Lucifer - A Music Review
Click to viewBB: SOS, come out from under the chair.
SOS: NO.
BB: YES. We have a review to do!
SOS: NO. AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.
BB: I'll put Yubel under there.
SOS: ...stop taking advantage of my confusion about my sexuality, dammit.
BB: I can't help it when it works so well. Now c'mon, we have a review to do.
SOS: But nooooo. That thing. Have you SEEN that thing? IT'S AWFUL.
BB: I've seen both videos, woman. I know.
We still have to do it.
SOS: D: But...But I don't wanna.
BB: Too bad.
SOS: D: But-- But--
Mantra: Did someone say "butt"?
BB: -Blinks- Oh, hey Mantra.
Mantra: Oh, it's you guys again.
How've you been? *hugs and kisses*
BB: ...well, now, don't sound so disappointed. -Smiles and pats you- Can you help me get SOS out from under the chair? We have a music review we gotta do.
Mantra: You can always drag her out yourself, you know. *Picks up chair....incinerates it*
*kicks SOS in the ribs* Oi, get up.
BB: She'd just run away. We're doing a bad K-Pop song.
Mantra: No, she won't. I'll sit on her 'til we're done.
Frizz: *Pops into the room* Did someone say K-Pop?!
Mantra: *Raises eyebrow* Oooh. Now this trip was worth it.
Frizz: *Grins* Oh, hiya. So, I did hear someone say "bad K-Pop," right?
BB: ....yeah, you did. l _l
Frizz: *Squeels happily* I love ripping apart bad Korean pop!
*Sits on a stool*
Mantra: *sidles over* I sense many thing to bond over.
Frizz: *Smiles* Hiya, I'm Frizz. Well, Frizzelina Amarilla Machintosh.
Frizz is just easier.
Mantra: *Grins* You can call me Mantra. Not that I don't trust you with my real name or anything. I just don't think you have the equpment to pronounce it with.
Frizz: Awwww, I like you already!
Mantra: Wonderful! We're on the same page then!
BB: ....well, this is interesting.
Mantra: Were you expecting anything else when it came to me and a beautiful woman?
BB: No, I was talking to Frizz.
Frizz: *Grins* It's my out-going personality, babe!
SOS: But...Frizz liked me too. Isn't this pretty in-character for her?
Mantra: Oh, hey. I forgot all about you. *Ties to couch*
BB: Sort of. She's usually only this exuberant when it comes to things involvng Mallory. I mean, she's practically bouncing.
Frizz: *Bounces on her seat*
Mantra: *watches the bouncing* *is very interested*
BB: She's taken, Mantra.
Mantra: *shrugs* That means nothing.
BB: Her girlfriend would beg to differ.
Mantra: ...Damn. I take it a foursome is not an option?
Frizz: I'd have to as Lissy. *Grins* But she doesn't object to threesomes with guys, so I'm sure you're good!
Mantra: Problem is, my...well...Nagare can't shapeshift into a guy. Alas.
BB: This is why I question my thoughts about making Elisabete pansexual.
Mantra: *Pets* There, there. If it fits the narrative flow, it doesn't matter much.
So...speaking of K-Pop, are we still doing that or are we just talking now?
Frizz: I hope we're still doing that. Bad K-Pop is a hobby of mine. Mallory doesn't understand it. His music tastes run toward cricket chirps and faucets leaking.
Mantra: How terrible.
BB: Hey, he has a reason for that.
Frizz: *Waves a hand* I know, I know. Too much times on runways ruined most types of music for him.
He should STILL learn about K-Pop, I say!
Mantra: Or at least learn to laugh at it. It's some of the most fun I've ever had.
Frizz: Awwww. *Smiles* Me, too.
BB: -Chuckles- Well, then, let's all get started with SHINee's song Lucifer.
SOS: *whimpers*
Mantra: *kicks*
Frizz: *Cheers*
BB: First off, there are two Official Music Videos for this song.
SOS: *wail*
Frizz: Ooooh.
Mantra: Do I need to duct tape your mouth?
Frizz: *Reaches into her shirt and pulls out a roll of zebra-print duct tape* Will this work?
Mantra: Yes! Perfect.
BB: -Tilts head- ....I find it funny.
I WROTE you, Frizz, and yet I still have no idea how you put some of the things you do in your shirt.
Frizz: Sports bras.
Mantra: *Pets* You'll never know how many amazing ways you can utilise a cleavage.
SOS: *looks down at chest* ... *woe*
BB: ....riiiiiiiiiight. ...so. Lucifer. Shall we start off with music first? We'll do the music videos last.
SOS: *mopes*
Frizz: Sure. *Smiles* The first thing I want to say about the music is....where is the actual MUSIC? It's the same exact thing over and over, just sped up.
Mantra: Well, that's the problem. There IS no music.
I'd compare this to another song you guys did, what was it called...Take It Off? But even that was better than this. That at least bothered to steal twelve notes from a good piece of music.
This has...nothing. Just one note, repeated about eight hundred times.
That does not a piece of music MAKE.
Frizz: Exactly. And it's mostly just the same thing sped up, like I said. The music is as bland as chewing on cotton. ...and yes, I did that. Shut up, it was a dare in pre-K.
SOS: I don't understand how anyone could've thought this would've worked. Did someone seriously look at a sheet music featuring the exact same note played by the exact same duration for four minutes and go, "THIS IS GENIUS!"?
BB: Nah. They looked at the boys and thought, "This is great Fanservice."
Mantra: Maybe the composer working for them was really hung over that day and could only manage to write one note before he gave up. But before he could actually finish the song, the deadline arrived, so they just used what they had.
SOS: Yes, but...the fanservice would've been just as...fanservice-y or whatever if there'd been a few more freaking notes!
In fact, how is K-Pop generally promoted? At least here, most people are introduced to new songs on the radio, no? You know, where you didn't have much of a visual?
Frizz: With teasers, like most music.
SOS: Huh
Still. I never thought I'd live to see the day music producers get so lazy, they only put one note in their music
Frizz: However, K-Pop is often given WITH visuals. Like this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ok2rMTbD-iU
SOS: I'm half-expecting someone to release a song of nothing but silence, and just throw a whole bunch of naked dudes on the screen.
BB: ...I actually think that exists.
SOS: SHUT UP AND LET ME KEEP DELUDING MYSELF.
BB: Mah!
Mantra: ...That would actually not be a bad idea.
We don't have to listen to horribly auto-tuned voices, for one thing.
Frizz: I could go for it. Plus, fanservice. *Shrugs* It works nicely!
Mantra: Indeed. Though they'd better throw some boobies in there.
Frizz: Yes. *Smiles* I'd recommend Rainie Lang. But she doesn't really sing these kinds of songs, and her first time doing so kind of flopped like a dead fish.
SOS: But the problem is...this isn't SUPPOSED to be a video of extremely soft-core fanservice. This is supposed to be...MUSIC.
And there is no music at all!
Already, they've failed their goal.
BB: Yeah, they have. I mean, as Mantra and Frizz said, there's NOTHIN' here.
We have no music. No beat. No rhythm.
Just...nothing. Honestly.
SOS: Honestly, this sounds less like singing and more like...chanting. Or droning. Like...I'm not sure if you do this in the US, but when you're in primary school and a teacher walks into the classroom, and everyone has to go, "Goood mooooooorning, Ms Blaaaah."?
Yeah, this is the musical version of that.
Frizz: I remember that. And honestly, whatever these guys are saying/singing/whatever-ing has only served to give me a headache. It seems like they're just saying the same lyric over and over. Though there's something I have got to point out.
"Loveaholic, robatronic?" *Laughs* Sounds like a really bad pick-up line or something.
SOS: I know exactly how you feel. Maybe it's just because I don't speak the language.
But this song...do you get the feeling that they're somehow simultaneously singing too slow AND too fast at the same time?
Frizz: In fact, this whole SONG sounds like a bad pick-up line!
SOS: Like, it's far too fast for any sort of melody. But too slow to be rhythmic or rap-ish or impressive.
So it's just awkwardly...there. And you don't know what to do with it.
Mantra: I'm almost certain their lyric writer was also incredibly hung over. And possibly also high.
Frizz: He was probably crashing.
"LOOK, I DON'T CARE, JUST SAY LOVE-AHOLIC ROBATRONIC AND SAY LUCIFER A LOT, God, I so need a HIT."
Mantra: That sounds about right. I imagine that's what the composer was saying too, "OH DEAR GOD, WHO EVEN CARES ANYMORE. IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE'S LISTENING FOR THE MUSIC. JUST, HERE, TAKE THIS NOTE. AND HAMMER IT TO FUCKING DEATH. God, where did I put my coccaine?"
Frizz: *Grins* You're fun, Mantra. You should come out for drinks with Lissy and me later.
Mantra: Oh, yes.
BB: Save your plans for later, ladies. We still have to talk about the voices of the band. And....
Is it just me, or can you NOT tell individual voices?
SOS: Nope. And there's hardly even anything to talk about, because you can't really judge someone's voice when they're only singing one note.
Though I will say that making that one note such a low one was probably not a good idea.
BB: Especially not with these guys' voices. I looked up a couple of interview videos of them when we first decided to do this song and the first thing I realised was these guys had pretty high-ish voices.
SOS: It makes the song sounds even more droning. And exactly. It doesn't sound like any of them are really in their element.
BB: Nope. Not even during live performances.
SOS: Which, you know, you'd think they'd be able to afford a composer who knew what to do with their voices. Because...to be honest, they don't have AWFUL voices in and of themselves.
It's just utilised HORRIBLY here. By which I mean it's not utilised at all. This song could've been performed by a computer, and it'd make no difference.
Mantra: Hey! Don't insult Vocaloids.
BB: Yeah, don't insult the Vocaloids.
Frizz: *Glares* Leave Len and Rin outta this. If you want to make fun of computerised singing, make fun of Auto-Tune.
SOS: ...Actually, that's EXACTLY what this sounds like. I don't know if it's actually used, or it it's just a side-effect of them trying to push their voices down for the entire song, but it really sounds like they're...forcing it.
And it just feels so awkward and unnatural.
BB: Gimme a few seconds. -Researches the Internet- It did involve Auto-Tune, but not a major amount.
Only on the bits where their voices over-lapped.
SOS: Then maybe it's just because they're forcing their voices to be much lower than its default level.
BB: Probably.
SOS: But whatever the case, it really doesn't give the song a good tone.
I mean, I presume this is a love song? Because...I don't feel much love with this song.
Frizz: Actually, not even the composer knows what this song is about. *Smiles* It was supposed to just be a dance song.
SOS: Just a lot of robotic chanting, Dalek-style. Except with less disintegration...And uh...Maybe it's because I don't dance, but...I don't want to dance with this song.
One note, at the lower end of the scale, repeated over and over does not put me in a dance-y mood.
BB: Neither do I. But this song actually inspired a dance. The so-called "handcuff dance."
SOS: >.> unlike Butter-fly.
Mantra: I am very intrigued.
BB: Don't be. This ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VBbBD1lSUM ) is the handcuff dance.
Mantra: ...Wow.
Frizz: Uh.....
Mantra: This song sounds bad when they sing it out loud. They had to put the actual music in just to try drown out their voices.
Frizz: That's supposed to be a dance craze or something?
Mantra: I don't know, but it didn't involve actual handcuffs. So I quickly lost interest.
Frizz: *Pulls a pair of handcuffs out of her boot*
SOS: That...doesn't seem like a very exciting dance move. I mean...with most dance moves, they're popular or impressive because they require at least a degree of skill or look unusual and distinctive, or requires throwing your whole body into it so at least you have fun and it goes with the generally energetic dance music.
This is just...waving your hands around.
Mantra: *Rifles around in her pants* *fishes out a whip* I believe we have everything we need to derail this review.
Frizz: *Grins* I like the way you think!
SOS: *FLAILS* GET MY KEYBOARD, BB.
BB: -Hands you the Keyboard-
SOS: *struggles to type through the ropes* *handcuffs and whip vanish*
Mantra: *Pouts*
Frizz: Hey! *Pouts* And those were the red leather ones.
SOS: YOU CAN HAVE THEM BACK WHEN THIS IS OVER.
Frizz: B-but.... *Tears up* ....Lissy gave me those for my birthday.
SOS: ......Dammit. Why can't I ever say no to a girl in tears. *Keyboards them back to her*
Mantra: ...*tears up?*
SOS: No,.
Frizz: *Wraps an arm around Mantra* At least we have the handcuffs back?
Mantra: *snuggles* I guess.
BB: ...awwww. -Picture-
SOS: So does anyone know the lyrics to this song? ...If it's not gibberish?
BB: I've got the English Lyrics somewhere.
One sec.
BB: There's an English cover.
Frizz: *Blinks*
Mantra: *blink blink* *sits up from Frizz's bosom*
Frizz: ....I....I can understand this.
*Blinks* ....And it isn't complete gibberish.
Mantra: It...It actually sounds NICE in this guy's mouth.
BB: I know. It's because his voice is deeper.
SOS: *vindicated*
BB: Plus, he's risen the note of the music just a bit to match his tone.
SOS: And I think it's because there's SLIGHTLY more inflection here too.
Frizz: And the guy actually seems like he's havng FUN singing this. That's rare!
SOS: Exactly! He sounds like he's putting effort into this! Like, you know, he believes what he's singing
BB: Yes. Plus, I love his little dance moves.
Mantra: Indeed. It's a lot more genuine than that official music video.
And he looks adorably dorky.
BB: It's like, "Hey. I am singing this. I'm GOING to have a good time!"
SOS: He's doing for fun, so there'a a level of passion in this song that's not there in the original. And for some reason, I think this guy's taking this less seriously than the official version.
He knows a lot of this song is kinda silly, and he's rolling with it.
BB: And that makes him seem approachable. And fun.
Mantra: In conclusion, make that foursome a fivesome. We're inviting this guy.
Frizz: Sounds good to me. *Smiles* Mallory can tape.
Mantra: And SOS can clean up afterwards. >: )
BB: Now, now, you two.
I've tortured SOS enough already.
SOS: *Pout* Exactly.
BB: -Discretely puts Yubel's card back in my deck-
Mantra: Lemme think about tha-- OH WAIT NOPE. Nagare's still dead.
Frizz: So is Mallory. ...*Pouts*
BB: ....dammit.
SOS: ...*weakly* Can we move on from this topic?
BB: Yes, before the pout gets to me.
SOS: So...what's next on our list?
BB: ....um, dancing and music video.
SOS: ..........
WAIT NO I CHANGED MY MIND. LET'S KEEP TALKING ABOUT HOW DEAD NAGARE IS! OH MY GOD, ISN'T SHE JUST SO INCREDIBLY DE--
Mantra: *PUNCHES*
Frizz: Oooh, yay! Dancing.
Mantra: Well. "Dancing". *exaggerated air quotes*
BB: Yeah. See above mention of the "handcuff" dance.
Mantra: Most of the time, they're waving their hands around aimlessly while thrusting their pelvis. Which is not a very good dance move for these guys, because it's hard to exude raw sexual appeal when you do everything you can to make your band as clean and vanilla as possible.
Frizz: *Nods* And it's not even good pelvis thrusting! And no, I won't demonstrate. Mallory does the pelvis-thrusting in our personal relationship.
Mantra: Nope, it's far too stiff and reserved.
SOS: ...And uh...I've got to point something out.
Dance moves like that...really don't work when you have no hips. And it's so incredibly OBVIOUS you have no hips because you're thin as a twig and wearing pretty form-fitting clothes.
So...there's nothing really to look at, you know.
Frizz: This is why girls should do pelvis thrust moves in form fitting clothes. It just makes it somewhat more appealing.
Mantra: We are clearly soul mates.
SOS: That doesn't exactly remove the problem Mantra pointed out. Pelvic thrusting is not a dance move that you can do in moderation.
Frizz: *Smiles* I know it from experience! Lissy only wears form-fitting jeans.
SOS: You have to kind of...go all out for it to look good.
And they're being very reserved and robotic in their movement
Frizz: Oh, trust me, I know. That's why Mallory got so pissed at me when I told hm he had to try it.
SOS: ...So...do you have a video of that?
Frizz: Of Mallory hip-thrusting? No. He broke every copy I had. *Sighs*
SOS: ...Damn. We have to organise it again.
Mantra: You have the full support of an eldritch abomination, my comrades.
Frizz: We should all look at him. *Points at BB* He wrote it, after all.
BB: ...>.> ...I refuse to be part of this.
SOS: ...If you do, you can bring Sam into the Cage with Lucifer?
BB: ......don't tempt me. You don't have to deal with Mallory twenty-four/seven.
Frizz: I do.
SOS: I'll even take on the task of dealing with the aftermath after we, of course, upload it on Youtube?
BB: ....Mallory, forgive me. She's talking Sam and Lucifer. In the Cage. -Hands over a copy of the tape-
SOS: ......GET ME A COMPUTER.
Mantra: *GETS IMMEDIATELY*
SOS: *ALL OF THE WATCHING* BB. GO FETCH THE POPCORN.
BB: No. I already gave you the DVD.
SOS: *sad*
Frizz: *Pulls a bowl of it out of her shirt*
SOS: ...*eats all of the boob-warmed popcorn*
BB: .....I don't even wanna know.
Frizz: It's a Sporking Chamber. I claim unlimited power.
Mantra: *watches, fascinated*
SOS: *hypnotised*
Frizz: *Giggling like a schoolgirl*
BB: ....hey, I'm not reviewing both these videos by myself!
SOS: *transfixed*
Mantra: *pushes the laptop lid shut*
SOS: *woe*
Mantra: We have work to do for now. Later, dear. Later.
MWAHAHAHAHAHA.
Frizz: An evil laugh?
*Sighs happily* I think I'm in love!
Mantra: Awww, honey. And I haven't even showed you all the shapeshifting yet!
BB: Ladies. Music videos.
SOS: Well...what is there to talk about? It's the perfect example of Your Standard, Generic K-Pop/J-Pop Video.
Footage of the actors dancing intersperced with them singing dramatically, all the while trying to bash your head in with egregious fanservice.
BB: Yes, but there are other aspects besides the boys, y'know. As few as they seem because of the fanservice.
SOS: ...There are?
BB: Well, there are backgrounds and things, y'know. And that weird, glowy shit.
SOS: I thought that was stylised sperm.
Frizz: I just thought they were high.
Mantra: Maybe it's Tinkerbell.
BB: Nah.
According to the description of the music video, that's supposed to be the "Lucifer."
People?
SOS: ......Lucifer...is a glowing blue streak...
BB: Lucifer is not amused.
Mantra: Yes. A blue glowing streak of light. The most terrifying of all things.
BB: -Shakes head-
SOS: And for something the song's named after, it's barely featured in the video. And when it is, it never does anything.
BB: Except...make the guys look high?
Mantra: But that was a given. Look at their expressions in this song. And the way they drone as they sing.
Frizz: It's the Meth.
SOS: And well...this is not exactly a problem with the song itself, but...am I allowed to make a comment on the band as a whole here?
BB: Yes, you are.
SOS: Well...a huge disadvantage of this band (and of a LOT of K-Pop/J-Pop bands) is that...it really lacks anything distinctive. Not just in the band as a whole, but also in its individual members. I just watched both music videos, and already, I can't remember any of their faces. They've all got that generic pretty-boy looks that K-Pop and J-Pop likes. And they both have the exact same role within the band.
And that just makes everything so much harder to care about.
This song could've easily been performed by just one guy, so having all these extraneous people here just makes all of them that much harder to remember.
BB: And remember, a cover WAS preformed just by one guy.
SOS: And it was better for it, because it gave us the time to just familiarise ourselves with that one guy and all his quirks. Instead of trying to cram five people (all with no personality) into one four minute video.
Frizz: Exactly.
SOS: And another thing is the image they're trying to go for.
I'm so sorry to bring this up when you're in the room, but...this band has the same problem that I think Justin Bieber had. They all have that very boy-ish look to their faces that make them seem much younger than they are. Their high voices don't help with that. And they try so hard to present a clean-cut, vanilla image, than when they do try to do fanservicey dance moves, they just fall flat on their faces
Because they don't have any sort of sex appeal, at least to me. Well, I mean, no one really has sex appeal for me, but I don't even see why other people might look at them and be like, "Oh yeah, I want to tap that." They look like teenagers trying to be sexually appealing by performing the instructions in a book step by step.
Frizz: Exactly.
Mantra: Even within their "genre" of skinny, girlish-looking Asian guys, there are far more people who do it better than them. Or at least who look much more natural and in their element when they do it.
BB: I can't help but agree. They try to be sexy, but the fail. Miserably.
Mantra: I guess it's just something about how formulaic this video and the set-up of this band is.
After you've seen something done a hundred times, then a mediocre attempt at being a copy-cat stop being a turn on. Even if you liked it in the beginning.
BB: -Nods-
SOS: And considering the fact that this is one of those songs where EVERYTHING rides on the music video...that pretty much ruins the whole song.
There weren't any effort put into either the music or the lyrics, because the producers were banking on people loving this song solely for the music video. And I have no doubt he succeeded -- this type of music video is depressingly popular for the same reason Super Bass is.
It's safe.
But it doesn't speak very well for this song as a piece of music, you know.
BB: No, it doesn't.
SOS: So...anything else we needed to talk about?
BB: ....I think we covered it all.
SOS: OH THANK HEAVENS.
BB: Yep....so. Final thoughts?
SOS: When I first heard this song, I thought it was horrible. But now that I've reflected on it, I've decided that I was wrong.
This song isn't horrible.
It's the exact definition of mediocre.
It did everything by the rules, and STRICTLY by the rules.
BB: It's bland and boring and I hate how it represents Lucifer.
SOS: It didn't try to play with anything or be creative. It just went by a step-by-step instruction...and it feels that way.
There was less energy and passion in the official version than a fancover, and it honestly feels like this was made less because the singer had something to say, and more because they were contractually obligated to.
And they didn't care about anything so long as they got their paycheck.
It has that sort of heartless, mass-produced feel to it.
The music itself is nigh non-existence, the lyrics just filler, and the music video pointlessly formulaic.
This is like eating McDonalds instead of real food.
Except without even the guilty pleasure part to justify it, because it's not fun enough to be a guilty pleasure
So, if you're really into this sort of thing, go check out other bands. There are plenty out there that does much better than this one. Or at least that cares slightly more.
BB: Like DBSK.
Mantra: Hell, just check out the guy that did the cover. He managed to do a pretty great job making this song mostly tolerable. And him dancing in his room is somehow vastly more entertaining than the over-produced crap that is the music video.
And while he is more manly than the original singers (not that that's hard), he is...waif-ish, kinda?
BB: Yeah, he is.
Mantra: And now that we're done...*opens laptop* *stares, mesmerised*
SOS: Oooh. *stares too*
BB: Don't y'all even wanna know what we're reviewing next time?
SOS: *staaaaaaares* ...I have to make this into a gif.
Mantra: Does it involve Mallory hip-thrusting?
BB: No.
Mantra: Okay, not interested.
BB: ...mean. -Sighs- Our next song review was supposed to be Always With Me, from the Spirited Away Soundtrack.
But since you're all distracted, I might just make it another bad K-Pop song.
SOS: *staaaaaaares* BB, get me a coke?
BB: We're going to review Super Psycho Love, by Simon Curtis.
See you all next time. -Waves-
SOS: *staaaaaaaaares*