[fic] saudade ; xiuhan 4/4
By the second week, Minseok stops counting the days and his life returns to what it was one year ago, before that storm that was Lu Han shook his entire life, taking his carefully constructed routine out of place. A certain monster regains its spot in Minseok’s life, and he welcomes it back with open arms. Loneliness speaks louder than anyone, and he sleeps a lot less now, keeping it company as the walls and the shadows around his apartment watch him lose his mind. When morning comes, he gulps down coffee to keep himself awake, and makes his way to work, just like any other day.
Except now, he stares at large windows in his office a lot longer, watching as the miniature world moves, hamsters turning the wheel. His office is at the 12th floor, and some days, he even opens the windows, letting the wind blow in his face as he contemplates the fall. It would be easy, quick, and with a big probably of being painless. The world wouldn’t even bat an eye. Just another businessman plunging to his death after a deal gone wrong they’d suppose. Another idiot with an empty life.
The firm’s able to regain some of the trust of their clients when an investigation settles that a competitor had invaded their system, trying to gain access to information that would compromise the powerful man. Minseok tries to keep his head clear as he works through this nightmare. After a month or so, it all goes back to normal, and the phone calls stop.
At home, he takes his obsessive patterns one step further, creating other peculiar habits. He throws out all his bed sheets, cushions, and pillow covers, because no matter how many times he washes them, even by hand, they never seem clean. Some nights, he’d whiff the fragrance of Lu Han’s shampoo on his pillows, and the smell shoots up his nostrils, bringing him instant nausea.
He eats a lot less, some days, forgoing all his meals, and only filling his body with water. His work trousers begin to fit a little looser, and his signature round face starts disappears. His fellow co-workers in the office observe as he withers away, but none of them dare to come close.
On a Friday, the second week of August, Minseok works until 11pm. When the coffee ceases to keep his weak body awake, he decides it’s time to retire back to his flat. He knows he won’t be able to get any rest there, his house is haunted by monsters that keep him awake. But he has nowhere to go. No one to talk to. The monsters are his only friends.
The elevator’s doors open, and inside, Minseok finds a face that once was familiar. The expensive looking suit, blinding smile, and diamond cufflinks are a dead give away. The man appears glad to see him, quickly waving him in, and pressing the button that holds the door open.
“I’ll take the next one,” he says, deadpan.
Joonmyun frowns, failing to understand the rejection. He presses his lips into a thin line, before, to Minseok’s horror, stepping out of the elevator and letting the door close behind him.
“He misses you,” he simply states, searching for some kind of sympathy in Minseok’s eyes, “Jongdae. He talks about you all the time. It’s silly but, sometimes, he tries to call you, but as soon as he hears your voice he hangs up.” Minseok listens, but doesn’t respond in any way. Joonmyun insists. “Whatever happened between you two, I’m sure it’s not worth your friendship. If you could call him and-”
“I apologize, Joonmyun,” Minseok starts, speaking through his teeth. “But that’s none of your fucking business.”
The man nods sadly, giving Minseok passage and letting him enter the elevator alone. “One more thing,” he says, holding the door. “As much as it hurts me to admit this, I’m sure that if Lu Han hadn’t appeared in your life that night, Jongdae would have searched for you. Even after all this time, I’m pretty sure that he still has feelings for you.” A self-deprecating smile covers his face. “But from what I see, you’re not in the position to accept love from anyone. And I feel sorry for you.”
The door hisses closed, and Minseok glues his back to the cool walls, cursing as a familiar melody begins to play above him. His mind blares images of better times, showing him the few months when he had been happy, leading a simply life full of enjoy, enjoying the little things. Tears sting his eyes as he remembers what it felt like to be loved, not only by Lu Han, but by Jongdae, his mother, his father, or even Yunho, who had taken Minseok under his wing after his father’s passing.
The steel walls of the elevator reflect a pathetic face. He wonders if, some day, he'd be able to smile again.
--
Lu Han hates New York.
During his teenage years, the city had been his playground. His father would drag him through Manhattan by the wrist, spewing out stories from the old days. Each street corner had an epic tale behind it.
By the age of eighteen, Lu Han had started to gather his own fantastical stories. He falls madly in love for the first time with a much younger street dancer named Oh Sehun. They laughed like children, running through Central Park, eager hands clasping together. Sehun would perform for the tourists; body moving graciously to heavy beats. Lu Han swore they’d be together forever, getting by as starving artists.
The enchantment breaks when Sehun found out Lu Han was actually the son of the owner of a major corporation, not another street artist dying to be noticed. The connection was broken and Lu Han’s heart shatters for the first time. Fortunately, Lu Han’s resilient, and his heart mends quickly, moving on with no scars. There’s something about falling in love that fascinates him, so he lets his mind and body bask in the feeling, letting go of anything that would hold him back.
One week away from the release of his book, his agent drags him on another trip to the city. Jongin adores the angry and pulsing music New York makes, letting the wild energy seep through his skin, as he chain-smokes like a madman.
They sit across from each other, enjoying a lavish brunch as Jongin rambles about press releases and TV interviews back in Asia. Lu Han’s to become the new face of modern literature, the voice of the Asian youth. He neglects the titles, letting himself be pulled by the arm once again.
Lu Han realizes that most of the time, he lacks control of his own life, letting others guide him. It had been the same with his past lovers, because Lu Han would do anything to hold on to that warm feeling gushing through his veins. Sometimes, he’d let himself be manipulated, and even hurt by others, just to cling to love a little longer.
“I love you.”
Lu Han snaps out of his thoughts, shaking his head slightly as his eyes focused on the tan, well-dressed man sitting across from him. He blinks a few times, chuckling nervously. “I love you too?”
“No.” Jongin hits his palms on the glass table, causing the silverware to rattle. “I love you as an entity. Your work. Your image. And you like me because I hold your hand as you cry over your editor’s criticism. Seems like you had a problem telling the difference.”
Lu Han rolls his eyes. “Maybe you’re right.”
“How’s the boyfriend?” Jongin asks as he digs in his eggs benedict, shoving a large quantity into his mouth as he chews obscenely.
“We broke up,” Lu Han announces, faking a smile.
“Perfect!” Jongin exclaims, reaching forward to tap Lu Han in the shoulder. “From what you’ve told me, the man was crazy. You don’t need that kind of shit right now.”
“Minseok is not crazy,” Lu Han says sternly. “Can we drop this? I don’t feel like talking about him.”
“Oh, but we must talk,” Jongin presses on. “Tell me, did you expect to magically heal him with your dick?”
Lu Han groans, outraged. “I wanted to help him. I love him, Jongin.”
“Really?” Jongin questions, leaning back in his chair. “Tell me why.”
“Why what?”
“Why do you love him?”
Lu Han pauses, and a tiny smile covers his lips as he recalls their early days. Waking up to Minseok’s quiet snoring in his ear, the quiet way in which he allowed Lu Han to take control, finally being the one who leads. They adjust to each other’s rhythm, ignoring the existence of time as they move to their own pace, exploring each peculiarity about each other, and learning how to coexist with their own difficulties. Of course, Minseok’s habits spoke louder at times, and Lu Han tried to wiggle his way back into his heart, but indifference is cold, and it freezes whatever it touches. In January, he looked deep into Minseok’s eyes and saw his own reflected in them. In May, he sees nothing but darkness.
“I love him because,” Lu Han starts, laughing at himself for even having to think about it, “he’s Minseok. I can’t put this any other way. He’s special. It's all in the little things. Tiny details that build over time. Even when he's at his worst, I can still see it, deep inside his eyes. It's there. He loves me too. But he's scared. I'm scared too because I don't want to lose this. I feel at peace with myself when I'm with him. And I'm sure he feels the same way too.”
Jongin sighs. “Balance.”
“Exactly.”
“Then why did it end?”
Lu Han frowns, parting his bread into tiny pieces nervously. “Because he has to learn to love himself, before he can truly love anyone else.”
--
August 22nd.
Someone knocks on Minseok’s door.
He answers it suspiciously, and finding a uniformed man standing in the hallway. He holds a parcel and a clipboard, pushing both into Minseok’s hands as he chews gum, appearing completely annoyed.
Minseok signs for the package and hands the clipboard back, and in a mere second, the man disappears down the hall, leaving him alone with an unknown delivery in his hands.
He rips the box open, finding Lu Han’s novel inside.
It’s called Saudade.
Minseok quickly turns to the first page, and finding Lu Han’s careful handwriting.
The first copy. As I promised.
Minseok sinks into the couch, devouring the book in the sitting. It tells a story of a young man, named Xiu Min, who struggles to find his place in the world. He never gets too close to others, afraid of disappointment. His heart scared after many battles against himself.
One day, Xiu Min mysteriously wakes up on a desert island, without any recollection of how he got there. He explores the beach, searching for answers. Instead, he finds a boy, swimming carelessly in the water. The boy tells him his name is Xiao Lu, and that the tides had brought him to that island many years ago, the sole survivor of a shipwreck.
For days Xiu Min ignores Xiao Lu’s presence, getting lost in the woods as he plans to escape the island alone. By night, the shore shines with a million lights, the stars reflected in the water, and Xiu Min watches from a distance as Xiao Lu basks in the beauty of the place. Eventually, Xiu Min lets himself be charmed by the island and its only inhabitant.
Eventually, Xiao Lu becomes restless, and begs Xiu Min to accompany him on a journey to explore the unknown. Xiu Min denies him, saying that the island is now his home, and that he’s scared to leave it behind.
A storm comes and takes Xiao Lu away.
At first, Xiu Min curses the island for separating him from his precious Xiao Lu. The island rebels, and fearsome creatures now dominate the woods, making it difficult for Xiu Min to find food and shelter. He misses Xiao Lu dearly, seeing him everywhere. In the clouds, the ocean, in each and every drop of rain. He’s consumed by longing, and begs the island to give Xiao Lu back to him.
Another storm comes and the waves take Xiu Min away. He doesn’t struggle. Instead, he lets the water take him, drowning peacefully in the depths.
He wakes up in a hospital, the taste of salt water still stinging his tongue. As soon as he opens his eyes, a kind doctor tells him he had been in a serious accident, and that he had been in a coma for three months.
There’s an empty bed beside him, and Xiu Min asks the doctor whom it belonged to. Before he’s able to answer, a boy enters the room, all doe eyes and sun kissed skin.
The doctor introduces Xiao Lu to him, as if this were the first time they had met. He says Xiao Lu as another coma patient, who stayed in the same room as Xiu Min. Xiao Lu had woken from his coma a few weeks ago, and since then, he had visited Xiu Min every single day.
There’s a spark of recognition behind Xiao Lu’s eyes, and Xiu Min thanks the island for giving the boy he loves back to him.
Minseok closes the book, tears staining his cheeks as he presses the hardcover against his chest. It’s painful, reading Lu Han’s beautiful words, but he understands it now. He thumbs the glossy title, the word Saudade, the same Lu Han had inked to his skin. And he feels it, the meaning now becoming clear in his mind.
He cries, alone in his flat, letting the feeling overwhelm him. He tears away the layers he had built to protect himself, letting all the wounds bleed at once.
Without thinking twice, he grabs his phone and calls his mother.
“I have something to tell you,” he says, slowly, putting long pauses between every word. “There’s someone special in my life. He’s name is Lu Han. And I love him.”
“Then don't let him go,” the woman answers.
“It’s too late,” Minseok cries, screwing his eyes shut to stop the tears from coming. “I’m broken, mom. There’s something wrong with me. I can’t force him to deal with this.”
Minseok’s mom sighs. “What if he wants to deal with this?”
“It’s not fair.”
“It’s not up to you to decide.”
Minseok wipes his tears on his sleeves, letting out shaky breaths as he looks at Lu Han’s picture on the back cover. “I want to make him happy.”
“Then do whatever it takes.”
--
The next day, Minseok looks for Jongdae at his new job. It’s late afternoon, but Ipanema is already crowded, young faces shining with joy after a long day of work. Amidst them, Minseok finds Jongdae, dressed sharply in a three-piece suit. He takes the stage, and the band behind him begins to play soft jazz rhythms. Jongdae’s powerful high notes explode off the microphone, dragging the attention of all. Minseok smiles when he sees his friend dancing to the beat, singing his heart out, and looking happier than ever.
“He found himself again,” Joonmyun says, suddenly appearing at Minseok’s side.
The two of them exchange a look, and Joonmyun offers him a drink. Minseok denies, wanting to let go of any crutches he could use to face his fears. When the song is over, Jongdae’s eyes find his in the crowd, and the man beams, a large grin expanding across his face as he pushes people out of the way, rapidly reaching Minseok and wrapping him in a warm embrace.
“You’re here,” he blurts, fingers curling around Minseok’s thin arms. “You’re back.”
“I’m sorry,” Minseok immediately gasps. “I’m so sorry.”
Jongdae smiles, punching Minseok playfully him on the shoulder. “Water under the bridge.”
“Listen,” Minseok insists. “I’m quitting my job. I’m giving the firm back to Yunho. I need you to do something for me.”
Jongdae raises an eyebrow. “And what would that be?”
Minseok snickers. “Punch me in the face if I try to go to work on Monday.”
The two of them laugh loudly, and Jongdae throws an arm over Minseok’s shoulder, gluing their foreheads together. “So, what do you plan on doing now?”
“I’m going back to school,” Minseok answers, excitedly, “to study architecture.”
Jongdae’s smile grows even bigger; he pinches Minseok’s cheek, and then lays a sloppy on the red spot. Minseok pushes him away, chuckling as Joonmyun fakes jealousy.
“There’s something I have to do first,” Minseok says, looking at a man behind the bar, a face he had met a while ago. Zhang Yixing. “I have to find Lu Han.”
--
“There it is. Your ticket to happiness.”
Lu Han holds the rectangular piece of paper in his hands, not quite believing it still. ICN to GIG.
Or better yet, Incheon to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.
“Thank you, Jongin,” Lu Han says, smiling sadly at his agent. He had imagined his day differently in his mind, regardless, he’s glad his dream is finally coming true.
“Oh, it’s the least I could do. Your book is number one in all the best sellers lists all over Asia, soon, the world. You deserve this.”
“It still feels bittersweet,” Lu Han confesses.
Jongin pulls Lu Han in for a rib-crushing hug. “Leave all that behind. Go find yourself. Everything else will fall into place after that.”
--
Yixing digs beer bottles out of a bucket of ice, putting them on the counter as he eyes the three figures in front of him suspiciously. “I remember you,” he says, looking at Minseok. “You’re Lu Han’s boyfriend.”
Minseok smiles awkwardly. “You could say that.”
“We’re looking for Lu Han actually,” Jongdae chimes in. “We tried his phone, but it’s out of service. Do you know if he’s out or town?”
Yixing scratches his chin, looking thoughtful. “We spoke yesterday. He came to the bar to say goodbye.”
“Goodbye?” Minseok questions, leaning forward to make sure he doesn’t miss a single word. “Where’s he going?”
“Take a guess,” Yixing hints, tapping his fingers along to the music.
Of course, Minseok thinks. “Rio.”
“He’s leaving tomorrow morning out of Incheon,” Yixing says, peering at Minseok curiously. “I know something happened between you two. Lu Han doesn’t tell me much, but that idiot can’t hide anything. Whatever it was, I hope you guys can work it out. I’ve never seen Lu Han so happy.”
Minseok frowns, playing with the condensation around his beer bottle. “Maybe it’s too late.”
“It’s never too late,” Jongdae argues, pulling his IPhone from his pocket, fingers tapping urgently on the screen. After a few minutes, he virtually shoves the screen on Minseok’s face. “There's only one flight to Rio leaving out of Incheon tomorrow. Here’s your ticket.”
“What-”
“There’s an app for that,” Jongdae jokes, smirking. “You’re all set.”
Minseok lets out a few gurgled sounds, his brain struggles to form coherent sentences. “Visa. Travel documents. I don’t-“
“Remember when you asked me to arrange that trip for to Spain? For that business finance conference? Well, look at your passport when you get home. I also got you access to a certain country in South America. You know, just in case.”
Minseok’s eyes go wide, his heart almost explodes inside his chest, and he’s left speechless. Before he can say anything, Jongdae pulls him out of the bar, thanking Yixing in broken Chinese on his way out. The three of them stand on the sidewalk, Joonmyun already extending his arm out, trying to hail a cab.
“You can thank me later,” Jongdae says. “Now you need to go home and pack.”
--
Jongdae and Joonmyun make a mess out of Minseok’s closet, but he doesn’t mind. The two of them shove all Minseok’s summer clothes into a large suitcase, laughing as they make fun of Minseok’s serious and monochrome wardrobe choices. Minseok pulls the green and yellow sweater Lu Han had giving him for Christmas over his head, wearing it proudly. They stay up until late, talking excitedly, going over their plan to ambush Lu Han at the airport. Minseok is amazingly calm throughout the whole ordeal, and each time Lu Han’s smile comes into his mind, he begins to count the seconds. He falls asleep on the floor, with Jongdae’s head resting on his knees.
When the alarm beeps, the three of them jolt awake, smiles already covering their tired faces as they dash through the door, getting a cab to Incheon. Minseok feels his insides jitter, he can’t stop smiling, and even Joonmyun’s tasteless jokes become a reason for laughter. The last time he had felt this giddy was when he had first met Lu Han. It will be like meeting him for the first time again, as he shows the man he loves that he’s not scared anymore, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy.
It’s around 8am when Minseok climbs off the cab. His legs feel wobbly as he pulls his suitcase through the gate, Joonmyun and Jongdae search for the right check in counter, and it only takes them a couple of minutes to find what they were looking for.
Minseok stops, paralyzed by what he sees.
A few feet away from him, he sees Lu Han at the check in line, large sunglasses covering his eyes, an arm wrapped around another man’s shoulders.
Too late, Minseok thinks.
Joonmyun and Jongdae exchange a sad look. This wasn’t part of their plan. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. In all the silly movies Minseok had watched, this was the part when the two lovers reunite, and live happily ever after. Reality, he learns, is much different.
“Lets get out of here,” Minseok begs.
“Minseok?”
The world ceases to spin, as he turns towards that familiar melodious voice. Lu Han now stands just a few inches away from him, a confused smile on his lips. The man he’s with stands right behind him, observing the situation carefully.
“Hi,” Minseok breathes out.
“What are you doing here?” Lu Han asks, and Minseok sees his eyes light up as he looks at him up and down, as if trying to convince himself he’s not looking at an illusion.
Minseok fails to come up with an answer, and he simply shrugs. “I-I don’t know.”
Lu Han chuckles. “What’s going on?”
“Listen,” Minseok says, taking a deep breath before continuing, “I didn’t know you’d be here with someone.”
Lu Han turns to look at the man behind him. The tall, tanned, and well dressed man gives Minseok a quick wave before crossing his arms over his chest. “Hello,” he greets sarcastically.
“Minseok,” Lu Han starts, unable to hold in his nervous laughter anymore. “This is my agent, Kim Jongin, he’s just here to give me a ride to the airport.”
“What? Did you think I was fucking him?” Jongin asks, wide eyed. The man laughs loudly, attracting the attention of all the passengers around them. “He’s not my type. No offense, Lu Han.”
“None taken,” Lu Han sneers, rolling his eyes.
Minseok lets out a long sigh of relief, he looks back at Jongdae, who gives him a thumbs up before dragging Joonyum away from there. Jongin follows soon after, and now, there’s standing alone in a crowded room, looking at each other without saying a word.
“Well,” Minseok says, scratching the back of his head. “This is awkward.”
Lu Han smirks, reaching out to touch Minseok’s arm. “Not at all.”
The two of them share a laugh, which is interrupted by the intercom. The flight to Rio de Janeiro is announced through the speakers, and Lu Han drops his gaze to his shoes, looking disappointed.
“I have a flight to catch,” he mumbles dejectedly.
Minseok digs into his pockets, pulling out his phone. “So do I.”
As soon as Lu Han reads the words on the screen, he freezes. His mouth hangs open as chocked sounds escape his throat. Minseok watches as he brings his hands to cover his mouth, not believing what he was seeing. Lu Han throws his arms around Minseok, digging his face on the crook of his neck. Minseok feels his lips on the shell of his ear.
"I feel it," Minseok whispers to him, letting his senses become intoxicated with his scent. "It was so strong. Suffocating. But I understand now."
Lu Han pulls away, looking at Minseok with glossy eyes. "What are you talking about?"
"Saudade. Of you."
A million emotions dance between them. Minseok knows this isn’t a quick fix to their problems, but he feels free, and the chains around his heart break apart. He allows himself to love, letting the feeling become embedded deep inside him. He sees the world as an open road now. And all he wants to do is be, completely, and irrevocably happy. A concept that at first, seems simple, but there’s a whole journey behind it, one he can’t wait to embark on. It starts today, as Lu Han kisses the worries away from his lips and smiles at him with eyes full of joyful tears, because he sees it, clearly, reflected in the windows to Minseok’s soul. Deep in Minseok’s eyes, Lu Han finds his own happiness. The gold at the end of the rainbow he had searched his entire life. The perfect companion for the trip of his life.
Balance.
“We have so much to talk about,” Minseok states, looking at Lu Han with a hopeful gaze.
“Well, It’s a long flight.”
Saudade means love that is out of reach. The feeling of yearning that’s deeper than anything both of them had ever felt before. Now, love is wrapped around Minseok’s arms, as they embark on a journey of Lu Han’s dreams. Minseok promises to hold on to his father’s words, his voice echoing around his head as they move forward.
Life is an adventure.
Go live it.
NOTES