lost
Ugh. I'm so annoyed. I'm just poopey all the time and I feel this animosity toward my HBO. Things that he says or does. He's not affectionate enough, it doesn't seem like he's attracted to me. I'm not getting enough attention. Its enough to annoy probably anyone. ugh.
Something is up and I can't put my finger on what it is. It s good sign its probably something wrong with me if I'm trying and trying to find something wrong with other people. Getting at the heart of the matter, while I don't really want to admit it, thinking about all of this wedding details stuff is starting to make me blank. There are so many things in the world of so much importance than my wedding. I lose my perspective and myself in it too. How do I center myself amid thoughts about my hairstyle or bouquet or how the dessert buffet is going to work. I look online at wedding pictures for "inspiration" but am I really doing myself a disservice by opening up this window into the limitless world of how to do a wedding? how to spend $$ on a wedding. What is a reasonable thing here?
I feel like I don't have my own musical tastes or my own reading going on, or movie choices. I feel like I've lost my personality in a lot of ways. Where are my opinions on things? Where is my curiosity. Everyday, I think I should be reading other things that are more important. A book, the news, but somehow it gets lost in the "daily." And in my daily I don't have much time to myself. Even in hula, I don't feel very present. I haven't actually been going very regularly so I feel disconnected and sometimes I think that hula is one of the things that connects me to something larger than I am. And I keep having that one foot out the door since I want to move on to nursing school etc and would have to change my committment. But, how about if I lived life with both feet inside the doorway. what would things look like then? And what is balance--because if balance is trying to have your feet everywhere is that really a way to live fully?
maybe its time to commit and be honest with situations when they arise, instead of always trying to be one step ahead. Like practice being 100% "in" and focused. Like when I'm at work, I'm at work. Wedding details = wedding details. hula = hula. Family = family. With friends, be with friends. Gotta stop looking at the door, maybe thats where I'm going wrong here. I do need to focus some energy on myself with good books or something. Ugh, and I'm going to try to let go of this animosity right here, what is it from????
Something is up and I can't put my finger on what it is. It s good sign its probably something wrong with me if I'm trying and trying to find something wrong with other people. Getting at the heart of the matter, while I don't really want to admit it, thinking about all of this wedding details stuff is starting to make me blank. There are so many things in the world of so much importance than my wedding. I lose my perspective and myself in it too. How do I center myself amid thoughts about my hairstyle or bouquet or how the dessert buffet is going to work. I look online at wedding pictures for "inspiration" but am I really doing myself a disservice by opening up this window into the limitless world of how to do a wedding? how to spend $$ on a wedding. What is a reasonable thing here?
I feel like I don't have my own musical tastes or my own reading going on, or movie choices. I feel like I've lost my personality in a lot of ways. Where are my opinions on things? Where is my curiosity. Everyday, I think I should be reading other things that are more important. A book, the news, but somehow it gets lost in the "daily." And in my daily I don't have much time to myself. Even in hula, I don't feel very present. I haven't actually been going very regularly so I feel disconnected and sometimes I think that hula is one of the things that connects me to something larger than I am. And I keep having that one foot out the door since I want to move on to nursing school etc and would have to change my committment. But, how about if I lived life with both feet inside the doorway. what would things look like then? And what is balance--because if balance is trying to have your feet everywhere is that really a way to live fully?
maybe its time to commit and be honest with situations when they arise, instead of always trying to be one step ahead. Like practice being 100% "in" and focused. Like when I'm at work, I'm at work. Wedding details = wedding details. hula = hula. Family = family. With friends, be with friends. Gotta stop looking at the door, maybe thats where I'm going wrong here. I do need to focus some energy on myself with good books or something. Ugh, and I'm going to try to let go of this animosity right here, what is it from????