I guess I'll be fine
So after last weekends mayhem and horrible degression of self I think I'm sort of over it. Everytime I think of his face I feel sick to my stomach, but at least I haven't thrown up since Saturay morning. My room mate who is pretty much a god send realized how bad I felt in general so she took me outside into the sunshine and to the top of this hill and we sat and she drew while I wrote. I got a lot out and it turns out the power of the pen is mighterier than the sword (is that the saying?). I was thinking about how much I loved Andrew and how sad I am that I've kinda grown out of love with him. I was thinking back to lying beside this stranger and how our bodies just didn't fit together as well as mine did with Andrews and that really hurts. Knowing that subconciously I was like- fine you arn't going to pay attention to me all the time I'll find someone else-- god I can be so immature sometimes. So as I went out of my way to hurt him, I hurt me too- worse. And not only did I emotionally hurt myself I put myself in a lot of physical danger and in retrospect it sends chills down my spine. God I hate hormones. And to make things worse Andrew is being so weird. Our long drawn out conversations pertaining to life, love, rowing whatever have ceased completely and now all I get are quick blips of his life. Such as the "I have an exam in an hour" YAY- TTFN" And lets be honest unless you're a rich old white lady or someone trying to emulate that type of je ne sais quoi you should never ever say TTFN - so I think he's probably gay. Fuck me. I can't wait to go home only 22 more days in this hole and then I can be with my Dave and Eric, Sally and Madeline. Those beautiful spirits that make my life worth lviing! How I miss their beautiful faces. Oh and I know that once again I'm behaving like a little girl, but damn I miss my mom. Like a lot a lot! So, I am incredibly excited for that- and making her dinner and seeing my family at the christmas table! I love it! I think I need a therapist. Pretending to be stable is kinda killing me and then I act out and do dumb shit. I think I need to call my friend Chris and make him have sympathy for me then make some tea and sit in my fat sweatpants and mope... then go to practice and sweat off any anger left in me... that should balance me out.