(no subject)
Marcus came to me the other day. Xander was still at work and I'd just gotten back from the Magic Box and showing Buffy and the others the pictures from the school. When I drove up, I saw Marcus sitting in front of the door and I don't know, it hit me how young and lost he looks sometimes.
I'm not sure what I expect when I let him inside. Maybe that he wanted to talk about Alan considering their history together. We talked about the investigation and the violence of the high school. I answered his questions and then his voice got so quiet. He started to tell me about his parents. About the things he survived and the fears he has about his temper.
I'm never going to get used to hearing about parents that are so low on the scum totem pole that they not only allow other people to hurt their children, but they hurt them as well. He's still a kid and I want to protect him from ever suffering again. Except the chances of being able to protect anyone in this town is slim to none.
One of things i've learned on the job is when someone (I refuse to call Marcus a victim, he's a survivor) has their guard up. When they have a barrier and do not wish anyone to cross their personal space. As much as I immediately wanted to wrap my arms around him and just hold him, I had to refrain. At first. It wasn't until we'd talked for awhile that I saw the personal barrier fade and Marcus lean towards me instead of curling up into himself.
I tried to offer support and understanding. Explained he wasn't alone and that he was so much stronger than he could ever imagine. He let me hold him and reassure him and it hit me, not for the first time, how young these kids are. How Xan, Buffy and the rest of us aren't even that much older but I feel decades older. I don't want Marcus or the others to see the things the rest of us had until they get so numb they can't feel the affects anymore.
Yet is it better to be like I am? Unable to be numb so whenever something happens It hits me so hard I feel knocked in the gut?
I don't know. All I know is the Woods got off easy compared to what they did to their son. That Marcus will recover and I have faith he will be all right. Doesn't mean I don't agree with Xander that the kids, the boys, don't need to be out there. The girls are slayers and yeah Xan was a human, but he had no business being out there when he their age.
Tonight we all patrol together. I keep looking at Candace and Zoe and thinking about Marcus, Nick, Jake and Amber. Then I look at Xander and it's like this cycle of being so scared someone is going to be the next to get hurt.
I'm not sure what I expect when I let him inside. Maybe that he wanted to talk about Alan considering their history together. We talked about the investigation and the violence of the high school. I answered his questions and then his voice got so quiet. He started to tell me about his parents. About the things he survived and the fears he has about his temper.
I'm never going to get used to hearing about parents that are so low on the scum totem pole that they not only allow other people to hurt their children, but they hurt them as well. He's still a kid and I want to protect him from ever suffering again. Except the chances of being able to protect anyone in this town is slim to none.
One of things i've learned on the job is when someone (I refuse to call Marcus a victim, he's a survivor) has their guard up. When they have a barrier and do not wish anyone to cross their personal space. As much as I immediately wanted to wrap my arms around him and just hold him, I had to refrain. At first. It wasn't until we'd talked for awhile that I saw the personal barrier fade and Marcus lean towards me instead of curling up into himself.
I tried to offer support and understanding. Explained he wasn't alone and that he was so much stronger than he could ever imagine. He let me hold him and reassure him and it hit me, not for the first time, how young these kids are. How Xan, Buffy and the rest of us aren't even that much older but I feel decades older. I don't want Marcus or the others to see the things the rest of us had until they get so numb they can't feel the affects anymore.
Yet is it better to be like I am? Unable to be numb so whenever something happens It hits me so hard I feel knocked in the gut?
I don't know. All I know is the Woods got off easy compared to what they did to their son. That Marcus will recover and I have faith he will be all right. Doesn't mean I don't agree with Xander that the kids, the boys, don't need to be out there. The girls are slayers and yeah Xan was a human, but he had no business being out there when he their age.
Tonight we all patrol together. I keep looking at Candace and Zoe and thinking about Marcus, Nick, Jake and Amber. Then I look at Xander and it's like this cycle of being so scared someone is going to be the next to get hurt.