: If people hated his master, then maybe his master was the problem - and so maybe get passive-aggresssive towards the master. (This is one way anger/violence spreads in society, you know). So, maybe now my dog, who had just been through a period of great delight in living with me, was suddenly thinking deeply that, because of those two incidents, maybe he should oppose me.
Later, as I got up to check for mail, I saw said dog sleeping on the floor, with his mouth quivering in a gaping snarl. And his whole body was trying to run or jump in his sleep. I have never seen him look so aggressive. In his dream, he was probably attacking or biting someone. Was it me? That would be just too weird - too much. So, I think he was trying to sort things out, but was really more interested in attacking either of those two angry males, and not me. (In his dreams). Well, after he had slept through that, he turned into a lovable little kid again, wagging his tail, waiting for the next wonderful thing from me.
Aside: This made me think about pets, or dogs as pets. (He is closest to wolf, btw). Think about it. They go from birth to death being our little children. They mainly have no problem with that, and feel little need to veer into radical political thinking, because they just go from hour-to-hour, living in comfort or security, looking forward to the next dinner, toy, treat, game, etc. Like being TV zombies, addicts, or kids living in cages in the basement. Of course, they were bred to be lifelong children, this is how we made them this way. But, it is a little sad that a full living creature never gets the chance to think or feel or act for himself of herself, independently.
But when something REAL outside threatens them, with life-or-death, their ancient instincts kick in, and the result can be hate, rebellion, confusion, chaos, etc. They may feel forced to stand alone. And to question loyalties. Or to choose loyalties, or defend loyalties. I think my dog woke up to the latter, and realised he was on my side.
But it was less about me than about those guys outside. First of all: The crazy bald man downstairs has been increasing his little assaults against me again. He, a consummate coward, has been daring so because he has noticed that everyone else around here is back to acting like I am the great white Satan. (This old man is Jewish, btw). Well, while I was sitting on my porch, nicely asking my dog to sit down, there came a GIANT loud coughing or throat-clearing from his window. I don't know what he thinks he is accomplishing by this cowardly nonsense - (more of which I could describe, of late). I just carried on as usual. But the aggression was obvious to my dog.
The second incident, yesterday, came from three black men, who stood staring directly at me and my dog, from across the street. One of them bitched angrily at, or about me. (Everyone acted like this as soon as I moved here, so it doesn't really have much to do with me. The prejudice comes before the facts). They were associated with the house across the way, which, for the last year or two, has been a party place for black males, but which is now up for sale, I wonder why. And I believe the bitching guy lives somewhere behind that house.
It could be that everyone over there has it in their heads that I had somehow gotten their (white) landlords to put that house up for sale - or it could just be that they are generalising their hate to me, as is the custom. But there is actually a history, where the bitching guy is concerned, and my dog remembers it...
Once, while I was with my dog ON THIS HERE PRIVATE PROPERTY, lanky Bitchy Guy opens up yelling at me with a mouth bigger than a toaster, telling me to control my dog! My poor Alpha dog had to just tolerate this hate. He had done nothing wrong. And I don't know how he is supposed to go to the bathroom otherwise. Insane. So, I just ate it, although it riled my CFS nerves. But, some time later, it turns out that the guy gets moved in to the house right next door! Looked like trouble would be inevitable, as this guy had no other issue than prejudiced hate against me.
Along with a white wife or gf, he had two mean, barking dogs in there. I am sure the wife tamped down his constant anger, although it circulated through the dogs, the neighbourhood, ad infinitum, as well. Every time I went outside with my dog, these dogs barked loudly and violently at us. Finally, as I saw the wife peering at us out the window, as if we were criminals, I shouted, "SHUT UP YOUR DOGS!" - just as Bitching Guy had yelled at me. What comes around goes around.
I had no ideas what trouble might come of this, but I would have been ready to kill this jerk if he were to attack me. Same way I feel about A-hole guy...who, btw, jumped out right after I had yelled at that house, shouting, "You don't yell at these people!" Because, A-hole Guy is not only the handyman for the LL of that house, thinking he owns the hood, but he also will never miss a chance to make himself look 'good' and me to look bad.
These are the politics played out by idiots who have no clue they are perpetuating the stereotype of the angry black male, or that, by it, they are bringing their whole community down.
So much stress these two have caused me - along with the Nethers, with whom A-hole guy is associated, and along with the crazy man downstairs - and now all these new white people who are buying into to the party line, at a time when it is fine to single out white males as voodoo dolls representing Trump. But, it turns out that the actual landlord of that house, (a black woman who lives nearby), ended up evicting Bitching Guy, his wife, and those two dangerous dogs. My incident probably helped. But they probably also had rent issues with such a loser. One day, I looked out my window, and the police were breaking into their apartment. I believe all they found were the two dogs.
Later, once, while I was walking my dog, we heard dogs barking, coming from somewhere behind that house across the way, which I told you about, (and which is now for sale). Sure enough, my dog and I recognised these dogs as being those had been evicted from next-door. It caused my dog a little stress, even though they were far away. It gets filed away into DREAMS.
As went took my dog out, 2:30am, last night, and got to our spot 'closest' to the house across the way, someone set of a serious of loud fireworks - from somewhere behind that house. Who do you suppose that was? And why do you suppose he was doing that? Coincidentally: right when my dog and I were nearby, at our regular time?
Those fireworks might have been inspired by something else, though. Besides this, or general frustration. Just yesterday, the apparently Catholic black couple who lives in the brick house next door to that house sat on their porch and had a loud joking match with some older woman sitting on the steps of that house (across the way). It was very friendly. Which was unusual, because the Catholic couple had apparently never socialised with the group at that house, heretofore. Now knowing that the jerks next-door were soon to be moving, maybe they were just doing that catholic thing where they try to prove that they are great wonderful people despite all the lies, or etc., of the past. And, so, maybe angered by this, Bitching Guy, and the fat man that rents that house the way, set off the fire-crackers in retaliation against the Catholics.
Note that the 'catholic' couple once had two teens living with them, who are now gone. I got some weird behaviour from the girl. And the boy sometimes stood outside their house, next to the sidewalk, glaring at me, meaning to intimidate me. (The very day he was moving his stuff out, he espied me standing up to A-hole guy, and must have realised what a derelict he had been, thinking he had ever intimidated me). Well, that is exactly what Bitching Guy pulled yesterday, right, with his two cohorts? And that is what Nether Guy did when I first moved here - him standing on the front lawn glaring directly at me, only feet away, as I loaded my stuff from truck inside. This is either something they do in this town, or it is something nationwide which I never noticed because all the CFS time I spent in Ye Olde City. Anyway, it is a black racist affront, based on the assumption that all whites are afraid of blacks.
Also, most of this is just weird, dysfunctional passive aggression - this is how life goes on around here, and occasionally people get shot. Trying to keep everyone down. But mostly it is a retarded mindset which everyone shares. Up until a two years ago, there were cherry bommb and gunshots going on all around here. BB-gun pellets were shot at my windows. All sorts of passive aggression, trying to get me to move away. Etc. I happen to have a bunch of cherry bommbs of my own, by chance, from years and years ago. Yet I have never set a single one off here, in the last 7 years dealing with this nonsense. I thought about the idea, but was above it. For one thing, I don't want to harm the psyches of any kids around here, any more than they are being damaged. But, also, my philosophical ideas are now part of my body, and my body doesn't see the sense in it. And, because of my solitary inclination, crime, and gunshots, and cherry bommbs, have all gone down every year since I have been here. Up until last night.
I see the hate all revving up again, despite all my efforts and patience and suffering. (I am not being melodramatic - I suffer via CFS). And I see how it is being done - mainly via A-hole Guy. And I see how this black community is being screwed by these Alpha Assholes.
There are vast forces beyond my control, pushing in to return everything and everyone to the Mean World Order. That includes national politics, economics, corporations, elites, television, video games, mental illness, global warming, every stripe of racism, sexism, etc., as well as these Alpha Asshole who always try to exploit any sign of peace, happiness, freedom, progress, etc., whenever they can. They swoop in like gas to a vacuum. All I am trying to do is live my life with least harm to my CFS and my dog. But to walk free means to walk against the hate.
Considering what will be happening to the global environments and economies, with increasing global warming, I see little amelioration of rising social strife everywhere, which is the true criminal behind all these mass shootings. You look at some of my entries and should see there are real factors going on that could drive weaker men than me to violence.
This is one reason I write these things out. To let you see the finer details of the bigger picture, from one person's perspective. Even how negativity and micro-aggressions affect my dog, and how it all keeps circulating within society, ever-evoking repetitions of violence. I am not trying to cause anxiety or hate in you. I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO WAKE UP - AND TO GROW UP. I am alone in my existence, and so it helps that you at least read.
I've been anticipating doing some weeding soon. That would be sure to cause all kinds of weirdness now - and it would look like I am being defiant. But with this headache, and having been up when I am usually sleeping, I might end up postponing this one more day - maybe 'til after the coming rains. We'll see how I feel. I need to rest.
My dog is sleeping now, in this bedroom. He is dreaming, with his paws knocking the wall. Surely to warrant more attacks from the insane man downstairs.
Update: Dog is happy. Health was not up to doing weeding. Got yelled at by some man on porch of party house across the way. Filled with drunks.