(no subject)
Ok, life in the liquid diet lane aint so bad after all. I stopped by a yardsale day b4 yesterday and stepped on a supposedly accurate bathroom scale that said I was down to 200 lbs which makes it a total of 38 lbs lost this year, and that was two days ago! I gotta be in the 190s by now and I am starting to think 185 might even be attainable someday. Funny, these days I actually find myself thinking..."Thanks but I don't really need anything" sometimes when I normally would be goin "Yeah, I'll try that, and by the way, you eating that pile of really tasty looking goop? My doubvle sized grease dripping triple decker hamburger with the soggy because they are so saturated with grease fires just didn't quite fill me up" . I like it a LOT. Anyhow, been staying at home more in the evenings and that has made things easier on the wallet, which is a goodness because the money stuff has gotta change. I have been running in the red so long I might panic if I see a number written in any other color.
I am gonna open my big trap and just blurt out that I am really scared to take the last steps to curing my apnea. The other day I heard myself say I would rather die young than walk around with a hole in my neck, and by today I know it was a lie. I am losing weight and pushing myself physically a bit to try and get some stamina, and I did 5 miles or so in the 100 degree heat on foot just yesterday with no ill effects. I have the prospect of being around a good long time if I have no permanent damage elsewhere, and maybe I have a wanderjahr or two comin after all. I keep thinking about that Morris L. West quote
It costs so much to be a full human being that there are very few who have the enlightement or the courage to pay the price. One has to abandon altogether the search for security and reach out to the risk of living with both arms. One has to embrace the world like a lover. One has to accept pain as a condition of existence. One has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing. One needs a will stubborn in conflict but apt always to total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying.
Once I wanted to be that kind of man, I don't really know when it started to be ok to stay broken if there was any other way. I guess the health stuff had me too down, so many things we tried and nothing working musta worn me out, I am lucky I got beaten into eating less and suchlike by that one dr. What he said had enough of an effect that I changed one or two simple things and that made all the rest happen. It's a slow thing, but I am come to the conclusion that it is not going to be ok to stay offline for much longer, I have a glimmer of light down at the end of the tunnel and for once I am pretty sure it is not an oncoming train. But it is frightening anyway, and I am gonna probably drag my heels some on the way, so I guess I better just hope we got a sudden dearth of trains for a while.....
I am gonna open my big trap and just blurt out that I am really scared to take the last steps to curing my apnea. The other day I heard myself say I would rather die young than walk around with a hole in my neck, and by today I know it was a lie. I am losing weight and pushing myself physically a bit to try and get some stamina, and I did 5 miles or so in the 100 degree heat on foot just yesterday with no ill effects. I have the prospect of being around a good long time if I have no permanent damage elsewhere, and maybe I have a wanderjahr or two comin after all. I keep thinking about that Morris L. West quote
It costs so much to be a full human being that there are very few who have the enlightement or the courage to pay the price. One has to abandon altogether the search for security and reach out to the risk of living with both arms. One has to embrace the world like a lover. One has to accept pain as a condition of existence. One has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing. One needs a will stubborn in conflict but apt always to total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying.
Once I wanted to be that kind of man, I don't really know when it started to be ok to stay broken if there was any other way. I guess the health stuff had me too down, so many things we tried and nothing working musta worn me out, I am lucky I got beaten into eating less and suchlike by that one dr. What he said had enough of an effect that I changed one or two simple things and that made all the rest happen. It's a slow thing, but I am come to the conclusion that it is not going to be ok to stay offline for much longer, I have a glimmer of light down at the end of the tunnel and for once I am pretty sure it is not an oncoming train. But it is frightening anyway, and I am gonna probably drag my heels some on the way, so I guess I better just hope we got a sudden dearth of trains for a while.....