The Search for Home
It's been a long time since I've done this and it shows. I feel like a huge part of my life is out of my control right now.
Maybe it's just a mood or maybe I'm finally losing my mind. Who knows.
I just have this strange feeling like everything is falling apart and not in the way it usually does. I'm used to the feeling like I'm running for my life. I feel like our whole nearly 11 year marriage has been spent in search of stability that is constantly out of reach.
Is stability really a lie? Is there just really no such thing and no one told us? I don't think that's it. I think we just suck at life sometimes.
I got my degree. I did it. I'm a Chemical Engineer. Only I'm not working. Dumb luck and dumber circumstances find me unemployed and miles from what I considered to be my home.
But let's talk about home. The last place I really considered my home, I can't even remember. Stripping away the responsibilities of my spouse because I have to take credit and blame for my own self, the last home that I paid the rent in was up here in DFW in 2003.
I'd like to sit here and point out everything I've accomplished since then, but let's set that aside for now and just examine adulthood from the virtue of paying one's own rent. Until we moved up here, I was not able, actually WE were not able, to do that without some help, pretty much the entire time we've been married.
We've been clawing and fighting to keep our heads above water, and only managing with the help of our families. Andy calls it pride, but that really depresses me.
So if this is the first place that we've accomplished this, then this is our first real home, in a sense. Only now we're desparately trying to get out of here.
We're both looking for work in the Houston area. We both seem to consider that place home, but I'm torn because I feel like we never really had a home there. I'm left with this vague sense of loss about the whole situation.
Maybe I just really need to work. When I had a job I felt like myself. Maybe for the first time in ages. I really didn't like college, looking back. I like learning and I liked my friends, but the tediousness got to me. I'm not sure what I found tedious exactly. Everything changed every semester. I felt like a gypsy.
I need a niche. I need to plant roots and stay in a place. I need to feel like I have a home. I'm not saying I want the same job for the next 20 years or the same house. I just need to feel like I'm completely taking care of myself.
I would like to have a husband who completely takes care of me but I haven't ever had that and I don't think I ever will. I should say, I would like to have a husband who has the ability to completely take care of me. Andy doesn't even feel he has the ability to completely take care of himself.
I just feel like I'm losing my mind. My anxiety level is through the roof. I've got to get a new job, in Houston, find us a place to live, pack this house, move it there, and restart our lives, again.
In addition to that I'd like to lose that 50 lbs again and pay off all our debt. Sigh.
Before it always felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel when I was in school. Now the tunnel is still there but someone moved the light and I have to look for it. I'm not in a tunnel anymore. I'm in a labyrinth.
Maybe it's just a mood or maybe I'm finally losing my mind. Who knows.
I just have this strange feeling like everything is falling apart and not in the way it usually does. I'm used to the feeling like I'm running for my life. I feel like our whole nearly 11 year marriage has been spent in search of stability that is constantly out of reach.
Is stability really a lie? Is there just really no such thing and no one told us? I don't think that's it. I think we just suck at life sometimes.
I got my degree. I did it. I'm a Chemical Engineer. Only I'm not working. Dumb luck and dumber circumstances find me unemployed and miles from what I considered to be my home.
But let's talk about home. The last place I really considered my home, I can't even remember. Stripping away the responsibilities of my spouse because I have to take credit and blame for my own self, the last home that I paid the rent in was up here in DFW in 2003.
I'd like to sit here and point out everything I've accomplished since then, but let's set that aside for now and just examine adulthood from the virtue of paying one's own rent. Until we moved up here, I was not able, actually WE were not able, to do that without some help, pretty much the entire time we've been married.
We've been clawing and fighting to keep our heads above water, and only managing with the help of our families. Andy calls it pride, but that really depresses me.
So if this is the first place that we've accomplished this, then this is our first real home, in a sense. Only now we're desparately trying to get out of here.
We're both looking for work in the Houston area. We both seem to consider that place home, but I'm torn because I feel like we never really had a home there. I'm left with this vague sense of loss about the whole situation.
Maybe I just really need to work. When I had a job I felt like myself. Maybe for the first time in ages. I really didn't like college, looking back. I like learning and I liked my friends, but the tediousness got to me. I'm not sure what I found tedious exactly. Everything changed every semester. I felt like a gypsy.
I need a niche. I need to plant roots and stay in a place. I need to feel like I have a home. I'm not saying I want the same job for the next 20 years or the same house. I just need to feel like I'm completely taking care of myself.
I would like to have a husband who completely takes care of me but I haven't ever had that and I don't think I ever will. I should say, I would like to have a husband who has the ability to completely take care of me. Andy doesn't even feel he has the ability to completely take care of himself.
I just feel like I'm losing my mind. My anxiety level is through the roof. I've got to get a new job, in Houston, find us a place to live, pack this house, move it there, and restart our lives, again.
In addition to that I'd like to lose that 50 lbs again and pay off all our debt. Sigh.
Before it always felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel when I was in school. Now the tunnel is still there but someone moved the light and I have to look for it. I'm not in a tunnel anymore. I'm in a labyrinth.