"Entée:" ...
that will always bug me until they fix it. which will probably be never.
i'm gonna do my UTmost this time to write whatever i have off the top of my head and not even spend any seconds deciding what i'm going to say. so tonight was practice for dance festival; kinda depressing, kinda fun. depressing because i haven't been in a while, well a week, but the time before that i was there and my partner wasn't, so the fact that i'm incapable of remembering more than 2 steps in sequence is coupled with the lack of practice. the worst was that calinai, who represents everything that is my opposite and basically always what i wish i could transform my own self and life into, has among her enviable qualities several crucial years of ballet training. it shows. she constantly claims she can't dance, because she quit in 5th grade or whatever, but it's crap. she pretty much exudes every possible trait of a ballerina. besides the beauty of it all, what really makes you want to cry is that you know when you watch her that you could never be half what she is.
'course, by "you" i mean "i."
but tonight (although every practice is like this), i was feeling especially inadequate and incapable of dancing, not being able to remember the moves between myself and my partner, and in the midst of my distressed search across the room of anyone who actually does know what they're doing, my eyes inevitably fall upon calinai, every time. she's never even had any training for latin dance at all (or any other dance besides ballet, maybe jazz), but somehow whatever she does shows that her ability surpasses that of anyone else in the room. i don't even like calling it an ability. anyone can have an ability. i have the ability to see every negative aspect of myself and my life etc. etc., and my cat has the ability to sit on my lap and sleep. what calinai has is more like this indescribable proficiency, something magical that flows through her blood and that couldn't be taken from her by a thousand years of amnesia. she just knows how to move.
i kept telling her tonight, "i can't daaaance!" and she would say, "i am being soo stupid tonight - i don't even know what i'm doing." which made it ten times worse! if that's how she dance when she "doesn't know what she's doing," ... you know the rest. so although i frequently mention that she just has to teach me how to let go and adopt some of the life she possesses so vibrantly, i kind of know that countless times of saying it wouldn't make it happen. somehow i have to learn it myself....
i'm gonna do my UTmost this time to write whatever i have off the top of my head and not even spend any seconds deciding what i'm going to say. so tonight was practice for dance festival; kinda depressing, kinda fun. depressing because i haven't been in a while, well a week, but the time before that i was there and my partner wasn't, so the fact that i'm incapable of remembering more than 2 steps in sequence is coupled with the lack of practice. the worst was that calinai, who represents everything that is my opposite and basically always what i wish i could transform my own self and life into, has among her enviable qualities several crucial years of ballet training. it shows. she constantly claims she can't dance, because she quit in 5th grade or whatever, but it's crap. she pretty much exudes every possible trait of a ballerina. besides the beauty of it all, what really makes you want to cry is that you know when you watch her that you could never be half what she is.
'course, by "you" i mean "i."
but tonight (although every practice is like this), i was feeling especially inadequate and incapable of dancing, not being able to remember the moves between myself and my partner, and in the midst of my distressed search across the room of anyone who actually does know what they're doing, my eyes inevitably fall upon calinai, every time. she's never even had any training for latin dance at all (or any other dance besides ballet, maybe jazz), but somehow whatever she does shows that her ability surpasses that of anyone else in the room. i don't even like calling it an ability. anyone can have an ability. i have the ability to see every negative aspect of myself and my life etc. etc., and my cat has the ability to sit on my lap and sleep. what calinai has is more like this indescribable proficiency, something magical that flows through her blood and that couldn't be taken from her by a thousand years of amnesia. she just knows how to move.
i kept telling her tonight, "i can't daaaance!" and she would say, "i am being soo stupid tonight - i don't even know what i'm doing." which made it ten times worse! if that's how she dance when she "doesn't know what she's doing," ... you know the rest. so although i frequently mention that she just has to teach me how to let go and adopt some of the life she possesses so vibrantly, i kind of know that countless times of saying it wouldn't make it happen. somehow i have to learn it myself....