I hate epiphanies.
I was thinking about the decision making process that lead me to leave Christian, to physically be the one to pack a bag and move out, (although he chose to end our marriage.) He had in mind that I would live with him almost indefinately, until I 'got myself sorted out.' Looking back, and doing a bit of mind reading, he 'wanted a divorce.' I don't think he ever thought about me actually leaving his life. Until I pissed him off in the spring, he was still summoning me regularly to eat dinner with him and listen to his problems. I wonder if he just wanted to beat me down a bit further, teach me a lesson, and then get me back in the kitchen.
The humiliation continues; I just cannot believe what I tolerated, and what I allowed people to see me tolerate. I hate to think, and in many instances know, I was the topic over dinner: What on earth does she see in him? Why does she put up with this shit? No, don't invite her, he'll come along and scowl at everyone... I hate reading my journal; it goes, C is the best, we're going to adopt, C wants a divorce.
I feel like such a knob.
But, god, my life is so much better now than it has been in years! I have a future! So, as soon as I can, I will forgive myself. I am beginning to. I have help.
The humiliation continues; I just cannot believe what I tolerated, and what I allowed people to see me tolerate. I hate to think, and in many instances know, I was the topic over dinner: What on earth does she see in him? Why does she put up with this shit? No, don't invite her, he'll come along and scowl at everyone... I hate reading my journal; it goes, C is the best, we're going to adopt, C wants a divorce.
I feel like such a knob.
But, god, my life is so much better now than it has been in years! I have a future! So, as soon as I can, I will forgive myself. I am beginning to. I have help.