letters --
do they ever really help, or just screw things up worse?
"...i was just articulating really badly the worry that had been eating at the back of my mind when i was at home thinking (a dangerous pasttime, i know) that i bug you or overwhelm you or suffocate you with my ... intenseness ... because i have such a need for expressing how i feel and because i feel suffocated when i can't. so i guess that's part of why i wish other people could talk about how they're feeling because then i don't feel like i'm the only one with this crazy dependence on emotional expression. plus i really do think it helps anyone, no matter who, to reverse the process of internalization and instead expel complex mental/emotional problems from their own mind to separate it from their physical existence.. to a place where they are no longer a part of it or a slave to it or even a totally indifferent bystander as it sits and tries to fix itself inside their consciousness. . .."
i guess i'm just sick of seeing so many times how people waste so much time and energy and inflict pain and difficulty on themselves just because it's too hard to talk about how they're feeling. what's the big deal? how hard is it? i don't know.. i've just never gotten it. and no one gets me, because i'm just the freakishly intense girl who has an annoying need for communication of feelings, who has friends that aren't just friends but people for whom she cares incredibly deeply, which usually ends up just making things hurt more in the end, whatever it be...
the same thing happens with boys, of course, too; she cares too much and they don't care at all, and she ends up the one dazed and confused but mostly just blind with the pain of realizing that once again, it meant nothing, he saw nothing in her, and he was impossible to begin with. . . . .