FREEDOMMMM
so this week was marked by some.. remarkable events. particularly, yesterday's breaking down in the middle of chemistry when i just couldn't handle it anymore. then today, this morning, getting out of bed after barely 5 hours of sleep for the ... many times ... in a row: after literally staggering around for a good 60 seconds of inability to maintain any balance, i stepped into the bathroom to take a shower and broke down once again, this time not in tears but in hyperventilation... mixture of cold with no sleep with incredible stress with the death of my soul over the past 7 months.
but yay, today it ended. and tomorrow we're gonna be COMING, THAT'S RIGHT...
COMING TO PETALUMA.
unfortunately it's not permanent.. yet...
i've been thinking a lot about that lately, what with the course scheduling all happening very recently. somehow i still haven't given up on the possibility of coming back, graduating from my school instead of one i just came to one summer, where i don't really know anyone. yesterday's tearful hysterics in chemistry involved a part of that. any time i hear someone call my name, i look up (obviously), maybe a little excited that someone wants to talk to me! but every time i do, i realize it's the other katie, the one everyone knows, and i realize over and over and over again that besides the handful of church kids, i don't know anyone here. and besides them, no one else has any reason to call my name. what kind of a life is that? isn't this supposed to be like the "prime of our lives"? those golden high school years..? right, so i just get exempted from that because of a slight change in residence. and yes, i hear you shouting at the computer screen, it is my choice whether i know anyone or make friends... but it's kinda hard to do that when you have absolutely no time as it is to do anything you want to do.. including aerobic respiration.. plus these people just kind of depress me either because they're so incredibly stupid and shallow or because they're so incredibly smart and superior. not a single day goes by where i don't think of something, someone, a class, a teacher... and those are just the distinct ones. of course my friends are constantly in my mind, and everything about this place makes me miss them even more. every time i think of how GHETTO my school is and how ludicrously POOR the administration in the district is. it's a joke. just the daily schedule in itself. don't get me started. the other day i was looking through my stuff from last year, and i found my bio folder, and my history notebook, and it made me just really truly hurt that i'm still here. i'm still here, and i can't do anything about it. no matter how adamantly i hold on to those memories and that determination to find a way out, it gets me nowhere. so i dunno, i guess we'll have to think about asking my grandparents about the whole staying with them thing. that would be really weird, not because my grandparents are weird, but because it would just be weird to live with anyone who isn't the family i've lived with my whole life.
so shoot, i was supposed to call people today about hanging out tomorrow... so don't be surprised if i SHOW UP on your doorstep! just kidding... maybe... but seriously i'm gonna call tomorrow... soo watch yourselves.