Poly NRE
The heart beats faster and the breath catches in our lungs when we think about them, our new flames all hot and bright and shiny. Every phone call makes us giggle in the hopes that it is from them. Hours pass by like minutes when we are together with them and minutes last for days when they are away from us. It is an intoxicant without equal which draws two strangers together, obscuring our faults just long enough for them to get to know us and, gods willing, fall in love with us.
NRE. Gotta love it.
Our friends, however, are not charmed by the same captivating spell of Eros. They have to endure us acting like kids half our age. They fight the urge to throw cold water on us when we are lost, doe eyed and panting, in the embrace of our new loves. They wait patiently for us to remember that we had made plans with them before Bright New Shiny Person showed up. If the worse happens and we lose our new found love, our friends are there to say “It’ll be ok” even if what they want to say is “Saw that comin’ dumb ass”
When we’re in a poly relationship, a relationship where we have established and committed partners in our lives already, NRE does not affect us alone. It’s one thing for our friends to wonder when we’ll show up for game night instead of date night but it is another thing entirely for a spouse or partner to stand on the side lines while waiting for the spell to run its course. We do our best to prevent seeming like we’re distracted when we’re at home but the truth is, like it or not, they know where our heads are from time to time. They know because we were once their Bright New Shiny Person and they were ours.
Familiarity may not always breed contempt but it frequently spawns complacency.
How do we balance the thrill of NRE with the stability of bonds that have already proven their strength? How do we share the excitement of discovering new aspects of a love with the ones that we have known for years and who know us for who and what we are when we’re not Bright or New or Shiny? We all want to believe that because we are poly we are immune to the fear and uncertainty, the jealousy and insecurity that come when we watch those we love falling in love with someone else. No matter how hard we try, however, we are only human and can no more deny these feelings than we can deny joy and love. It is the attempts to refuse to acknowledge these feelings, either by the ones feeling them or by their partners, that have the highest possibility to throw the carefully and delicately balanced nature of poly relationships into turmoil.
Speaking for myself, because that is the only person I can speak for, poly is about finding one or more aspects of a relationship that are unique and special in that partner and no other. It is not about prioritizing each relationship in a hierarchy of worth but in sharing all of my self with each of them. Even though I fully understand that “fair” and “equal” are not interchangeable terms, I can not love one any more than I do even if he or she were the only one in my life. Each person I share my heart and love with gets the whole package, if they are willing to accept it.
The problem for me begins when I forget to remind one or more of that unique ingredient to my fulfillment they bring to the recipe. When, in the fog of NRE, I forget to remind my established relationships why I chose to be with them how can they not think that I am drifting away? When I neglect to communicate the joy I feel to be in their company every minute that we share together, how can they possibly know the rush of excitement buzzing through my body as I make plans to see them? Mutual understanding and consent among the parties does not eliminate the feeling of loss every time I forget something as simple yet as important as reminding everyone how much they mean to me.
I am lucky enough to share my life with some amazing women and a wonderful man. There are days I fall short of my own expectations even if they all insist they I exceed theirs. There have been times when, blinded by the brightness of one flame, I have forgotten to stoke the hearths of another’s fire. Sometimes my actions do not follow my personal definition of the importance of each member of my family even if it is only my definition that I am committed to adhere to. For those who may have felt that my heart’s fire for them has cooled let me breathe new life on those coals and fan the flames of love and passion again.
I want each of you to be my Bright Shiny Person again.
NRE. Gotta love it.
Our friends, however, are not charmed by the same captivating spell of Eros. They have to endure us acting like kids half our age. They fight the urge to throw cold water on us when we are lost, doe eyed and panting, in the embrace of our new loves. They wait patiently for us to remember that we had made plans with them before Bright New Shiny Person showed up. If the worse happens and we lose our new found love, our friends are there to say “It’ll be ok” even if what they want to say is “Saw that comin’ dumb ass”
When we’re in a poly relationship, a relationship where we have established and committed partners in our lives already, NRE does not affect us alone. It’s one thing for our friends to wonder when we’ll show up for game night instead of date night but it is another thing entirely for a spouse or partner to stand on the side lines while waiting for the spell to run its course. We do our best to prevent seeming like we’re distracted when we’re at home but the truth is, like it or not, they know where our heads are from time to time. They know because we were once their Bright New Shiny Person and they were ours.
Familiarity may not always breed contempt but it frequently spawns complacency.
How do we balance the thrill of NRE with the stability of bonds that have already proven their strength? How do we share the excitement of discovering new aspects of a love with the ones that we have known for years and who know us for who and what we are when we’re not Bright or New or Shiny? We all want to believe that because we are poly we are immune to the fear and uncertainty, the jealousy and insecurity that come when we watch those we love falling in love with someone else. No matter how hard we try, however, we are only human and can no more deny these feelings than we can deny joy and love. It is the attempts to refuse to acknowledge these feelings, either by the ones feeling them or by their partners, that have the highest possibility to throw the carefully and delicately balanced nature of poly relationships into turmoil.
Speaking for myself, because that is the only person I can speak for, poly is about finding one or more aspects of a relationship that are unique and special in that partner and no other. It is not about prioritizing each relationship in a hierarchy of worth but in sharing all of my self with each of them. Even though I fully understand that “fair” and “equal” are not interchangeable terms, I can not love one any more than I do even if he or she were the only one in my life. Each person I share my heart and love with gets the whole package, if they are willing to accept it.
The problem for me begins when I forget to remind one or more of that unique ingredient to my fulfillment they bring to the recipe. When, in the fog of NRE, I forget to remind my established relationships why I chose to be with them how can they not think that I am drifting away? When I neglect to communicate the joy I feel to be in their company every minute that we share together, how can they possibly know the rush of excitement buzzing through my body as I make plans to see them? Mutual understanding and consent among the parties does not eliminate the feeling of loss every time I forget something as simple yet as important as reminding everyone how much they mean to me.
I am lucky enough to share my life with some amazing women and a wonderful man. There are days I fall short of my own expectations even if they all insist they I exceed theirs. There have been times when, blinded by the brightness of one flame, I have forgotten to stoke the hearths of another’s fire. Sometimes my actions do not follow my personal definition of the importance of each member of my family even if it is only my definition that I am committed to adhere to. For those who may have felt that my heart’s fire for them has cooled let me breathe new life on those coals and fan the flames of love and passion again.
I want each of you to be my Bright Shiny Person again.